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This is way too bloated with unnecessary detail a excess prose. Break your action blocks up into how you want the shot to look. If the action block should be in more than one shot break it up. Trim and Compress.
I don't know what software you are using, but you don't need all them continueds and cut tos, lose 'em.
This was my best part... [PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{¢A˘A}INTOPREAMBLE ... which tells me the guy above didn't read it or he would've for sure mentioned this.
The story is way too straight forward. It's literally a retelling with uninspired book ends.
Long strings of Slug clutter. Wow. Very green... Very green.
Very wordy.
Very inconsistent in how you use Cut to: and Continued. I think you realized this midway through, though. I don't know??
It's almost like you wrote this script in a production mode or something... Everything seems "slightly" off to the left to me. And the numberings are distracting as well.
You have a lot of over selling, which means you're over telling and sharing with us. Things like
He looks around another nearby corner. Hears footsteps but still can’t see her. He looks down into the book. As he does so the illustration in the book becomes alive and we are drawn down into the world of the illustration.
Read clunky and cluttered. You could break this down to something like this
Smith steps to the nearby corner, he hears unknown footsteps approach. The illustrations in the book SPRING to life, and draw him inside.
That is a quick once over example, man/gal... But you should also get away from the He, He, He, He, He in every action brick too. I cannot count how many times I read the word "HE" in your script. "HE" has a name, and it was "Smith".
Your story was very hard to follow through a great many mistakes. It has one, but I kept getting caught up along the way to even care about it in the end. I'm going to go back and read it again right now and be a little more open to it now that I know what I'm in for, though.
There's a lot of clunkiness in here with overwriting and whatnot but buried in there I think there's a good story from what I gathered. I think I got the main ideas; guy goes into a bookstore, girl shows him a book, tells him a story and he REALLY gets into it, maybe even literally. Not a bad concept or interpretation.
Format is the biggest problem as that makes this really hard to read and probably makes it twice as long as it would normally be. Couple things to keep note of:
O.S. means offscreen, so you don't need parentheticals (I'm too tired to look up how to spell this fucking word. It should be spelled exactly as it sounds).
Lose the Cut To's.
Keep your descriptions to 3 lines MAX. There's so much detail going into your descriptions that you simply don't need. Guy walks into a bookstore. Looks around. Girl is in the back. Most of the rest is irrelevant.
The sluglines - keep them simple. No need to get into the complex two-liners we were seeing toward the end.
This was a decent tale but the script had quite a lot of errors. I won't go into the formatting issues as they are all pretty basic and can be easily fixed - just read other scripts and maybe a screenwriting book or two and you'll be fine.
I think with a short script it is difficult to span two time periods. While you did pretty well with the flashbacks I think it would have been better if you concentrated on one time zone. Maybe just bookend a flashback in the book shop - guy walks in - flashback story unfolds - the big reveal about who he's talking to.
You can write but I think you need a little more work on writing for screen.
I was very anxious to start reading the screenplays for the OWC. The first one I opened up was this one.
Have to say that the first two pages of this script felt like a Mike Tyson-in-his-prime uppercut to the jaw. I was down for the count and actually had to go out for a jog before continuing on with the other screenplays.
The main issue for me is the incredible over abundance of descriptions. I understand that you're trying to paint a vivid picture for the reader, but too much is a bad thing. It gets painful to read.
I think you have potential. I would just say you should read lots of screenplays. Most folks, imo, are looking for a quick read that's fun/exciting/scary and gets to the point succinctly.
Haha. Thoroughly enjoyed the back and forth between Keateon and Dreamscale. Sorry, moving right along...
To the writer;
Yeah, this script is in pretty rough shape. Read some other good scripts around here and listen to positive feedback and you'll eventually figure it out. Your biggest prroblem is formatting. The story itself was just "ok" for me.
Ah, I see he reverts to a 12 year old when drunk. Well my apologies to all, peace.
I drink all the time, I've never once acted like a 12 year old...
I'm going to have to agree with the others that this was over written. I definitely think you could space this out more and tighten up your writing. Some typos as well. Fine for an OWC.
I liked the story, it was just tough to get through this script. I thought maybe Violets lightning fingers were a bit over the top at the end, just an Opinion. So, this was okay for me. Good job for a week. This myth is an interesting one.
A lot of work clearly went into this script. Quick comments: first, listening to the veteran writers here, even when they sound harsh, will allow anyone to learn proper formatting, and fairly quickly.
Second, I did give this a full read without worrying about script formatting, and I still had problems with the writing as it progressed. I found myself having to reread things just to understand what was being communicated. This is entirely separate from formatting.
Finally, I think the writer has a strong imagination and is working with a fairly complicated plot, so it was a challenge to present his/her vision, especially as a new writer. The road to vastly improved scripts will be a short one here if the writer chooses to take it.
