SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:52pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Life of Sin Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    A Life of Sin  (currently 1777 views)
Don
Posted: March 30th, 2011, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
A Life of Sin by John Jeanes - Short, Drama - A young lady, trapped in prostitution turns to a Priest for answers. What transpires will mark both their lives. 19 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Jerry
Posted: April 1st, 2011, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Georgia
Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
You have some really good character development here, especially with Anna. I enjoyed the read for the most part. What I did find curious was my reaction to the ending. I found myself offended which is really strange because I'm not even catholic by any means. I guess what I'm saying is the ending seemed to push you own personal religious feelings which can always come across as arrogant and dogmatic. Maybe that's what you had in mind, but it seemed to take away from an otherwise intrigueing story. I became really attached to the characters and their issues, and I actually got teary-eyed at the ending until the whole bit about the priest being disgusted with God. I don't know, it just seemed like personal commentary and seemed to distract from the story. Other than that, I liked the premise, and like I said, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to Anna.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
wonkavite
Posted: April 1st, 2011, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



*Spoilers*

This one's interesting.

Positives IMHO:

You've got a good sense of visuals.
In general, I also like your rich choice of vocabulary.
You've also got a nice, spare method of describing people, things and places.  
I'd chop it up even further, if I were you.  For example:

You wrote: Anna emerges from a room holding her dress over her body as other women come out of the other rooms. They all look to the room at the end of the corridor where banging and
crashing can be heard. Anna looks to the desk.

My take: Anna emerges from a room.  She holds her dress over her body.  Other women pop their heads from their rooms as well.  They all look toward the end of the corridor, where BANGING and CRASHING can be heard.  Anna looks to the desk.

One thing with writing about prostitutes.  It's hard to not fall into the area of cliche.  I felt that Anna's reveal of her family life fell too far in that direction.  Getting raped by her dad.  Not saying that doesn't happen, but it was just too...obvious of a direction for the story.  That particular dialogue ran too long, also.  I'd chop that up into a few different segments, interspersed with some sort of action.  Even if it's just the priest, fidgeting.

The story in general worked...but I'd urge you to inject more personality into both Anna and the priest, too. Give them more of a relationship  I'm not saying, anything romantic.  But more of a give and take between two real people - not just "a prostitute" and "a priest".   And Anna's understanding of religious doctrine seemed *too* rudimentary.  If you grow up in Western culture, you'll know a little more than she seemed to.  Even if you've had no *official* religious education.  And one plot question.  How did Priest #2 know to contact Father Ben when Anna was in the hospital?

But however the rewrite goes -  go for short, brief eloquence with every line.  From what I read, you have it in you to pull that off.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 9
JMJ100
Posted: April 3rd, 2011, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks for the reads guys and the very constructive reviews!

On the plot question Wonka, Anna isn't unconscious in hospital and could have (has) asked for him to be contacted. But somebody else has asked me that after a read, so although it makes sense I will try to make it more evident.

In respect to Anna's rudimentary knowledge of christianity, I was was thinking the simple questions she asked were, for example, not 'does god watch what I do?' as in I have no knowledge of the topic. I was going for a more, 'does god 'really' watch everything I do?' (trying to believe). It's a good point and I'll definitely address it when I come to a redraft.

I was aware in writing this I was walking on the edge of the cliche realm. Guess I slipped slightly. I'll think of some elements of her history that might be more original and interesting. Even if it's just small elements that are unique to this girl that would pull it out of being the standard cliche.

Jerry, I'm glad you enjoyed the read until the last page. If this script has fallen into the arrogant, personal commentary with a forceful moral and religious nature then I'll drag it back out because this was no way my intention. It was designed to be more about the tough, inexplicable nature of our world than an attack on an institution. Your the first person to take it this way, so I will keep trying to get more reviews and if this becomes a consensus then I will defiantly change it in a redraft! Did you feel this way at all Wonka?

Anyway, thanks again for the reads and helpful reviews, I'm very grateful.

I'm new to this site and trying to get as many reviews as I can to help me with this piece, so if anyone else would give it a read I would appreciate it. If there is anything you would like me to read in return I'd be happy to return the favour. Just post the link at the end of your post and I'll get onto it!

