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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Captive - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    Captive - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed  (currently 6599 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Captive by by Brian K. Millard (shootingduck) writing as Albert Gustaf Dahlman - Short - A motorist intervenes in an act of violence on a young girl and gets them both into a life and death situation, at the mercy of a malevolent masked madman.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 13th, 2017, 4:27pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Great atmosphere.

Great imagery...good setting with a real horror texture.

Excellent mix of modern brutal, industrial horror with a strange supernatural undertone.

Fantastic ending.

Cons

Not totally sure there are any major ones....I don't thoroughly get what the Welder is doing during the action...seems he has some sort of a plan, but I don't fully see how that relates to the ending.

Be interesting to hear the author chime in on that.

Impressive effort.
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Albert

Decent enough straight up story with a odd little circular thing going on there at the end.
The (unannounced) flashbacks regarding Jessica were... additional.
Don't really get the match thing.
Walden kinda pussed-out on the cell rather fast.
The whole "Tie you up in the living room while I putz around in the basement so you can escape" thing is a skosh cliche.

But I definitely do like the idea of "The big bad wolf ain't the baddest thing in town" scenario.
Personal fave of mine, actually.

Good writing, though.
Congratulations!



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stevie
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this was pretty good. It only had touches of supernatural to it - but these could be developed as Rick noted.
The first three quarters its just your average kidnap/serial maniac/torture story but done well.

The flashbacks should have been marked as being flashbacks - the first one i thought walden had been dreaming everything up til then.

There is a tiny error in the lockup - Lark knows Walden's name?


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screenrider
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Okie dokie.  This one broke the camel's back.  No more horror OWC's for me.     Twisted plot, writing flowed, lots of white space.   Not much else to say.   I'm done.
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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Checking in to see what Rick liked so much, I concur that this one is pretty tight.

Well-written, and your welder is an effective nemesis.

I am not sure that the flashbacks offer that much to the story, however, and your final turnabout is interesting, though Walden's actions do not make complete sense in this context.

Still I get what you are going for, and I think it is something that could be ironed out in a rewrite.

So, yeah.  Nice one.  I would give this one a recommend to people trying to decide which of these to read next.  Unless you have got tummy trouble like ol' Screenrider up there.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This one worked well with The Welder being one of those evil dudes that, well, needs to have a get-up.  

I thought it worked until here:

Walden’s eyes follow the length of the Welder’s intestines until he sees Lark, hunched over in the corner, EATING.

If Lark had this special ability, she wouldn’t have been in this predicament; thus it voids the premise. Also, she wouldn't have allowed her thumb to be broken.

I was confused by the part with Jennifer. Who was she?

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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c m hall
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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I very much liked the first three quarters of this -- liked the flashbacks, liked the dialogue and the strange mystery of the welder.  The ending seemed forced, to me, kind of a waste of good characters.
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leitskev
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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Excellent writing. My only problem is not understanding some things yet, I look forward to the explanation.

I don't get the flashback. Is it simply the case that Walden's wife...actually, scratch that. I have no clue. Will wait for the writer or smarter people to explain.

I also am not sure about why Walden becomes the new Welder. Actually I am missing a lot more than that now that I think about it. What is this creature? What was Welder doing? Was the girl a creature all along, or became one in the cellar? If she was the creature all along, she went through all of this why? And who was the Welder? Did I ask that already? I am completely lost now. I need cookies. Or better yet beer. This, though fantastically written, has left me exhausted.

Just one more thing: hasn't the welder thing been done before? I guess that doesn't matter.

Definitely an expertly written story on all levels. I just need someone to explain it to me.
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mcornetto
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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I liked it.  It was definitely exciting and visual - as well as circular.  Had no problem understanding it - even got what the welder was up to.  So excellently done on the writing account.  

There was one thing I would have moved earlier and that is when he was at the welder's house - he should have made the phone call before he went to look.  Just going over there for a peek seemed less intelligent than he ought to be.

Production wise the only issue that will cost much are the head effects.  If they are going to give the impression of muscle and bone then they will need to be built and fitted.   I didn't see any stretches as far as actors would be concerned.  

So well done.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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If there is anything, and I do mean anything that could be wrong its FADE IN on the right. Once, not long ago, I got crucified on SS for that. Bugged the stuff outta everyone so I caved and put it left. You do know that if you flushed left this horror short would be outstanding? Don't worry too much though, it kicks @$$.

One of the best in this OWC.
I have nothing further to say, everyone upstairs pretty much covered it.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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wannabe
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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Expert writing.  Seriously.  The story was very cool and told so well.  I like the bookend open/close also.  

Not sure about the Welder thing though.  That came across menacing but vague.  Then Waldon becomes the welder and I just think that needs a little more clarity.  Why a welder's mask?  Maybe I missed the significance.

The flashes of Walden seeing his daughter were a little confusing.  Especially the first one.  I thought I somehow missed that he went home and had to reread.  I finally got it but it was a little confusing.

Anyway, I more than half way through all the entries and this one is by far my fave.  Very nice work.
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mcornetto
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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I'm confused as to why people might be having trouble understanding the welders mask.  I wish I did, but I did not write this, yet I feel the need to defend the author here.

SPOILERS

The welders mask is a protective mask to cover up the acid-burned face of the "Welder".   At one point Walden (was that his name) falls into the green brew and his face burns leaving bone and fleshy bits.  Very much the same as the original "Welder" implying similar origins.  Also the author implies that the brew the "Welder" creates and possibly Lark's blood are caustic.  The fact that it's a welders mask probably is because whoever did this originally had one nearby and it fit the bill as being both protective and a cover-up.  

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Don  -  March 1st, 2011, 5:05am
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leitskev
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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The Welder's mask was not one of the things I needed explained, but if you're in the mood, there are several things I didn't get. Just getting up, and I will reread, but my biggest problem was understanding the creature. Why was she tie up, despite her power? What was her relationship to the Welder? I might have a few more.

I also was not sure why Walden became the new Welder. His burns cannot be the only reason. I will look at it again, but would certainly welcome some revelation from someone...many thanks!
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leitskev
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Just gave another careful read. My understanding is the same as it was, and I have the same questions.

spolier>>>

I'll start with what I know. The Welder is trying to kill Lark because she is some sort of foul creature that easts the entrails of people and animals. Apparently it will take a powerful acid concoction and a magical knife to destroy her. Walden confuses Lark as the victim and sets out to rescue her. Lark escapes from Welder, kills him; Walden gets burned by the acid and ends up in the position of Welder, trying to destroy the creature.

That much was all plain from the first read.

The questions begin with the flashback, and the writer has them there for a very important reason. It cannot be as simple as Welder's wife(not daughter, there was a waking in bed scene) was also killed by the creature, which encourages his desire to protect and rescue Lark, who ironically turns out to be the creature. It just can't.

This could be a clue: when he calls the police, he says he is on "some road". That made me wonder if this was a dream. Otherwise you would certainly know the road, have some idea. If Walden is local, he would definitely know the road. If he is not local, how did the creature kill his wife?

So the issue of the flashbacks is question number one for me.

Then I want to know how this creature is generally weak and frail, human; but occasionally mighty, such as when it kills wild dear and imposing Welder.

Finally, I would love to know what this creature is, something about it.

Ok, thanks. These are NOT criticisms of the work, but weaknesses in my own comprehension. If someone can shed led, I am grateful!
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