I have never felt compelled to copy and paste to check for a page word count. Until now. The first page of anyone's screenplay is gonna be dense setting up a setting and characters. Cool. Fine. - 266 for someone else's first page. (It was considered "dense"). - 213 for another. - 205 for another - 290 for another dense choker. - 185 for a light one. - 177 for another light open. - 186 for a light one. - 211 for another - 214 for the last.
This first page for "The Maidens" clocked in at a whopping 357 words. Minus the (CONTINUED).
If you hadn't had (CONTINUED) hogging another two lines you would've crammed in another twenty to twenty-five words.
Hit. The. Return/Enter. Key.
Once the story gets rolling in the bookshop I like this! Dialog is very good.
Cut the CUT TO:s.
By page six I'm skipping entire continents of descriptive action text. Just reading dialog and ends-of-sentences. (Just thought I'd confess.)
Page 8 - reconcile the pricked finger vs. thumb detail.
Page 10 - [PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{�˘A˘A}INTOPREAMBLE]WITCH#3 (cough, cough, don't do that, cough).
Okay, formatting issues aside - THAT was a nice little story. I don't think it would be low-budget material, but the story is very well thought out and constructed. Fantastic, rich detail! I can't express this enough. I loved every old leather bound book of it! You're going to be crucified for too much description, though.
One route would be to "Save As" "The Maiden's - Light", delete all action, read the dialog and try to just use one or two line's of descriptions when needed. I write about ten to twenty percent of what I envision. It killllllls me. But... it keeps my head off a pike.
I haven't breezed through most of the comments yet but I'm sure someone's mentioned the blocks of text by now. Keep it no more than three lines. If there is more (visual) information, break up the paragraph. One thing you can cut back on is the BOOKISH MAN going into the shop twice.
Let's have a look at the opening:
Quoted Text
A well dressed, bookish looking older man goes into a second hand book shop. The shop front reads "Tales Bookshop" and in smaller letters "Proprietor - Bob Taylor. Established 1956"
The man is wearing an overcoat and scarf as it is a blustery day. He walks to the door. We see a cobweb in the top right window of the shop. Just as we hear the shop bell ring the web vibrates as if a fly has landed on it and a big, black spider emerges briefly on to the web before scuttling off out of sight.
INT. BOOKSHOP. HIGH STREET. SHROPSHIRE -- DAY The man comes into the shop.
Visual and audio: First, "we see" and "we hear" is redundant. You don't need them. If a character sees or hears things (or doesn't hear or see them) then "we" also see and hear.
Next, the man enters the store. A pause to see the sign. "we" are still outside, possibly looking in through a window to see the man in the coat (make a note that you had intro'd as a well dressed man, but then say he's wearing a coat I know there's a window or open door because of the spider and you need us to show what goes on inside.
So the man has already entered the store and rings the bell. Then he walks in again.
Quite a number of CUT TOs. I don't mind one or two, but if in a OWC you wanted to get rid of something excessive, here's an item ripe for a chopping block, There is nothing *really* wrong with having them---but they aren't needed. CUT TOs are usually used for padding. When you go to the next scene, we already "cut to" it in a matter of speaking.
Quoted Text
As the camera rises p5
One camera angle too many.And an incorrect usage at that. When "we see and hear" that's what the camera sees. You show me maiden(s) dancing in a circle. Then, after the pull back, you show me sommething that magically appears in the center. An abracadabra moment I suppose...or as some call it, a continuity error.
Quoted Text
A Robin very briefly lands on the tip of the standing stone. It whistles and then wiggles its head and tail feathers in the jerky fashion that Robins do as if expressing disapproval. It then flies off.
A mild breaking of tthe OWC guides (if the bird simply watched in curiousiy that would be fine, but its activity challenges the guideline *and* the passage is expendable.
By the way---
EXT. MAIDEN DANCING AROUND IN A CIRCLE EXT. EADRIC RIDING ALONG WITH HIS BAND OF MEN
[color=blue]These aren't locations[/color Where are the maiden(s)? Where are Eadric and his knights? A forest? A castle? A grassy hill?
"is seen" "are seen" (6) "You see" (7) I see it a few times. Again, you show me, I will see it. You don't need it. It slows the read down.
Quoted Text
[PLEASEINSERT\PRERENDERUNICODE{� ˘A}INTOPREAMBLE]WITCH#3 "Where doomsday may thunder and lighten"
And that shows me that the writer did not proof his/her work even once.
For a rough draft, this isn't bad. Something to work on. Something to have to fix errors without banging one's head into the wall. I wish you well.
But I couldn't get into the story all too much. I keep being pulled out.
This could be a good story, a hauntingly good story, with character development -- I didn't have much interest in any of them. And it bothered me that Smith didn't carefully examine the book, the opening pages, etc. -- if he's a collector he's not likely to just pull open an obviously old book. And a book dropped on the floor of a bookshop should have sent shockwaves through him, I think.
Pages: 1, 
Author
The Maidens - Feb 2011 OWC
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