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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Time Pirates Moderators: bert
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  Author    Time Pirates  (currently 1417 views)
Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2011, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Time Pirates by Joe Bricky - Action, Adventure - Two friends are transported back to 1692 when a Mayan artifact saves them from an earthquake off Jamaica.  Once there, the two men are torn between finding a way home and finding treasure.  121 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  May 3rd, 2011, 12:05am
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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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If anyone would like to read Time Pirates and would like to do a trade - script for script read, I'm totally open.,  Just reply here and give me the name of your script.  I will be happy to oblige and give you some good feedback.
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donb036
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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I'll give it a read. Not much experience and just joined but I'll try to give some feedback. I don't even have any scripts so you'll just get it for free
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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 4th, 2011, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Donb.  If you do, I'll give you feedback once you have something up.  Also, if you have pages written, I can give you advice there as well.  A really cool site to get you started is scriptbuddy.com.  It's cheap and is a pretty good formatting software.

The other cool thing I bought that helped was David Trottier's Screenwriters Bible.  It gives you the do's and don't's of screen writing -- plus a lot of basic formatting rules.  And, if you break too many of them, agents and writers won't get past page one without dumping your script.

Let me know if you like it and thanks again for taking a look.

Anyone else, the offer still stands.  
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donb036
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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I am currently on page 107. I like it so far. The dialogue is good, and everything else is at least decent. I think that the plot and story is nothing revolutionary, but its still pretty cute and interesting. At least it's not another POTC movie. I honestly didn't feel a strong connection to any of the characters because there wasn't much development. Midway through the story I remember thinking, "He really needs to have a girl in this script" and then almost magically, one appeared. However, she was rather boring since her primary act was "Here's the amulet and I can whore my way into getting what I want." There also aren't any memorable moments for me, the kind of moments that make a trailer or people talk about afterwards. I would change your name. At first the title confused me, I got the time part, but the pirates made now sense. Finally around page 100, I got it, but that's probably to late to understand a movie title. Plus, whenever I hear "Time Pirates" I immediately think corny, and since this script isn't particularly corny, you should probably get away from that image. I've recently read Syd Frieds Screenplay book, so Imma try to plot your story. Action Point 1: Time Travel Back in Time Action Point 2: Taking the Ship back. Dramatic Need: To get the girl and go home. Overall, I think it's a very solid script, but nothing amazing. I also think it flowed very well, although it wasn't a particularly page turning story. I actually think this script would work well as a children's book, with colorful pictures depicting the action. Also, I think your primary audience for this type of movie is the 8-12 year old boy range, which I think you are also decimating with all the talk about rum.

One more thing, I liked your story. However, I feel like I have heard similar stories before, I do not remember where though. I liked the actor spin though. It was kind of a mix of The Librarian, with the Goonies and Pirates of the Caribbean.

I'd give it a B+. (Note: My rating is neither precise nor exact. Ratings differ and vary depending on my mood and the day)
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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man, thanks for the input.  Very much appreciated.  Let me know if you get it by the end.  Jane is complex but her nuances are not obvious.  On one hand, she does use her charms, but like most girls, she's waiting for her prince charming.  In the end, she really finds her place in the story.

Let me know if you understand Pickford.

And, again, thanks.
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donb036
Posted: April 5th, 2011, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I gotta admit. I love the dancing joke. Nice comedic relief. Also a little confused about the ending. did they make it back to present time? if they did, why was Pickford there?
Also, what happened to the priests from the beginning of the story? Shouldn't they have technically have transported back to Modern Day at the beginning of the story? But then died at the end?
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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 6th, 2011, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Glad you liked the dancing joke.  The ending really is the big question.  Pickford isn't there.  It's a new scene.  The line "The Fox is Gone" tells us Pickford left on the Fox for Nevis.  

I probably should throw a few more one-liners in there since it's an action movie.  I've put a little more British tongue-in-cheek stuff in there instead.  I'll think about that.

