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- Logline: The horny wife of an optometrist finds a dead body in an apartment.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
Vote for the one you like best. Only votes for Jon or James scripts will count. The author of the mystery entry will not move on.
Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
mcornetto - April 18th, 2011, 5:25pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 15th, 2011, 5:40pm
Guest User
A
FADE IN:
EXT. VALUED VISION CLINIC - DAY
A rectangular one floor building. Parking for thirty cars. A sign by the road VALUED VISION CLINIC. Two cars in the lot.
INT. VALUED VISION CLINIC - DAY
Receptionist desk in front. Eyewear for sale on the left. Examining rooms on the right.
INT. EXAMINING ROOM ONE
RANDI LOCKER, 45, beautiful curves, sits in the patient's chair. CLINT LOCKER, 48, muscular bulges, stands to the side.
Randi squints at the eye acuity chart.
RANDI Nope. Can't read it.
Randi grabs Clint's waist.
RANDI I'd rather do this.
She unzips his pants.
CLINT Again?
Clint endures.
CLINT You've got a problem.
EXT. VALUED VISION CLINIC
Randi swaggers to a parked sports convertible. She gets in and adjusts her seat belt. She looks side to side, pulls out a pair of thick eyeglasses, sheepishly puts them on.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX
Randi parks her convertible in the slot labels 36D. She puts her glasses in her purse.
INT. APARTMENT 36D
Randi enters. A luxurious, large bed sits in the living room. A MAN, 30s, generous muscles, wears silk boxer shorts and lies on the bed, stomach side down.
She strips off her skirt and top revealing a fit body. She sits on the edge of the bed.
RANDI No names.
She struggles to pull off the man's boxers. Randi lies on top of him and mashes her pussy against his ass. She climaxes as her arms extend in a push up. Her nipples at attention.
A doorbell rings.
MALE VOICE (O.S.) Landlord. Anybody home?
A jingling of keys. The sound of a key in the lock. Two thumps as the door opens and closes.
Randi's eyes scans the room. No place to hide.
Randi slithers off her partner and presents a view of her crotch and breasts.
RANDI You're not the landlord.
PHIL, 30s, six pack abs, appraises her nude body and smiles.
PHIL He owes me a solid so he sent me to collect the rent.
He points at his man bulge. Randi smiles.
She ignores her partner in bed as Phil drops his drawers. Randi likes what she sees. Phil pushes her head down in rhythm with his hips. Phil holds her head down for a long moment.
Phil moves towards the bed and notices the guy in the bed.
PHIL Hey mister move over.
No reaction.
PHIL (singsong) And the big one said to the little one: rollover.
Phil pushes on the man.
PHIL He's dead. Oh man, oh man, did he have a heart attack or something? Shit, shit, shit.
Randi looks confused.
RANDI He was participating well enough before...
She realizes what happened. She stands up.
RANDI I don't know him.
Phil's cell phone rings. He fetches it from his pocket and holds it by his ear.
PHIL It's for you.
RANDI Hello...
DEEP VOICE (V.O.) Admit it. You have a problem.
Randi looks around the room: Her clothes are on the floor, a body in her bed, and a half naked man watching her.
RANDI Who is this?
DEEP VOICE (V.O.) Admit it.
Phil buckles his pants.
RANDI I didn't do anything.
Phil grabs his phone. He ends the call and heads for the door.
A doorbell rings.
CLINT (O.S.) Honey, it's me. You in there?
PHIL Shit. Back door?
RANDI We're on the third floor. (to Clint) Just a minute, baby.
The door opens. Clint walks in. Scans the room.
RANDI You can't lock a door?
Phil shrugs.
CLINT Randi, get your clothes on.
Phil ambles towards the door. Clint glares at him. Phil stops.
RANDI It's not what you think...
CLINT How do you explain this? I knew you were horny but goddamn woman you got to admit you have a problem.
