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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Witch - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    Witch - June 2011 OWC  (currently 1596 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2011, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Witch by Joshua McCord - Short, Action - Real magic is not something you learn. It is who you are. 10 pages - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Not bad...but  here's the thing.
Did you read the guides for the OWC?

Action. No animals.

This feels more like a suspense-horror, maybe a small leftover from the previous OWC. Maybe it's just me. In any case, I got bored with the CAPPING, the pages at the bottom of the page...and...it feels like it ends abruptly, like it was part of a bigger script and this is only the tease WITH A LOT OF CAPS.

Dashes in your slugs, BTW. Not. Periods.

I wish I had someting better to say.
But for a one week mash-up, and for what it is...?
It's okay.


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Ryan1
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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This one seemed a lot more like a creepo chiller than an action story.  Had some really good visuals at the beginning there with the witches in the pit.  Also some nice descriptive lines.

Got really talky once the dude in the car showed up.  All that dialogue didn't seem necessary.  Felt like you were missing a page at the end there.  Didn't really have a payoff .  

Not bad.
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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EXT. GRAVEL PIT - DAY

Is how that should read.

Second, when you introduce a character, CAP their name. Simon was not in caps when we are introduced to him. It lets the reader know there is a new character in the scene. Only once though, when you introduce them.

The capping of some of the description was weird, not needed. It throws the reader off and makes them not want to read on. You only want to cap important things that you want to draw attention to. DOOR KNOCKS, PHONE RINGS, etc.

It did seem off from the OWC criteria. Interesting idea that I can see you taking it somewhere. I would expand on it.

Good effort.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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c m hall
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Lots of dramatic atmosphere, could be visually very exciting.

Certainly has the makings of an interesting story with attractive characters  -- for me the whole thing read like the introductory pages for an intriguing feature.

SPOILERS

The smash up with the breakfast bar could be wonderfully dramatic but the phrase "breakfast bar" made it read like comedy, for me.  Also, the witches arrived in what seemed like a clown-car.

Certainly could be an intriguing feature.


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grademan
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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WITCH

Action Quotient: LOW

Interesting premise. Incomplete.

The action at the beginning was offset by exposition later in the car which didn’t move the story forward.

It had my interest but no resolution. Capped passages while stylistic came off as annoying.

I know it’s only a week, but a story is helpful. Naked girls are always nice.

When you finish, please post it.

GARY
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wonkavite
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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You do have a few very good turns of phrase in this one - you definitely know how to write.

The visuals are quite rich in this one; probably too rich - good writing, but it could be streamlined for a faster read, without any sacrifice in quality.

RE: this one being fit for the OWC.  I was shaking my head no through most of it - like other readers have commented, this feels like the previous OWC, retrofitted to this one.  (Except for the single line, come on bitch - let get it on!)

A few things felt clunky to me.  The ending...?  Kinda flat, though it works generally with the story.  Kenny and Simon's discussion in the car does run on too long for my tastes.  Capping the action for the rabbit seemed weird.  And then there was that line on page 3, written long after the girls appear and start doing their thing:  "obviously, this is a coven of witches."  Duh!  Honestly, the line made me smile.  

Thanks for the read, and cheers!

--Wonkavite
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Well...hmmm...

As others have already noted, there are numerous problems going on here everywhere.  

Here's just a few that I caught...

The weird all CAPPED sentences, Slugs that make little to no sense (and give no visual ques to where the Hell we're supposed to be), way overboard corny lines and overly dramatic writing, really poor grammar throughout (lots of missing s's), character intro's not handled correctly, POV shots not handled correctly, action taking place outside of where the Slug says we are, unfilmables, cheesy asides, nonsensical actions, repetitive action and writing, no characterization, no story whatsoever, and worst of all, no ending whatsoever!

The addition of Kenny is downright comical.  First of all, what in the Hell is this guy doing driving around the woods, drinking beer by himself?  The conversation/dialogue between Kenny and Simon is classic stuff and reads like some kind of parody or pisser...it's excruciatingly bad.

Sorry, but I've got absolutely nothing positive to say about this one at all.  It's poorly written, poorly conceived, and poorly executed.  Sorry to be harsh, but my comments are meant to help and point out things you obviously don't see.
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greg
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Disappointing.  This started out good but went sour in a hurry.  