John
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
Jerry
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Georgia
Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Maybe I was totally off on my interpretation of the ending. I guess this is why people tend to apply the no politics/religion rule in conversation, and a lot of people apply it to their writing too. It's easy to misinterpret and offend people even if that's not the intent. If most people don't react the way I did, I would say you've got a good script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
cartertaylor
Posted: April 6th, 2011, 5:00am Report to Moderator
New


But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot

Posts
11
Posts Per Day
0.00
In the logline you refer to Anna as a 'young lady' which seems to tell as much about your views as it does about her character.
This is revealing, I think, because in your effort to portray Anna's life you verge close to a Dickensian sentimentality. One example of this is her 'polite smile' to a customer in the brothel.
Your theme is that of the dilemma of evil in a world created by a loving God.
I wonder then if your story might be better told through the anguish of a faithful priest?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
wonkavite
Posted: April 6th, 2011, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi JM -

To follow-up on the discussion re: the ending:  

"Jerry, I'm glad you enjoyed the read until the last page. If this script has fallen into the arrogant, personal commentary with a forceful moral and religious nature then I'll drag it back out because this was no way my intention. It was designed to be more about the tough, inexplicable nature of our world than an attack on an institution. Your the first person to take it this way, so I will keep trying to get more reviews and if this becomes a consensus then I will defiantly change it in a redraft! Did you feel this way at all Wonka?"

Honestly, I *didn't* particularly feel that way about the ending.  

Actually (if done right, and relatively subtle) I think that having religion and politics in a script is a *good* thing...it stimulates thought.  

Now, in the case of this particular script, I did feel that it came mostly out of left field.  There wasn't enough involvement by the priest (or foreshadowings of his having any sort of crisis of faith) to really make it work.  That - I feel - needs to be played with.   After all, priests are taught that bad things happen to good people.   One single incident's not going to throw him off his faith...unless there's already alot more going on there psychologically.

But the general concept of the priest losing his faith because of Anna's death?  Not a problem.  Just make it more subtle, with much more leading up to it on his end.

PS: I agree with Carter that the script's almost Dicksonian in parts.  And Anna does seem really too innocent.  At least for anyone older than sixteen....
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 9
rc1107
Posted: April 22nd, 2011, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1241
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey John,

I'm always more drawn to strong, dramatic premises rather than action or horror, so I was pretty interested in checking this out.

As a whole, I think the piece was good, but I think there's some things you can change in a rewrite or two to make the story more powerful and not as drawn out.

One reason it seems so drawn out is because of your descriptions.  Don't get me wrong, I agree 100% with Janet (wonka) when she said she liked your rich choice of vocabulary, that is never a bad thing for a writer, but she was also right in saying that you can chop things up a little bit better.  You can make your sentences flow a whole lot easier without losing any of the atmosphere of your story.  Janet gave you one example, I'll give you another one that might break it down even more.

"INT. CHURCH - DAY

In a grand, gothic church only whispers can be heard. With
few windows and huge walls it’s dark, lit mostly by candles.

Through the large front door steps ANNA (19). She is a
slight girl and pretty, but kept in a scruffy manor, looking
tired and worn for her age.

She slowly enters pulling her coat tighter around her,
daunted by the grandeur of the church. Moving through she
looks up at the statues, intimidated."

   That's not bad.  Very visual.  You did good.  But writing it like this makes it a little less clunky:

"INT. CHURCH - DAY

Grand, gothic.  Only lit by prayer candles.

Anna, 19, slight and pretty but with tired eyes, steps in
from the foyer and pulls her coat tight, leery of the
large menacing statues and figures in stained glass.

She walks between the rows of pews."


See how you can cut down 75 words of description down to nice lean 44 words without losing a single bit of the beautiful atmosphere you set up?  Doing that will make for much smoother reads and make it a little less daunting for people who aren't impressed with flowery speech, (even though to those of us who do enjoy flowery speech, and I am guilty of that, it's still just as beautiful.)