Randi puts her clothes on. Defiant.
RANDI You were on the phone? You knew about this?!
Clint picks up her purse, retrieves her glasses and hands them to her.
Randi takes them but won't put them on. Clint motions her to put them on.
She puts the thick glasses on.
She inhales. A look of disgust on her face.
RANDI'S POV:
Phil pats his beer belly, the man on the bed has an impossibly hairy back, and Clint's face splits in a buck tooth grin.
RANDI I hate it when you make me wear my glasses.
CLINT Okay boys, thanks for your help. I owe you each a free eye exam.
The sidewalk outside a flash office complex, downtown. The night hums with life.
BEATRICE, late 30s, steps out through the building's sliding doors, a phone against her ear. It RINGS as she looks left, right, down the street.
A CLICK as someone picks up --
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (from phone) Hello?
BEATRICE (into phone) Honey, it's me. Listen, I just got outta there - the goddamn meeting ran way over.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (from phone) Hey, no worries. So are you --
Beatrice checks her watch impatiently, looks again.
BEATRICE (into phone) No, that's the thing...I've left a bunch of papers in my office, and they need to be done tonight. I'm gonna have to swing by there and pick them up. I'm not gonna be back 'til really late...can you put the girls to bed? Is that okay?
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (from phone) Sure...
Beatrice spies a passing CAB, waves it down. It indicates, slows.
BEATRICE (into phone) I'm really sorry, hun. My stupid memory, huh?
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (from phone) Yeah. Stupid.
BEATRICE (into phone) Don't bother waiting up. I've got my key - see you later, okay? Love you.
The cab pulls up. Beatrice hangs up the phone. She reaches down, opens the door, climbs inside.
INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS
CAB DRIVER Where to?
BEATRICE 221 Adams Street, please.
She shuts the door. The cab pulls off.
Beatrice looks down at the phone in her hand. She taps a few buttons,
ANGLE ON PHONE SCREEN:
on my way x
BACK TO SCENE
She hits 'send', then slips the phone into her pocket. She sits back, a hint of a guilty smile on her face.
EXT. OFFICE COMPLEX - CONTINUOUS
As the cab disappears into the night, the headlights of a parked car SNAP ON.
It indicates, then pulls out, headed the same way.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
The cab pulls up outside a high-rise apartment block. The door opens, and Beatrice exits.
The cab drives off. Beatrice looks up, glances over her shoulder, then heads towards the entrance.
As she does so, she passes the PARKED CAR from earlier. She doesn't notice it.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
The lights are all off, the place quiet.
KEYS turn in the lock, and Beatrice opens the door, stepping in from the corridor. Light spills in from outside. She looks into the gloom of the hallway, shuts the door behind her. She calls into the darkness --
BEATRICE Jake?
No reply. She slides a hand along the wall, finds the light switch, flicks it on. No signs of anything being wrong...the place just seems empty.
Beatrice frowns.
BEATRICE Jake?
She heads towards a door that leads to the --
BEDROOM
-- and opens it..
A FIGURE lies in the bed, its back to her.
BEATRICE Sweetie?
No response. She smiles.
BEATRICE (CONTD.) Oh, it's like that huh? You don't wanna come over here? Not even if I do this?
She starts to unbutton her shirt, slowly and seductively. She pulls it open, revealing the lacy bra underneath. Still no response.
BEATRICE (CONTD.) What, am I gonna have to come over there and get your attention? Well, if that's what you want...
She sidles up to the bed, climbs on it, crawls over towards the sleeping figure. She reaches out, grips his shoulder, rolls him towards her...
...to find a CORPSE, its eyes gouged out and a bullet-hole at the center of its forehead. The sheets are stained deep red with blood.
Beatrice SCREAMS, recoils.
MALE VOICE (O.S.) Hey, honey.
Beatrice whips her head round --
-- to find FRANCIS standing in the door. He holds a GUN in his hand.
