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All-Nighter by Ryan McFarland (ryanmcf10) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A college student pulling an all-nighter gets sucked into a dream world with his notebook, allowing him to change the laws of Physics in an attempt to escape in time for his exam. 15 pages - pdf, format
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 8:11pm
Was hoping for a re-imaging of the wonderfully acted John Terlesky film from the 80's. He's always been, along with Trevor St John, the absolute best of the best when it comes to pure talent and conveyance. People always look at his work and balk at it, but they seldom give them the time of day or him for that matter.
Anyways, back to topic, I'll check out your script and give a few heads up here when I'm done... But if it isn't holding my attention after 10 pages I'm tossing it in the shit can and then proceed to tell you why.
(-) 1. You don't space your scenes. I cannot fuggin' stand this. Do what you want, but just know it pisses me off and it makes things more cluttered than need be. It's almost like you're too worried about it being longer or something... Just space the damn scene, 1 time, and be done with it. Take the step. It's not hard. And that's what's so strange here, your writing is very spacious and wide, Feature Loose almost, and yet you didn't do the one step that should be common place. Go figure.
(-) 2. You seem to be italicizing shit in your dialogue. Is that what I'm seeing here? It looks like shit... Stop it.
(-) 3. LATER ?? -- Yeah, whatever man. Waste of 4 lines total... With those lines you could've spaced some of your script. Think about it.
(-) 4. Over writing all over the place. "He doesn't know what he's doing" "Someone's knocking" Shit like this isn't nessassary. You show the professor is disheveled, not tell us. You list the "Knock". We get it. I'm pretty sure someone is knocking and it isn't a fake hand on wind up gear (al-a PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE) on the otherside of the door.
(-) 5. "Not their previously" should be THERE.
(-) 6. "A policeman turns a corner a block head of Jay"? What the does that even mean?
(-) 7. I didn't even get to page 10. I stopped at 7, so I'll give you 3 points by default. 3 out of 10
Verdict -- I didn't finish it because it was boring and too many tiny mistakes took my attention off the story. And that wasn't hard, by the way. The story just wasn't interesting to me.
Hi, First off, this reminded me of a film called 'Paper House', watch it, it's good.
So It did have it's problems, A few things in the dialogue weren't exactly how you would expect someone to talk but overall if you omit the afore mentioned mistakes, for a first effort I thought it shows promise, a few rewrites may be in order or as Scar Tissue said earlier, re work the idea. Anyway, more script reading and more re-writes for you and I'm sure before long you will be producing the goods Keep at it
In film - nothing is impossible
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