SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 5th, 2020, 8:42am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Few Will Find This Difficult Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Few Will Find This Difficult  (currently 5642 views)
Don
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13557
Posts Per Day
1.93
A Few Will Find This Difficult by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - A young man cares for his comatose mother. 11 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Dressel
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
292
Posts Per Day
0.09
**SPOILERS**

Mark,

Wow...that was....um....wow.

Definitely did not see that one coming.

Your writing style is fine; no real need to comment there.  (Although, you did forget to label the flashback as a flashback in the beginning.)

But the story...hmm..it's actually really hard to process.  I liked the initial twists that she's pregnant, but I'm not sure how I feel about the second one.  I'm not sure I really liked the framing device you chose (telling it through flashback), but I'm not sure if you could pull it off the other way.

All in all, you've left me speechless.

-Matt


MY SCRIPTS

Based on a True Story (Comedy)

The Other Man (Thriller)

PRODUCED

Penny For Your Thoughts (Found by Director on Simply Scripts)

MY WEBSITE
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 72
leitskev
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.90
Spoilers


I am speechless Mark. I really don't know what to say. Well written, bold I guess. I don't know man, the topic of sex with your mother is disturbing, and not in a good way. But allowing that, I thought she was in a vegetative state? So it was his imagination when he felt her stir? Not sure I want the answer.

Any connection to his drug addiction?

Ok. You do have courage, I admire that. Will be tough to top this in that department!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 72
grademan
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.22
Yo Mark,

You had to go there, didnít you? It reminded me of an SVU episode where the grandparents paid a guy. This was much more repulsive.

Great job!

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 72
greg
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1721
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hey Mark,

This was good.  Gross, sure, but you played it off enough so it wasn't too in-your-face.  This is actually the second script on this site (that I recall) about mother-son incest.  The other is an OWC piece by Jordan Wiebe called Spoiled (and later retitled Spoiled: Milked Edition).  I don't think you were going for full out repulsiveness with this one, whereas Spoiled does.  Seriously, this one is tame in comparison, but like Spoiled they're both good stories.  

Definitely a creepy, disgusting ending and a horrific situation you created.  The only thing that was ehh for me was it took a little long to get going.  Edward explained a lot of stuff right off the bat that I think you could have integrated into VO's or something.  

But other than that I enjoyed this.  Gross,  yes, but tame.  

Nice work!

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 72
jwent6688
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1706
Posts Per Day
0.41
Mark, it's gonna take me a bit to stomach this one.

I think anyone on the end of the telephone should be (V.O.) . Argued it many times. I'm sticking with it.

You have an eerie insight to all this... Ha ha...

SPOILERS!!!

oofa, I just had to run and take a shower. I think this drags on too long at the end. I think right after we find he's banging his comatose mom, we should find out that he was banging her before. I want more disgust from the reporter. She didn't react to all this the way I was expecting.

Godamm, Maybe you should enlist Bert's advice on this one. Seems like something he would write.

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 72
rc1107
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey guys.  Thank you everybody for taking a look at this one.

I just want to set things straight right off the bat that I absolutely love my mom... but not TOO much.  :-)

Hey Matt,


Quoted from dressel
you did forget to label the flashback as a flashback in the beginning.


You know, I thought about that during one of the revisions and decided that people would be able to figure out what was going on, so I left it out to make the story less obtrusive and let it stand as it is, hoping that no one would get confused.  I've got flashbacks quite a bit in my stories and I try to format them differently everytime to see if one way feels better than any other.  So far, I don't like any way that I've formatted them.


Quoted from dressel
I'm not sure I really liked the framing device you chose (telling it through flashback), but I'm not sure if you could pull it off the other way.


I wrote this story about a year and half ago and I told it chronologically, so I showed all the gruesome stuff he was doing with her, then the only twist was that she was pregnant.  I decided to change it and tell the story this way to help conceal what he was doing with her in the beginning.  For me, doing it that way seemed to add an extra element at the end, or towards the end.


Quoted from dressel and leitskev, respectively
All in all, you've left me speechless.   ....   I am speechless Mark


I once heard that Andy Kaufman loved it when he left his audience speechless, whether the silence was in awe or whether it was awkward.  I feel kind of the same way.  At least silence is a reaction.  Might be good or bad... but it's a reaction.

I didn't write this just to be disgusting.  This character popped into my head and his story was just kind of screaming to be told.  Trust me, I didn't feel comfortable writing it.  I don't ever want my mom to read this one.  :-)

Thanks again, Matt, for reading.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 6 - 72
rc1107
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Kevin.

And thank you for checking this one out, too.  Dang you guys read and respond fast.  I'm a fast typer and it takes me forever.


Quoted from leitskev
I thought she was in a vegetative state? So it was his imagination when he felt her stir? Not sure I want the answer.