Beatrice can't speak. She gasps for air, apparently about to puke.
FRANCIS What's the matter? Surprised to see me? I'm surprised to see you...I thought you were heading back to campus?
Beatrice still can't find words. She looks back towards the bloody corpse.
FRANCIS Yeah, I'm afraid Jake was surprised to see me, too. He seemed to know who I was, though. I suppose it's an animal thing - when the husband of the woman you've been fucking turns up on your doorstep, you just instinctively know it's a threat.
Francis weighs the gun in his hand. Beatrice looks back at him, wide-eyed.
BEATRICE Is this...did you...?
FRANCIS Kill him? Yes, I killed him. Took his eyes out, though. Man, it felt great to do that - I stare at those things all fucking day long, so it's actually really refreshing to see someone without any for a change. Ain't that right, Jake?
Beatrice can only stare at his handiwork. Francis laughs.
FRANCIS (CONTD.) You know what I kept saying as I took them out? "Is that better, or worse, sir?" "Better, or worse?" If I had a nickel for every time I've said that...classic.
Beatrice turns back to him. She's crying.
BEATRICE But why did you...?
FRANCIS Why? Really? I should be asking you why. He's just a child, Bea! A fucking boy! You're his professor, there are rules! Rules of conduct, of...of decency - and rules of marriage, too! I'm sitting at home with the girls, and you're out here fucking him? A fucking affair?
BEATRICE It wasn't - I didn't --
Francis stabs the gun at her.
FRANCIS Don't. Just don't. You don't get to deny it. You don't get to fuck this boy, to throw everything we have, and then sit there in your fucking bra and deny it. Okay?
BEATRICE I'm sorry...
FRANCIS Was I not smart enough for you? Not intellectual enough? What, so you're a professor and this kid reads books, is that better? Than a job? A career? A family? How is that not worth more than him?
Francis is weeping now. Beatrice reaches out to him.
BEATRICE Frank...
He swings the gun up again, desperation in his eyes.
FRANCIS Don't you 'Frank' me. You're a dirty fucking liar. The best fucking liar I know. I know he's not the first, you've just gotten away with it before. Well, not this time.
His hands tremble as he tightens his grip around the trigger. Beatrice looks at him pleadingly.
BEATRICE Frank...don't...
FRANCIS Lie your way out of this one, bitch.
He swings the gun up, rams it up underneath his chin --
The reason I add a mystery player is because it's hard to guess who is who when there's three as opposed to two. Not knowing who that third player is makes it even harder.
Boy am I glad nothing popped into my head for this one. I only browsed through the logline the other night and didn't really commit it that great to memory, so at work yesterday all I thought about was what kind of story could I write with a horny dentist.
(Could've been a lot of fun with all the gasses and open mouths.)
OK, my vote is for B. It's the better written script. I assume A is a joke entry, but I guess you never know.
IMO, both B and C were rather cliche, and the fact that each had basically the exact same plot/theme/story makes that pretty clear. I was hoping for at least 1 of these to go fro something different, but, hey, that's cool.
I think both B and C were pretty well written, but B was much better technically as well as creatively. There was just alot more going on in B and it wasn't as predictable as C was.
All 3 are good. B and C were pretty similar; I think for C it would have been better to show the professor/student thing than tell it. Would have set it apart. B took a slightly more freaky approach by showing the violence (though the "cheat" and "whore" were pushing it IMO).
But I'm voting for A. I thought it was funny, clever, and I think took the more unique approach to the logline.
I've only read A so far. I thought it was pretty cheesy. Starting with the name Randi... It picked up towards the end though.
I'll read the others soon. Got things to bake, carpet to clean and the beer is flowing.
Liked B better than A. It was a bit over the top, but also more sinister. What were the purple pills? Viagra? Didn't know you could die instantly from those. I would have preferred a massive erection that lasted for days before he finally died.
