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Catering For Kidnap (currently 1160 views)
Posted: February 16th, 2011, 8:18pm
So, what are you writing?
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Catering For Kidnap
by Luke Prince (lukeprince09) - Short, Comedy - A trio of career criminals rendezvous in a remote location, but they soon realise they're missing something vital. 8 pages - pdf, format
Posted: February 16th, 2011, 8:42pm
Luke, same things going on here as in your other script "See Saw"... I mean to a T too. You need to learn formating and get a better understanding of when you're telling us too much information and when you're not telling us enough.
You also need to get the fuck rid of those stupid ass titles and name coupled with copyright at the top of each page. Just wasteful.
Reply: 1 - 4
Posted: February 16th, 2011, 9:01pm
I am a writer first and a critic second.
"On the road to Rome."
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Your logline made the read too predictable. So you have the blind leading the blind here. I almost bailed. You have the three headed monster going on with this.
Most of the dialogue didn't work for me. Yes, you mentioned comedy, but everything fell flat 4 me. I assume the boot of a car is another name for a trunk In England. I'd tighten up your writing a bit. I don't recognize your name so i'm done. If you show up, I'll expand. Good Luck Ghost
Reply: 2 - 4
Posted: February 21st, 2011, 10:24pm
San Antonio, TX
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I found this entertaining in spots. I liked Paddy. Feels like a scene or skit. An interesting idea that could be part of something bigger, perhaps. The title is a bit weird. I few typos, for example: FRANKIE He thinks were lying Paddy. Should be we're. KEN I was on snacks! I think you meant Paddy to say this. Dialog seems a little forced at times, e.g.: FRANKIE Ignore him Paddy. He’s just jealous he’s just the go between. Doesn’t get the thrill of the kidnap. The thrill of the chase. KEN I’m sure you may find chasing teenage girls through the woods a rewarding pass-time Frankie, but I’m fine being a go between. Also, FRANKIE You hear that Paddy? He thinks we’ve put some pillows in a bag and tried to pass it off as a bird. Pillows? Jason
Reply: 3 - 4
Posted: February 21st, 2011, 11:51pm
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I really liked it and thought it was funny.
The supermarket - I think you have to explain it's a supermarket in the dialog. Maybe say "We left her at ASDA" "What ASDA, the supermarket?" - something along these lines. The ending - you could just leave it at "okay sorted" and not explain to us that they found him and what he said stupid. And maybe cut some of the dialog on the last page - because it's pretty obvious from there. But I liked it. And laughed - and this is important - you made me laugh. I think you pulled it off very well.
Reply: 4 - 4
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