No, you don't.  But I'll tell you anyway.  Her internal sexual organs were still functioning, so she was still able to ejaculate if he hit the right spot(s).  (You guys should so be thanking me right now for cutting that scene, because I had originally shown not told that part.  Bet I won't get any complaints for telling and not showing on this one!)

Although, that one scene after he had did his urine drop?  You don't want to know what he was wiping off her cheek and chin.

As for if it's possible for someone in a vegetative state to have orgasms or squirt...  I don't know, but fuck that!  I ain't calling up no hospitals or specialists and getting my name on a list somewhere!


Quoted from leitskev
Any connection to his drug addiction?


No.  Him and his mother have been doing this since way before her accident, even when he was a little kid.  His drug addiction had actually started when is mother was in the accident and he was getting all these drugs to take care of her.

Well thank you very much, for reading this one, Kevin.  Sorry it was a little disturbing.


What's up, Gary?

I usually watch CI more than I do SVU.  Do you happen to know which season the episode you're talking about was?  I wouldn't mind checking that one out.


Quoted from grademan
This was much more repulsive.  Great job!


Lol.  Thank you very much.


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 7 - 72
rc1107
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26

Quoted from greg
This was good.  Gross, sure, but you played it off enough so it wasn't too in-your-face.


Thanks, Greg.  Originally I showed a little more of Eddie's and Jacquelin's love for one another, but ultimately decided to cut it out and let it stand only as a nasty little twist at the end.  I was hoping people would take the story more seriously this way and not think that I was just out to make people sick.  Although, I guess if people take it seriously and they still get sick, that would be an even better reaction, huh?


Quoted from greg
The other is an OWC piece by Jordan Wiebe called Spoiled


You know what, I came across that piece in somebody's signature before, (actually, I think it was the Milked Edition), and I meant to check it out but never got around to it.  I can't remember what Jordan's screenname is right now, but I'll have to check that out.  (Although, I might wait a while just to get the nastiness of this one out of my system.)


Quoted from greg
Definitely a creepy, disgusting ending and a horrific situation you created.  The only thing that was ehh for me was it took a little long to get going.  Edward explained a lot of stuff right off the bat that I think you could have integrated into VO's or something.


I've been doing a lot of Voiceovers in my stories lately and I've kind of been trying to stay away from that because I think I'm resorting to them, or using them as an escape to show internal conflict, way too much.  I still love voiceovers and I still have stuff I'm working on right now that use them, but I'm looking for other ways to show things that are going on in a character's head.  That's one thing I've really been struggling with lately.  Well, that and proper slugs.

Thank you very much, Greg, for reading this one.  I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 8 - 72
GM
Posted: April 26th, 2011, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
2010
Posts Per Day
0.40
Hey Mark,

Spoilers!

Wow. That was a good twist. Never saw that one coming, but thinking back now, I should have seen it. I like the hints (him kissing her on the lips.)  

I think you should have a experienced reporter doing the interview. Will cut a lot of the opening out and head straight into Edward's story.

When I read this, this was priceless:


Quoted Text
As for if it's possible for someone in a vegetative state to have orgasms or squirt...  I don't know, but f*** that!  I ain't calling up no hospitals or specialists and getting my name on a list somewhere!


LMAO! I can't help but laugh...totally understand, man. lol.

Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 72
rc1107
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 12:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey James.

I was trying to rival your cropdusting.


Quoted from jwent
Godamm, Maybe you should enlist Bert's advice on this one. Seems like something he would write.


Lol.  Actually, I told him to skip over this one when it's posted.  On the thread for my last story, he mentioned that my work was maturing.  I imagine he'll be shaking his head at me if he ever does come across this.


Quoted from jwent
I think anyone on the end of the telephone should be (V.O.) . Argued it many times.  I'm sticking with it.


And you'll argue it once more.  :-)  Not tonight, though.  I had about two perfectly worded paragraphs that took me forever to put what I was thinking into words, then my internet timed out and I lost my whole post.  Tomorrow, I'll get my train of thought back and let you know my defense for using (filter).


Quoted from jwent
You have an eerie insight to all this... Ha ha...


Lol.  Which part?  I hope you didn't mean the motherloving.  :-)


Quoted from jwent
oofa, I just had to run and take a shower.


Trust me, I felt dirty writing this one.  It's hard to write despicable characters and have to go inside their feelings and try to understand and sympathize with their points of view.  All right, I admit, usually it's fun to write despicable characters, but not so much for me this time around.


Quoted from jwent
I want more disgust from the reporter.


I wasn't sure just how much disgust from her I should show.  I was hoping to get the feeling across that she was definately repulsed, but, because she was a little bit armed and aware of the case (thanks to her index cards), I wasn't too sure just how far to take it.  Because she's so young, you're probably right, she would be showing a lot more disgust.

