Photo Booth by Ajay Sakarwal - Short, Horror - This is a really short horror story that can knock you mental equilibrium 2 pages - pdf, format

Alas, my mental equilibrium remains intact.  And you need a good proofreader.

At the very core of this story, you have a good and intriguing idea.

However, this specific story does not make the best use of this idea -- as it relies upon both characters looking at only one of the four photos while failing to view or even notice the following 3 on the same strip.

Take this idea, craft a believable story, and don't oversell it with the logline.

Oh boy...OH BOY!!!!

Hey, listen, this is entirely written in the past tense, which is completely incorrect for a screenplay.  The dialogue is really bad, and the "story" is non existent.

I'm sorry, but this ain't gonna cut it.

well... uh...

I'm assuming english isn't your first language, am I correct?  Also, Dreamsicle nailed everything else.  This reads like a mother reading her child a bed time story more than a screenplay.  Also the story is awful.  No one will ever read a comedy with implied infant violence.

Ajay, you should never try to sell your script in your logline unless you're sure you can deliver.  Your 'knock you mental equilibrium' comment only adds insult to injury.

The story idea is interesting, but you didn't deliver on it.  You gave us a startling image but you ended with it.  A follow through would've been better.

And don't use a whole page for FADE OUT.  Shorten your script by a page by shortening one line.


Phil

You can add emotional impact by focusing more on the mother, maybe beginning with her before she goes into the booth - also, personally, I think that you should drop the ice pick...

I agree, this reads more like a short story than a SP, but at the same time, I think it was kind of a creepy, twisted idea.  Could be something there, but as currently written, it leaves a little to be desired.

Craig

Okay - definitely short!  Actually, it might be interesting to expand it a bit.  Maybe not have the last photo be as final.  And have your characters go in search of the baby to save it.

From what I saw of the script, I'm guessing that English isn't your first language?  Good attempt though, please keep at it!

A few tips that I'd suggest for future scripts: try to go with the present tense with all descriptions.  Definitely nothing past tense.  

But keep writing - glad to see you on the board!

Grammar and spelling issues aside (since it's already been commented on), this one didn't work for me. The ending wasn't a shocker for me. In fact, i just went "meh." To be blunt, it seemed hokey, cheap, and paper thin. I assume some people will feel bad for the baby because its a baby (just like having a character whose family died in 9/11 instantly evokes sympathy from an audience...well most audiences anyways), but that doesnt work for me. in fact, it does the opposite.

so do you have story here? in my opinion, no. you need more here. maybe the character catches up to the woman and the baby's completely unharmed. all i'm saying is that we need more here.

best of luck!