Another way this is drawn out a little bit too much though is because there's so many scene changes.

If this were a full length feature, you can probably get away with that and a huge time lapse of a couple of months.

But I think this story works much better as a short, though, and you can probably combine all of the scenes into just a few without losing any power to the story.  It just seemed that it was starting to drag out and got really annoying when Anna went to visit the priest every page and a half.

The story was 18 pages and she visited the priest on 7 different occasions, (and she was on her way for an 8th visit before you know what happened.)  That's way too many scene changes in such a short span of time when you can essentially condense their interactions into only three or so.  This story won't lose anything if you cut the time lapse down from a couple months to only a week.


As for the ending, I'm going to agree with Jerry and Janet  in terms that it came from a little bit out of left field.  Janet's right, one incident concerning a hooker isn't going to shake the core of Father Ben's faith or religious doctrine.  He's been raised as a child and spent his whole life teaching others that when things happen not to blame God for them.  So that part seemed a little off.

I would've liked this ending a little bit better if you had showed signs of the priest struggling with personal morals earlier in the story and when the horrible tragedy does happen, he's a stronger man for realizing it was Anna's choices that got her into that mess.

But all in all, I still think you were making a powerful statement with this story and I applaud you for trying to tackle the issues you've brought up.  It must've been difficult but I think you did a wonderful job at trying to see through a woman's eyes.  You've definately got a strong, yet vulnerable and ultimately lost character in Anna and I think you did a great job with her.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 7 - 9
JMJ100
Posted: May 3rd, 2011, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Mark,

Thanks so much for the read and the extensive review, I really appreciate it. You've picked up on some interesting points that I will definitely work on when coming to a re-draft.

Your right, my descriptions are always generally quite flowery. Probably from reading too many novels and not enough screenplays! I think the main reason I naturally do this is because I try hard to instill atmosphere into scenes rather than just a description of the characters and events. I need to work on making my descriptions more economical without losing the atmosphere like you said (and gave me a good example). It is a tendency of mine to over-write descriptions and then spend every re-draft cutting again and again, smaller each time.

You've pulled me up on an interesting point too, that nobody has mentioned to me before - the constant scene changes back and forth the church. I think the reason it's like this is because I starting with the idea of 'a series of conversations between a prostitute and a Priest', I thought that would be a dynamic that would spur some interesting discussion. From there it grew into more of a narrative, but has retained the 'montage' of debate I started with. And I think your right, it's very excessive for what is now, which is quite a linear narrative. This I will definitely work on and think I can fairly easily half the amount of scenes without losing much of anything at all. Really good spot!

On your suggestion of the reigning in of the timespan, I'm not so sure. The general consensus on this thread seems to be that the waning Priest's faith comes out of the blue. I think I agree on that and in a re-draft I will include more clues and forewarning to that throughout. But I think bringing the timespan from months into two weeks would only lessen the emotional bond of the pair, giving the events less impact on the priest, surely making his response even more out of left field. Don't you think? Anyway, I'll definitely keep the timespan in mind when I read it next and see what I think.

I don't know if we are on the same page with one of the themes either, when you said -

"when the horrible tragedy does happen, he's a stronger man for realizing it was Anna's choices that got her into that mess."

To portray any of the tragedy as Anna's fault was the opposite of my intentions. I wanted this script to show the inexplicable nature of injustices in our world. The fact that bad things don't just happen to bad people, that (as in the script) one baby can be born into opportunity and affluence and another be destined for hardship without any reason. Did this not come through at all? Did you really blame Anna for her fate? If so I'll have to do some big changes.

Anyway, thanks for the read Mark, you've really helped me on a lot of points! And everyone else for that matter! Hope you enjoyed the read too!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
DragonWolf
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
I, for one, liked the many scene changes. I would like to see some more background struggle from the priest. Also dragging out the end, as more of a slow resolution that he can no longer be a priest, would be more cinematic. This is more of a non-writer, producers view of it. I'm working on another project, that i happened to also find on this site, at the moment...But i have saved your script and would like to explore options of doing a low budget short for festivals with it at some point.
-Alexander
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006