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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  CAILLIIX - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    CAILLIIX - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 4060 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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CAILLIIIX by <>+<> - Short - Triple Helix and pain resistance are under the scrutiny of a modern sorceress born from the lineage of Cailleach. She vows to rid the world of suffering, but first she needs a suitor, a difficult task when her beauty turns-- as does her world so strange.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I like the name and the concept. I would have liked to see more of Bride's methods for pushing the pain threshold, perhaps with another client, first? Watching it end badly, and then we fear for Reese right off, thinking, "No, Reese. Don't do it. Don't get involved with this woman.

There's the other thing: If you would have shown Reese struggling with the idea of allowing herself to get pregnant first hand, it would have been more compelling I think.

And then too, who might be the father of Reese's child? Did Bride artificially inseminate her with Tri-Helix sperm?

I loved the ending because we don't really know whose point of view the whole thing was from? Was it Oui-Do and Bride/Cailllllex? Was it Ned? Were the whole kit and caboodle out to lunch?

I want pet Tara-Byte and Paddiwack.  

Good for you for finishing the challenge.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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c m hall
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Good writing, very entertaining, of course my DNA will never be the same, but change can be good.

This is a hailstorm of language, words as tiny poems.  Lovely, but painful to my brain.  Samuel Beckett, that's what this reminds me of.  
Regarding its worth, it has plenty -- but if it's ever filmed you have to figure out a way to keep the tone of the information in the descriptions, the sidling up to the viewer with shared secrets.  

SPOILERS
Oh, worms in the corn doll.
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi, <>+<>   ( - SPOILERS - ) Ya daft goblins!

How's Prince doing these days?  

So, REESE, 30, is surrogating a child for BRIDE, 16, who "Different enough to have three
miscarriages and each of the three fathers are death prone too?
"?
And a thirty year old woman is okay with this?
Okay.

Turn off your (CONTINUED)/CONTINUED: feature.

Pg 5 - A long beat. Tah te-te Tah te-Tah te-ta Tah
I don't get it.

This story hops around a bit, THE FOUNTAIN style.

Gotta put parenthesis around your off screens: REESE  (O.S)
And two spaces away, too.

Okay!
THAT was a pretty fruity story!
In its own little weird way I liked it better than most of these entries.
Pretty sure it's fantastical weirdness rather than horror.
Visuals are nice. Story's a butchered nightmare - yet strangely coherent.

I liked it.
Thank you.




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RayW  -  February 28th, 2011, 2:33pm
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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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This could be more straight forward, I think. Also, there too many characters in this. I think it could be simplified with some of the characters gone.

The story is very good but it's a bit lost in all these details and characters.... At first there are two men who talk about Bride and explain to us what she is and how she comes back... -I think it's expositional, plus the characters don't really pay off. Then there are other two men... etc.

I also didn't understand few things in the script, not storywise but small things, that spoiled the read for me. For example all the roman letters throughout, including the title. Does it have to do with the myth? But I didn't study the myth before I started reading and I think I don't have to study all these myths to understand the stories here.
Or this:
IIII and HHHH, two vertical ladders on a white board.
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grademan
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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CAILLIIIX * interesting premise * confused and stopped at page 5 * too many characters * baby in progress sign made me chuckle.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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It's not bad for a OWC, the premise was really good. For the most part, the script is fine. I'm not 100% won over though. You were going good, but then you blink in the last few pages. Before then:


Quoted Text
Oui-Do moves in, as IF there are lots of people around.
For a moment, there are.


This is a contradiction. Either there is a crowd or there isn't. Even for a moment.


format off p7

But then comes the real downside to this otherwise well-done OWC.


Quoted Text
A good spirit?

Inner being questions, telling not showing, the prose takes over. Just for a little bit. If it wasn't for this stuff, this would have been above average. But average is what it settles for.

-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  February 28th, 2011, 1:33pm
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greg
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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I'm glad it seems like some people got this because I had no idea what was going on.  I read this late last night and didn't get it but decided to try again - I was able to follow it a little better today but still was as lost as ever.  There's far too much going on here in too short a time with far too many characters.  

