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I just gave this one a read. I'm not sure if you are a member or not, so I'll keep it kind of short. I thought the writing (with one exception) was proficient and I was able to get through this pretty quickly, so kudos for that.
As far as the story, I was kind of so-so about it. By no means did I dislike it, I guess I just felt like Sabrina wasn't developed enough for me to really get totally behind this one.
***SPOILERS***
For instance, we meet Sabrina in the woods where she comes upon this magical ocarina. She begins to play and almost overnight, she is transformed into a musical superstar. It's a little far fetched, but so far I'm still willing to roll with it. I guess I kind of lost a bit of interest when you intro the "Dark Voice". She injures herself and in the next scene she is back int he forrest ready to destroy the ocarina.
Maybe it says more about me than anything else, but I kind of feel like it would take more than a slip and fall for me to give up the mansion, fame, and money that Sabrina has accumulated. By that I mean that I think you need to give us more instances of things going badly for Sabrina in order to make her decision to destroy the ocarina more believable. Just my opinion though.
Also, I don't think you ever fully explained the "Dark Voice". Was this Sabrina's conscience?
Lastly, as I said above, I thought the writing was proficient, but the dialouge could use a little work IMO. It's a little too on the nose.
Anyway, I hope this helps and I hope to hear from you. Best of luck.
Short scripts, by their nature, don't really get into character too much. Detailed characterization require more words, hence more pages. Short scripts get the tale told as quickly as possible.
She is not "transformed". The ocarina isn't what it's advertising itself to be. It is an alien posing as one and in so doing capitalizes on Sabrina's gullibility. Sabrina isn't playing it. The alien is. It is (pardon the pun) using her as an instrument (!) for world domination. Sabrina may have fooled herself into believing she is tapping into some latent musical ability, and I could have put that into a voice over; however, I chose to leave that to the audience's imagination.
She does not "injure herself". She is having fun at a party, and the voice enters her mind when she least suspects it, literally knocking her off of her feet. The voice is now in her head almost constantly so, to rid herself of the affliction, she has to destroy what is causing it.
Yes, one can easily interpret the voice as her conscience, but it could be seen as something else as well. I love creative ambiguity and put it in my writing.
Never put dialogue when images will do: the pure cenima ideal. For example, I could have made the record studio scene dialogue intensive; however, I chose to just show Sabrina signing the contract and shaking the producer's hand. It gets the idea across wonderfully without resorting to words. The series of shots also gets on with Sabrina's rise to fame in a brisk manner.
How does one make on the nose dialogue not on the nose? Thanks!
Short scripts, by their nature, don't really get into character too much. Detailed characterization require more words, hence more pages. Short scripts get the tale told as quickly as possible.
Yeah, I understand that with shorts, space is always an issue, but at the same time, I think that there is still the opportunity to develop the characters a bit. Agreed, it's not going to be to the same extent as a feature, but I think it can be done in some of he ways that you mention below (i.e. a subtle hint and leaving it up to the audience).
She does not "injure herself". She is having fun at a party, and the voice enters her mind when she least suspects it, literally knocking her off of her feet.
Ditto. I went back and read it again and you were clear on that. When I first read it, I thought she had fell and injured herself. Still, the Dark Voice shows up twice and she is back in the forrest ready to destroy the ocarina. Again, I realize you are concerned about space, but I'd like to see you make something more dramatic happen to Sabrina as a result of the Dark Voice than her just falling down, or coming to her in her sleep.
Also, with regard to the Dark Voice, I'm still confused. I could be totally missing it as I am not always the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't think it is the Alien, because the Alien wouldn't tell Sabrina that he is playing her - that would conflict with the reveal in the end IMO.
How does one make on the nose dialogue not on the nose?
I don't know. If you figure it out, let me know. Haha.
I feel like dialouge is the toughest part of any scirpt. Speaking for myself, I find myself drawn to it when I read scripts. If the action sequences are the parts that allow the audience to get carried away, I think the dialouge is the part that tethers the audience to reality. It's a tight rope, but when it works, it works.
