Invented by Brennan Scott (evildead84) - Short, Psychological Thriller - Dave's imaginary friend tries to convince him to commit suicide. 11 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS




Hey! I genuinely didn't see that twist coming. Great work there.

BUT I think you could possibly consider twisting then re-twisting. Don't reveal he's supposedly imaginary until Abby enters. Then she pretends not be able to see him. Now, the audience will be suspecting THAT'S the twist, which they'll already have guessed, which means when you hit them with the right hook at the end they'll be expecting it even less because they'll think you've already shot your load. It would mean changing your logline, which at the moment you're using to good effect to mask your true intentions...but I dunno. Just consider it.

Other thoughts:

- your character intros. Instead of "a MAN, description, this is DAVE", just put "DAVE, [age], stands in the middle and of the room" and so on. Abby goes from just being 'FEMALE V.O.' to immediately being ABBY. Either have her as ABBY V.O. or do a little bit more once she enters. However, MASON's intro is probably fine as is, because it's more of a reveal.

- I'd chuck a "from phone" parenthetical into the first bit of dialogue, just to absolutely clarify that.

- I'd say there are too many names in dialogue. Real people don't often constantly use names when talking to someone; that's very much a fictional, movie thing, and if done too much it can REALLY jar. There was one scene in the latest Harry Potter film where Harry was constantly going "Hermione...Hermione...Hermione..." Made me want to rip my ears off.

- The bit where Dave puts his gun to the head and pretends to pull the trigger - that seemed a bit odd to me. Abby would probably react more if he suddenly put the gun to his head, even with what is revealed later. Maybe Dave just holds the gun up as if to say 'duh?'

- Though the twist itself is good, I think you could handle the moment of the twist better. I'd have Abby at the sink (cut her line of 'to herself' dialogue, I've learnt the more I write that characters speaking to themselves doesn't work 90% of the time) in the kitchen. She hears footsteps, and then MASON appears in the doorway. There's a pause, they look at each other. We're thinking "how can she see him?" And then the two move to each other and kiss. I think you haven't quite nailed the suspense of that moment yet.

- The dialogue between Mason and Abby is too blunt. Too 'on-the-nose'. "All we had to do is convince him that he was crazy. And it worked! Now we can be together, forever." This is just pure plot being dumped. Read it aloud to yourself. Does it sound like real people talking?

- Dave coming in was good. Although, again, I'd move this all into the kitchen and have Dave appear at the doorway. Again, both of them using his name is a bit much. Dave's "are you still my imaginary friend?" line is great, but Abby landing straight in Mason's arms is a bit cartoonish. The ending is good...maybe he smiles at the end? Despite it all, at least he's not crazy. If you have him insist he's not crazy during the earlier confrontation, that last bittersweet moment could work well.

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I haven't read a short for a while because it always seems like the writer's not around to benefit from the feedback. Hopefully you are - this is a fast read, a decent title, a good twist, and an easy shoot so I wouldn't be surprised if someone bites on this. But consider the thoughts above.

Not going to write much unless the 'writer' is about... except, great story idea.

Think you could make it better however, and... please change the 'POW' to 'BANG' for the gun going off.

SPOILERS:



Hey guys. I'm the writer of this short. I definitely see your points. I do apologize if the dialogue seemed a bit "over the top," but since this is short, I kind of had to give as much exposition as I could in a short amount of time.

I think the main reason I had it so the wife is aware of the friend is because otherwise, it wouldn't necessarily coinside with the plan. Because, there has been events leading up to this moment for a while, so more than likely, he would bring it up to her.

Overall, I'll definitely consider these for revisions! Especially some of the dialogue/format. I really appreciate the feedback!

I liked the story.  The twist is a good one and the ending good as well.  My biggest issue is the dialog being "on-the-nose" in a couple of places.

In particular, the first conversation between Dave and Mason where they talk about Mason being just a voice in Dave's head.  This could be saved for a bit later (agree with JonnyBoy) and done more through subtext than dialog.  

Secondly, the ending discussion between Mason and Abby, mentioned by JonnyBoy.  Not real at all.

Otherwise, nice idea, nicely done.

Congrats.

I liked it. I liked the story line. Some of your formatting didn't work. It makes it hard to follow. I like stories with unusual endings. I also agree with the above suggestions. Good stuff...Peter

I really liked the storyline, but I think it would have been better if you didn't reveal Mason as imaginary until the end, like JonnyBoy said.

I was a bit disappointed with the ending, though. I thought wrapped up too fast, and Abby and Mason's dialogue at the ending needs a little work.

Anyway, it's still a great script. Good job.