The real question is what actually does happen when the amulet goes postal.  We know it sends you back, but does it send you back again or take you back to the future.  Is it random?  The movie ends and we don't know.  Our guys were working on a theory -- not fact.

As far as the priests, the one priest dies because he leaves the protection of the amulet.  The other priest is transported.  Where he lands -- we don't know.  He could show up or someone else from a different time could show up in the next screenplay.

And, now, Black Jack has the amulet.  Let's hope he doesn't blow himself up by accident and end up in the same place as Rob, Kyle and the crew.  That's another thing about time travel scripts -- you have to deal with divergent time lines if you believe in that.  The butterfly effect theory tells us that if everyone of those people didn't do what they would have done, the future is altered.  Since history tells us Jack Rackham goes on to be a famous pirate, he needs to get back there.  That's something to figure out in the next screenplay.

Thanks again for reading it, and keep learning how to write.  I'll give you some feedback when you have some pages written.  I'm currently working on making the direction more prolific.  And, I'll probably throw in one or two more one liners -- they're fun.


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Heretic
Posted: April 7th, 2011, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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I will read anything titled “Time Pirates”.

As I go:

Page 1: “How do you know it will save us?”  I have several problems with this line.  First, I winced before I even read the next line because it sounds like a setup for bad exposition.  Second, while it didn’t turn out to be, that’s mostly because the Priest didn’t really answer his question, which seems odd.  Third, since this guy’s been brought along to help, shouldn’t he know what’s going on?

Page 2:  The first scene feels very quick.  Why not give your two characters a bit of time to chat with each other?  This is the very first scene the audience is going to see…might as well give them a little time to get comfortable, give the director a little time to establish the tone of the film, etc.  It’s not that your scene doesn’t get plenty of information across in its short time, but it seems like a pretty big moment in the lives of, perhaps, an entire culture.  I just think it needs to be allowed to breathe a little.

Page 3:  A bit more than that is said by the crew before a wrap is officially called.  I won’t bother writing it out but if you want the film set stuff to ring true in a script – and you do, because it’s an easy arena for a film producer to decide whether you’ve done your homework or not – I’d recommend doing some research.  For example, the AD doesn’t generally announce the wrap party on a big set; instead that info is passed down through the departments.  If you made the choice intentionally to cut down on that stuff, I think it’s a mistake.  Everyone likes the behind-the-scenes stuff; might as well leave it in.

Page 4:  Couple unfilmables in the character descriptions here.  Pretty significant ones.
The fact that Rob is an aspiring actor that knows he can’t act is a pretty important one.  I hope that this is explored further.

Page 5:  If this is the first instance of establishing the fact that Kyle is a know-it-all, I think it’s a problem.  It sounds like he’s making a joke (and if he is, it’s kinda funny).  I’d go with a more obviously true obscure fact for the introduction of this trait.

Page 6:  The Director and AD sound like exactly the same person.  It seems like they should have some obvious personality traits so it doesn’t seem like they’re interchangeable.  

Page 7:  “He’s not wasting alcohol tonight.”  Unfilmable.  Ironically, you described that just fine in the action immediately preceding.
Why’d they leave the party?  Didn’t Kyle want to stay with the ladies?  Didn’t Rob want to stay and have a drink?  If he’s in such a hurry to get out of there, I’d like to know the reason why.
I don’t know anything about Jamaica, but do they really have Pirate History Museums that are open at 10 pm?

Page 8:  The plot’s already starting to kick off (in the sense that we can start to see where things are going) but I don’t really feel like I know the characters at this point.  All that I know about Rob is that he’s a stuntman, not an actor, and all that I know about Kyle is that he seems to be a cliché zany friend character.  

