Unbalanced by Scott Matthis (qwerty90221) - Short, Horror - A young woman awakes in a deserted hospital, but her nightmare is just beginning… 8 pages - pdf, format

There is no need to list draft numbers on the title page.  If you think about it, either low or high numbers give the reader some sort of negative bias before they have even started reading.  It is a no-win, so why bother?  Leave them off.

"Psychiatric Room" is a poor slug.  It is an office or a padded cell or what?  We have no idea.  Describe this setting better and give it a better slug.

While this story followed a mostly familiar pattern, it was just the right length for these sorts of tales, and did not overstay its welcome.  You have some scattered typos, but it read fairly clean and mostly breezy.

I was not sure about the snakes, though.  That might be overkill, selling this piece just a bit too hard, if you know what I mean.

Mostly what we do here is give advice, and only once in a while do I take a firm stand and say you "must" change something, but I am gonna do that for this one.

The last line of dialogue you give the "Figure" simply has to go.  It is so cliché and out of character that it nearly sinks this entire piece single-handedly.  It is that bad, for real.

Otherwise an interesting effort , although it does tread familiar territory.

Thanks, Bert for your view. I appreciate it. I do see what you mean about the draft number. I'll take it off. As for the slug, I wasn't sure what to call the room, so I went with a vague detail. I'll change it during rewrites. Thanks, Bert. Thanks for telling me about the typos. I didn't see them at first.

As for the snakes, that was added to play among common fears. As for the Figure's last line, I'll change that. Re-reading it now, it's definitely out of character.

Thanks again for your review. Will take your advice into account while re-writing it.

Hello there. I can't really add much to what Bert has already said, he's nailed everything I thought when reading this.

I'm glad you are getting rid of that last line of dialogue. It does spoil some nice work up until that point. While this is cliched, the atmosphere still comes through -- and with horror shorts this is the most important thing. I didnt mind the snakes actually, I quite like the more 'random' imagery in my horror.  

I think this is nicely written, a few typos and slug inconsistancy which would take no time to sort out.

This is nicely written. Action is crisp. Descriptions are good.

The story did feel a bit familiar, but it seems most horrors these days do. The snakes were a tad out of place, but we've seen similar things in movies, so it didn't bother me.

A good read.

The script was a solid effort, but it certainly had a familiar feel to it. There were a couple of minor typos, like the people above me have already said.  I did think the part with the snakes was pretty cool though.

Thank you (all of you) for the reviews. I've fixed the typos and gotten rid of the last line. Hopefully, I can get the revised version up soon.

Thanks again. Very much appreciated.