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hmm, i dont even know what to say. 1 page? you get right to the point, i think the dialogue is off, i dont know if saying three things with an elipsis like that is acceptable. Is this even a short? i dont know. make this kid a little schemer and give him a ten page story.
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I like stories with bratty kids that get their comeuppance. This feels more like a set up than a completed story. All due respect, this feels like the wrong draft got uploaded. No title. No author. No Fade In or Fade Out. You got a promising start here for a nifty short about a brat.
E.D.
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Not bad for one page. It’s hard to do definitely. I understand space constraints don’t always allow a FADE IN or FADE OUT. I agree with Phil, nicely written just not that compelling of a story. Cute if I had to pick a word.
STUPID SUGGESTION ALERT
Maybe the kid needs to get knocked down at the end kind of like the girl getting hit by the bus in Mean Girls. You cringe, I laugh.
Ellipsis use, mm, I don’t know. Read okay. If a one pager is on your to do list, you can check it off.
Would probably be a funny 1 minute film if the kid was talented enough to pull off the shift. I'd personally get rid of the mum. Have him eat it all sad and then reveal the lie matter of fact, leaving her to stare in shock as he skips off with another story to tell and gift to gain.
I would never even attempt one of these. I admire it. Can neither bash nor praise it. I like your writing, you know that.
To build on Andrews idea, which I like, Maybe have him skip off to another park bench. finding another willful donor of goodness. Then have the women witness as mum busts his ass... Then he gives them all the finger. Bird. With an ice cream face littered with cotton candy. Only to have him trip when he turns, face first into a dog pie.
I've read a lot of them on MP and examined the ratings on those - one page comedies and especially the ones this light never fair well. You have to make us laugh out loud and even then I think...
For what it is it's good, I think. I prefer a different kind of comedy however, something edgy - but that's my problem.
There's a great one pager on MP and you can find it here and even that one didn't even get a Honorable Mention. Here http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=1011 (but you have to log in to read it)
One suggestion though - I think it would be better if Kevin was a girl. I just couldn't see him cry and pretend... probably just me.
Good Luck to you, although I did say too much here perhaps...
Eh. You got the setup, the payoff and it's cute for a second. Everything's more or less cohesive. But I'm sure I'll forget about it in fifteen minutes.
I've written two of these myself so I'm not completely exonerated but I'm starting to think these one-pagers are just kinda pointless. So you can write a story. Great. Write a longer one.
I think you do deserve some points for putting a clever reversal on the "taking candy from a baby" concept, whether consciously or unconsciously, but meh. You could blow this up into a two or three pager like some have suggested but I'm sure it wouldn't have any more impact than it already does.
When I first drafted this I did have Mavis finding out what the kid's problem was and then going to an ice cream vendor...but I couldn't get it all onto one page.
The more I look at it and the more advice I receive, feel I really need to re-visit it and expand.
Thanks again.
Best.
Martin.
My Scripts:
Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.
Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!
The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.
Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.
The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.