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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Treading Water Moderators: bert
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  Author    Treading Water  (currently 710 views)
Don
Posted: April 18th, 2011, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Treading Water by Zach Jansen - Short, Drama -  A young couple struggles to cope in separate ways over the sudden death of their infant son until realizing they need each other in order to move on. 18 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: April 18th, 2011, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting read but, for eighteen pages, not much happened.  You could tighten this up quite a bit, or just expand it (and flesh it out) into a feature.  You would need to explain Ed's relationship with Renee a little bit more and what happened with Rick.

There were a few formatting issues (nothing major) that should be pointed out:


Quoted Text
INT. OWENS HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- DAY [SIX WEEKS LATER]


You tell us it's six weeks later, but there's nothing in the script to show this.  Descriptions should be written in ways that can recorded (via sight and sound).



Quoted Text
Ed shops, still in his pharmacist jacket.


It's not necessary to point out something that hasn't changed.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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