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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Catering For Kidnap Moderators: bert
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  Author    Catering For Kidnap  (currently 1160 views)
Don
Posted: February 16th, 2011, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Catering For Kidnap by Luke Prince (lukeprince09) - Short, Comedy - A trio of career criminals rendezvous in a remote location, but they soon realise they're missing something vital. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Baltis.
Posted: February 16th, 2011, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Luke, same things going on here as in your other script "See Saw"... I mean to a T too.  You need to learn formating and get a better understanding of when you're telling us too much information and when you're not telling us enough.

You also need to get the fuck rid of those stupid ass titles and name coupled with copyright at the top of each page.  Just wasteful.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 16th, 2011, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline made the read too predictable.  So you have the blind leading the blind here.  I almost bailed.   You have the three headed monster going on with this.

Most of the dialogue didn't work for me.   Yes, you mentioned comedy, but everything fell flat 4 me.  I assume the boot of a car is another name for a  trunk In England.  

I'd tighten up your writing a bit.  I don't recognize your name so i'm done.  If you show up, I'll expand.

Good Luck

Ghost    


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  February 16th, 2011, 9:26pm
my errors
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jnave
Posted: February 21st, 2011, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Luke,

I found this entertaining in spots. I liked Paddy. Feels like a scene or skit. An interesting idea that could be part of something bigger, perhaps.  The title is a bit weird.

I few typos, for example:

FRANKIE
He thinks were lying Paddy.

Should be we're.


KEN
I was on snacks!

I think you meant Paddy to say this.


Dialog seems a little forced at times, e.g.:

FRANKIE
Ignore him Paddy. Heís just jealous
heís just the go between. Doesnít
get the thrill of the kidnap. The
thrill of the chase.

KEN
Iím sure you may find chasing
teenage girls through the woods a
rewarding pass-time Frankie, but
Iím fine being a go between.

Also,

FRANKIE
You hear that Paddy? He thinks
weíve put some pillows in a bag and
tried to pass it off as a bird.

Pillows?


Jason


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khamanna
Posted: February 21st, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked it and thought it was funny.

The supermarket - I think you have to explain it's a supermarket in the dialog. Maybe say "We left her at ASDA" "What ASDA, the supermarket?" - something along these lines.

The ending - you could just leave it at "okay sorted" and not explain to us that they found him and what he said stupid.

And maybe cut some of the dialog on the last page - because it's pretty obvious from there.

But I liked it. And laughed - and this is important - you made me laugh. I think you pulled it off very well.
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