Page 17:  I just kinda lost interest here.  You write Rob and Kyle well as friends, and their friendship works on paper, but we don’t really know anything about them, and at this point I’m just not prepared to invest a whole bunch of my time in taking this journey with them.  We need to really get inside Rob’s life.  What’s his love life like?  What’s his career aspiration if he knows that he’s not a good actor…is he in it just for the money or is there something else?  We get that Kyle’s “that guy”, but why?  What’s he like?  Is there something that he does want to do?  Why is he a slacker?  Was he good with those lovely ladies, or did he crash and burn?
The script just doesn’t hook you in, and it’s not because of the plot progression, which is fine.  It’s definitely the characters.  You know a lot more about them.  Let’s see it in the first fifteen pages of this script.  They’ve got a great friendship; why?  What’s it built on?
You’re a competent writer and it seems like you have a fun plot here.  I’ll definitely give a new draft a read if and when it materializes.  But I’m definitely not interested enough in these guys to continue now.

Thanks for the quick and tidy read, and hope to read more some day!

Chris


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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 7th, 2011, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Heretic.  I appreciate the feedback.  It's actually detailed which is something I can use.  Yeah...you're right on that line in the opening scene...will find something better.  I shortened the wrap stuff on purpose to move the story along.  On the can't act stuff, I may come off too strong.  I'm really working on the doubting himself angle which he overcomes.  I may need to soften it.  I agree that we need more character development earlier -- but it is an action movie.  Look at Rambo -- we know he has angst over Vietnam -- but we really don't know him till much later -- it still works.  I understand we want to get the audience invested early -- but there's give and take with everything else that's going on.  I will look for ways to bring a little more out.  I think I can do it.

Oh, and Kyle's first hint at being a history genius is definitely a joke... a running joke with the toasts.  You have to read on to appreciate it.

If you have time, read "The Player."  Or at least give it a shot... it's in Action/Teen Comedy.  If there's anything you have here that needs a read, let me know. I'd be happy to give you feedback as well.  And, again, thanks for the technical feedback and opinion.  


Cheers!





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Joe Bricky  -  April 7th, 2011, 1:23pm
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svsg1982
Posted: April 16th, 2011, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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I think this could be a good story.  I'm not too far into it yet (pg. 1 but there is too much exposition in every line of dialogue so far, which to me seems like this may be a first draftish attempt because when I write thats what my first drafts are full of because I want to get out so much info.  You have to let it come a bit more naturally and have patience.  But only further drafts can clean that up.

And when they wake up on the ship after the tidal wave why would they ask how much did they have to drink?  They were in the middle an earthquake and they woke up naked and had a wave crash over them.  Not even hardcore drinkers would forget that after a black out.

But this story has charm and I will keep reading.  I think its a good start.
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svsg1982
Posted: April 16th, 2011, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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40 pages in (which is 40 minutes in film time)  there isn't enough immediate danger or peril in this script to keep an audience interested (in my humble opinion).

Yes they need the amulet to get home but that is the red herring that drives them to the end of the movie and payoff.  With two months until the deadly tidal wave that's not much of a film type ticking clock problem.

Maybe if as soon as the came back to shore they were accused of being murderous pirates forced by the powers that be to go on a deadly mission that coincided with them finding the amulet, gold treasure and adventure it wouldn't seem to plod along so much so far into the film because there would be conflict with two regular guys forced to do extraordinary things.  The fact that they are in a different time isn't enough of a plot device so far.
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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 22nd, 2011, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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If you look at the pacing, there is a lot going on early, but what I really didn't want is for it to be one of those non-stop roller coaster rides.  They survive an earthquake and then a bandit attack shows they aren't chumps.    

I've done some other things with this script that aren't up here yet.  I should put my next draft up.  The story doesn't change that much in future drafts, because then it would be a different script, but some context and language does.

Thanks for the response.  Appreciated.  
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crazycreek
Posted: April 25th, 2011, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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TIME PIRATES has already been done. Look for the eighties fim TIME BANDITS.
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Joe Bricky
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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@ Crazycreek - Before you troll a script, you should read it.  Time Bandits has absolutely nothing in common with this script except for the word "Time."  

Thanks for stopping by.
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