C was alright just a tad too talky. Telling us the situation instead of showing.
It's pretty close, actually. It's between A and C, for me. Not sure which one yet. B was just a bit silly, I thought. Didn't really like the idea of the eyes being gouged out and it lacked the humour of A to escape criticism for its shady ending. There was a moral to the story wrapped up in it, though.
A was pretty funny and C was well-written but definitely in need of more visual work. To my mind, I am framing the best one in terms of what would work best as a 5 minute filmed short and it's definitely A or C on that count.
Few things: apparently the general consensus is that most Nymphomaniacs are aged in their forties - must have something to do with the Cougar thing.
Also, (no offence to the writer of A) but proof here that it is very difficult to write 'sex scenes'. Liked the reference to the apartment door number 36 C.
Reason C is not in the running for me, is that it took way too long to get to the story.
Okay, my vote's for B just for the fact that this log-line really cries out for something awful to happen in an ocular way i.e. a dangling eyeball - and the gouging scene (even if a tiny bit silly) came closest to that... and the 'whore' and 'cheat' thing was kinda nice visually so...
Oh, and she gave him his just desserts in the end. Wow, is really hard to write in such a short time, gave it a go myself. More log-lines come up like this I would be interested in partaking. Well done to all the participants.
A was the more funnier one, though. I liked how Randi was described as beautiful curves and then she goes to apt. 36D. Even the way she parks her car, ('pulls into slot 36D'). Put a nice image in my head of some boobie lovin'. Pretty sexual story... I'm surprised I didn't vote for it.
B was the best written. And in that, I don't mean to praise it, it still had weaknesses, (i.e.: dialogue), but the descriptions read a little more easier than the other two. And, I think it was a little more grittier. I love gritty.
Very close call here. Given that logline, I'm surprised only one of the scripts veered toward humor. Out of all the loglines so far, this was the one that offered the most potential for comedy, IMO.
A.
I liked how this one started. The horny broad who apparently will hop on anything that appears in her apartment. Even some hairy-backed dude she's never seen before who happens to be lying face down in her bed. Wow, that's horny.
But, I just don't feel like the story capitalized on its setup. It had a couple funny moments, but never went for all out laughs. Seemed like a missed opportunity. I didn't really understand the point that Clint was trying to teach his wife, either. And one major problem here...there was no dead body! I know Phil tried to tell her that the guy was dead, but that doesn't cut it. Script would have been funnier with an actual dead body.
B.
I think B was technically the best written of the bunch. Descriptions were crisp and the pace moved right along. I'm not sure how the guy died at the beginning. Was the viagra poisoned? That was unclear. The woman seemed almost a little too willing to spoon out her own eyes. I wonder if it might have worked better if he knocked her out and then she wakes up with no eyes. A few lines were square on the nose:
ELLEN Its one thing to murder your wife's lover and make her carve out her eyes. But, its a grave decision to think she won't get her revenge.
The ending was okay, as the guy gets what's coming to him. But, why oh why did this have to end with the dreaded "see you in Hell" line? Oof. But overall, a pretty solid piece.
C.
I think C did the best job of capturing the betrayed husband's rage at his wife. But I think the story could have been set up better. I had no idea the husband and wife were college professors until the end. So why start this at an office complex instead of a campus? Too many facts were delivered by way of expositional dialogue. The fact that they were teachers, the dead guy was her student, etc. The "no worries" line makes me wonder if this was written by an Aussie.
Also, I just didn't buy the ending. The guy caught his wife cheating, so he blows his own brains out? Is that really revenge? He's a college professor with a good job and two kids, so I simply couldn't buy that ending.
So, this a really tough call. All the scripts had their moments, and I know its not easy to whip these stories up in two days. I wanted to vote for A, but I really wish it went for more laughs. C was decent, up until the end, but I'm gonna have to go with B here for its gruesome imagery.
Vote for A, B or C
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Showdown #7 James vs Jon
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