Anyway, thank you very much for the read and your thoughts, James.  I'll be seeing you around.


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 10 - 72
rc1107
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 12:58am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Gabe.

Thank you a lot for checking this out.


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
thinking back now, I should have seen it. I like the hints (him kissing her on the lips.)


I was hoping I didn't put too many hints in there and give it away.  You picked out the kisses on the lips.  Then him only wearing a towel while wiping her chin and cheek.  The box of condoms by his mom's bedside.  (Which I guess they didn't do their job in the end anyway.)  But those were only used for him to smuggle urine anyway.

There is actually another big huge hint... well, I won't say a big huge hint, cause it is buried pretty well... but I want to see if anybody figures it out or mentions it, though.  So far, nobody has.


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
I think you should have a experienced reporter doing the interview. Will cut a lot of the opening out and head straight into Edward's story.


You know what, I don't even know why I made her a scab from college anyway.  I guess probably just to add a dynamic to her character and not make her sound like a cliche'd journalist.  You are right, though.  The story would cut to the chase quicker and they wouldn't have to go through as much exposition.

Thank you again Gabe for reading this one.  Glad you liked the twist.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 11 - 72
chelsea
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 6:03am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
156
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Mark

Firstly, kudos for being bold. 'Fortune favors the brave' right?

This is a taboo subject that I wouldn't even contemplate addressing.

I love the understatement of your log line. Good stuff.

Not sure that a greenhorn reporter would get this assignment, even in a strike, but it actually worked for me. I feel that if you'd made Savannah a hard nosed reporter, the initial meeting with Edward would've been more confrontational.

As it is, I like the way Edward takes control of the conversation, giving us a quick glimpse of his compassionate side. (I did say "QUICK!!)

Tesla's disinterest is dealt with very well and then, through experience, she instinctively knows there is more to Edward's story...well done.

If your intention, or at least one of your intentions, was to make the reader feel uncomfortable then..POW! you did it with me...jeez, I feel a bit like a peeping tom/voyeur and it's not a great feeling.

But then again, to illicit those feelings means you did a good job.

On the flip side, as mentioned by others, the flashback was missed and there are a number of unfilmables in your descriptions

The word 'just' appears 'just' too frequently in your action lines and I'm not certain that Edward would use terms such as "Atrophying" and "She's comatose. She's in a vegetative state" in everyday conversation. Just MHO :0)

Also, more of an aside than anything else and I really don't have any knowledge of the law but where would the authorities stand legally and morally when a comatose woman is made pregnant by her drug abusing son?

However, that's opening up another discussion...but back to the start, kudos, overall a good job and stay brave!

Best.

Martin.





My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 72
grademan
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 8:29am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hey Mark

QUOTED  TEXT:

What's up, Gary?

I usually watch CI more than I do SVU.  Do you happen to know which season the episode you're talking about was?  I wouldn't mind checking that one out.


ANSWER:

Don't know. There's 12 years of SVU episodes and I can't be sure which of the Dick Wolf shows it was. Sorry.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 72
rc1107
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 8:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Martin.

Thanks for checking this one out.


Quoted from chelsea
Not sure that a greenhorn reporter would get this assignment, even in a strike, but it actually worked for me.


Glad Savannah ended up working out for you in the long run.  I wanted her to show some emotional reactions at the end to what was going on.  I think a professional journalist would hide their emotions.  I wanted her to be uncomfortable.


Quoted from chelsea
If your intention, or at least one of your intentions, was to make the reader feel uncomfortable then..POW! you did it with me


I think honestly it was one of my intentions, but only because it's such an uncomfortable issue anyway, I didn't want to skirt around it and make it seem like it's no big deal or that this issue is dealt with everyday.


Quoted from chelsea
The word 'just' appears 'just' too frequently in your action lines


I haven't gone back yet to look to see how many times I used it, but I think I know what you're talking about.  Sometimes I get a little too used to using certain phrases or a certain way of telling things.  I'll have to learn to pay attention and correct that more often.  Thank you for pointing it out.


Quoted from chelsea
where would the authorities stand legally and morally when a comatose woman is made pregnant by her drug abusing son?


That's a very good question that I think can open up a whole can of worms for arguments.  Honestly, I hope the law will never have to answer that question, (as far as I know, there's never been anything like this,) but I imagine that an incest charge would have to come into play at some point, also, but would probably get dropped because prosecutors will want to focus on the raping of an unconscious woman.  I think the rape part of the case will stand out more than sleeping within your own family.

Thank you again, Martin, for taking a look at this one.  And thank you for the accolades of bravery.  You made me feel like a lot less of a sleeze.  :-)

-Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 14 - 72
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006