I counted 9 characters in here.  9 for a 10 page story!  

I commend you on obviously having the creative juices flowing and having a lot to tell, but for this challenge it was too much.  

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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dogglebe
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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I have absolutely no clue what this script is about.  The story just seemed to hit a lot of tangents with me nothing synced up anywhere.  About the only thing that sticks out for me was some badly written direction:


Quoted Text
Bride rambles instructions.


Seriously?  Why describe a list of vocal commands as an action?  This should've been written as dialog.  If you didn't want us to know what the instructions are, you cut away from the scene before the cat's out of the bag.


Phil
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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It's hard work reading all these scripts sometimes. Each story has different characters, different writing styles, so when you're reading a bunch in a row, it can be work. This is the second story in the challenge I just don't have the brain capacity to read. The other was the Ding!Flash one.

It is not hard for me to suppose that a script that is complicated and technical, and is a great story that will make a super film, could be hard to read. So this script and the Ding!Flash one may be examples of that, great scripts that were just beyond my capacity.

I would suggest that one of the things making this hard for me was the sudden introduction of so many characters, and with very difficult names often too. I didn't have enough RAM to process.

I also am not sure if I can buy the third helix of DNA resulted from smoking opium. Not if this is going to be serious horror, or serious anything. I like the third helix idea if it can be transmitted genetically, you know, the way genes are.

It may also be the case that the writer is trying something very ambitious here, which I for one applaud and encourage. It will mean you will really have to master the craft to be effective, but I love complex ideas, so I hope you continue. I just hope you can make the story a little easier for people like me to follow.

Finally, though I couldn't follow everything, some of the character voices seemed interesting and distinct, so I think this will shine through in future work.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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This one triple dog dares the reader to try and make sense of it and put it to film.
A rather unique but ultimately unenviable position for this OWC.
Scripts with an identity crisis can fool some into cobbling threads of logic.
However, this plays out like Inception got Sucker Punched by Splice.
I agree with the last line, it's definitely time for meds.
Take two eight balls and call me in the morning with a storyline.
Thank you for playing, I'll collect my consolation prize and be on my way.  

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Pard
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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I found this to be quite hard to follow, and if I'm honest I didn't understand it.  The writing style, though unique and eloquent, seemed more appropriate for a novel or short story rather than a script.  I think if this script could be written in simpler and more straight forward way, it could make for an interesting short film.

Well done though.  I felt your passion through your words and you're clearly a creative mind.
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SteveUK
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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I hate to say it, but this one didn't do anything for me, except leave me a little confused.  I'm not sure if it was the story or the writing, but I found it hard to read.  The logline itself made me a little bewildered, but I suppose that's what made me curious to read this one in the first place.

There seems to be far too much going on, and the language you use is way too flowery for a screenplay.  However, I must commend you on getting a script finished in the one week deadline.  Keep reading, keep writing and good luck!
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BryMo
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Your script is a bit like your logline. Extended and puzzling.

You could benefit from simplifying it a bit. Make it easy for dummies like me. Or not. Your choice really.

I know the idea of the third helix automatically would make the read hard to comprehend so cleaning this up in terms of characters, their motivations and descriptions could only help you.

You seem like a complicated person with complicated ideas. But because the idea is complicated means that the writing itself should be even leaner and crisp instead of flowery, which is what i thought this was.

I do think, however, that you should stick with this story and keep writing.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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keaton01
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Native princess, native from where?

Some things are just puzzling.

"Strange these two 30s males are alone. A handsome
African, OUI-DO ALPHONSE, slurps his coffee. SVEN PALENS
pale and beany, looks horrified." - what is that supposed to mean?

- Lose the continueds.

Man the exposition train.

SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS

Man I had to keep reading in the hope that it would make some sense. I think I get that this lady after some troubling times and miscarriages lost her mind. If I'm wrong then I have no idea what this was about, but it was poetic in its own way.


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