The things that jumped out at me, were the first three lines of dialouge. Sabrina is walking alone in the woods and her first two lines, are "Cool", and "Wow". Okay, it's nitpicking, and not really that big of a deal, but for me, it didn't necessarily work. I could roll with one or the other, but not both. It doesn't seem realistic to me that a person alone in the woods would talk to themselves in this way. I kind of felt the same way for the cop.
Anyway, as I said, this read quickly for me, but I'd still like to see you stretch Sabrina's "downfall" out a bit. Hope this helps, and best of luck.
I don't know. If you figure it out, let me know. Haha.
Write dialogue that implies what you are saying or at the very least implies character.
Instead of
I think it's going to rain.
Try this
I knew it. I should have brought an umbrella.
or
If you were planning on having a parade, today would not be the day to do it.
or
I think God has to pee.
The point is word your dialogue more abstractly and allow us to pick up what you want us to pick up from the context. Will everyone get it, probably not, but they won't be calling it on the nose.
Nice to see you around. I just read your response and made a few comments below. I hope it clears up some of my initial comments.
Thanks for taking the time!
Yeah, I understand that with shorts, space is always an issue, but at the same time, I think that there is still the opportunity to develop the characters a bit. Agreed, it's not going to be to the same extent as a feature, but I think it can be done in some of he ways that you mention below (i.e. a subtle hint and leaving it up to the audience).
How much backstory should be included? You can't take it back to the beginning of time! You have to start somewhere. (OK, if you're George Lucas, you can make [read: get away with!) doing three movies cosisting entirely of backstory! *LOL*)
Gotcha.
She's the aliens tool. Crafty dude!
Ditto. I went back and read it again and you were clear on that. When I first read it, I thought she had fell and injured herself. Still, the Dark Voice shows up twice and she is back in the forrest ready to destroy the ocarina. Again, I realize you are concerned about space, but I'd like to see you make something more dramatic happen to Sabrina as a result of the Dark Voice than her just falling down, or coming to her in her sleep.
My scripts and prose tales are very precisely written and must be read carefully. I agree with you that I could add an extra scene, maybe in a concert hall, that has something happening to her that is more dramatic. I can't think of what to do at present, however. *bangs head on wall*
Also, with regard to the Dark Voice, I'm still confused. I could be totally missing it as I am not always the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't think it is the Alien, because the Alien wouldn't tell Sabrina that he is playing her - that would conflict with the reveal in the end IMO.
The alien and the voice are two different entities; however, a case could be made that the alien and the young man who offers her lessons are the same person!
I had no problem with the series of shots, and thought you handled it well and it moved the story along perfectly.
Fine and dandy.
I don't know. If you figure it out, let me know. Haha.
I feel like dialouge is the toughest part of any scirpt. Speaking for myself, I find myself drawn to it when I read scripts. If the action sequences are the parts that allow the audience to get carried away, I think the dialouge is the part that tethers the audience to reality. It's a tight rope, but when it works, it works.
David Mamet comes to mind. His dialogue sparkles.
The things that jumped out at me, were the first three lines of dialouge. Sabrina is walking alone in the woods and her first two lines, are "Cool", and "Wow". Okay, it's nitpicking, and not really that big of a deal, but for me, it didn't necessarily work. I could roll with one or the other, but not both. It doesn't seem realistic to me that a person alone in the woods would talk to themselves in this way. I kind of felt the same way for the cop.
I talk to myself in the woods like this a lot. Would rendering the "Cool" and "Wow" as voiceovers be better?
Anyway, as I said, this read quickly for me, but I'd still like to see you stretch Sabrina's "downfall" out a bit. Hope this helps, and best of luck.
I will mull it over and thanks for the detailed response!
CN : )
PS I want to post three more scripts soon. The titles are: Mirror and Memory, The Doll Nobody Wanted [i]andThe Monster of Absolute Nothingness.
I agree re the on-the-nose dialogue. I heard/read somewhere (sorry, can't remember where) that the way to work around it is to take what you want to say and say the exact opposite, then tweak it to fit the circumstances.
I think for Sabrina, instead of saying 'cool', I'd have preferred something more along the lines of 'random much?' That would at least give us some idea about who she is rather than leaving it so generic that she really could be anyone. IMHO, of course
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Sabrina and Her Ocarina
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