The idea of the witches (and a great number of them too --- that was cool) going deep into the woods and doing their pentagram stuff was a great place to start.  Simon, this lone hunter in the woods (kind of random that he's a teenager.  Maybe make him in his 20s) is doing his thing and stumbles upon this witch ritual.  Then hell, they see him and want to kill him.  That's the direction I would have preferred.  Instead we get him running for what seems like an eternity, sees some kind of wolfman thing (what was the point of that?), then he's picked up by this random Kenny guy (a teenager driving a classic and expensive car while drinking beer in the middle of nowhere.  What?), then they talk about random stuff for a while, then Simon gets into a fight with an invisible force and...falls down.  The End.  Sorry, but that didn't work at all.

Dialogue exchanges didn't work and the descriptions were over written.  It seemed like he was running for a good 4 pages when in actuality he was running for 1.  Too wordy, a lot of repeated phrases, a lot of unnecessary description.

Sorry if I'm being harsh but I felt this one could have been so much more.

Greg


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bert
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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So I popped in and figured I would take a look at the title at the bottom of the slush pile -- and it had a cool title, too -- so gave it a read. Unfortunately, I am afraid I did not like it all that much.

First off, insane use of CAPITALIZATION -- and then you do not capitalize the character names upon their introduction.  Who taught you to do that?  You should smack them.

Nevertheless I was kind of interested in what was going on (good luck with the 11 nude girls on a small budget) -- although it was getting a little repetitive (run, shoot, run, shoot) -- but then this Kenny guy shows up out of nowhere.

And that is just lazy plotting -- to have him driving down the road like that -- even more so when Kenny accepts all of this alleged witchery at face value -- his only concern being "Were they naked?"

And then you submitted an incomplete version without the ending?

Augh...This is exactly why it is so difficult to get people to read anonymous submissions.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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B.C.
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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The technical problems have already been addressed above. Some strange choices, expecially the rifle POV not being correctly presented. Anyhoo -- I looked passed the CAPPED paragraphs and found myself getting into the story, despite the randomness of well, everything.

11 naked hotties is a fantastic way to divert attention from the scripts problems.

However, It still falls apart with the running and shooting scene. That's before the wolf. Which then vanishes? Then it gets very funny when Henry shows up. Strong gusts of wind can't penetrate the thunderbird, but whip him up in the house at the end. Apologies if this is incorrect, cos' I think I tuned out at that point.  

Other than the line "It's on!" I'm not sure what this had to do with the challenge boundaries.  

On the positive, there's some decent witchycraft atmosphere created. I'm just not sure why.
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Heretic
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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As I go:  

Page 2:  Alright!  Magic rituals.  With naked women, no less.  Good start...
"Obviously, this is a coven of witches".  Hee hee!  This line seems to make itself redundant.

Page 3:  I'm realizing right now that I would've liked to be given one more hint about Simon's character and what's he's like.

Page 4:  You're working against yourself here.  By Simon's use of weapons you establish him as a professional, but a professional wouldn't use all the bullets from both of his guns firing into the dark at something that he's obviously not hitting.
A professional also does not yell, "Come on bitch, let's get it on".

Page 5:  Kenny is an interesting development.  I like this script.

Page 6:  The silence is "palpable", not "palatable".

Page 7:  Okay, I don't understand Simon.  Only a badass would have fired his gun in the way you describe, maintaining his composure like that.  But as soon as he's in the car with Kenny he just sounds like some jerk who was out camping.  One of these things is not like the other.

Page 8:  The dialogue scene here is incredibly long and pointless.  All of the exposition is redundant.  If Simon were a strong-silent badass, like I want him to be, this wouldn't play like this...I like to see the "best" of masculinity played against witches.

Nah...no payoff.

Thoughts:

Good setup.  Falls apart.  I don't really know what to say because I just don't really see where this was going.  There are a lot of cool elements and some cool imagery in here, but I don't know what the purpose of any of it is.  We don't know anything about Simon so we don't really know how the fact that this is happening is relevant.  I like the idea, I think it could have been an interesting sort of "lone wolf, strong and silent man faces off against witches/masculinity vs. femininity" kinda thing, but instead it was no kinda thing.

Would read a re-write on this one, for what it's worth.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!
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RayW
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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#4 Witch  -
Real magic is not something you learn. It is who you are. 10 pages.


Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough - NEEDS WORK!
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: Running around in the bushes for a couple pages and bouncing around the kitchen isn't much action for ten pages.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Gravel pit, long back road, Simon's old house,
Props - .22 rifle w/ scope, machette, .357 Colt Python + holster + speed loader, gun belts, firewood, five large candles, cigarette, beer cans/bottles
Costumes - Black robe
Vehicles - Black Dodge van, 1962 Black Ford Thunderbird
Actors - Simon, Woman, 11 "girls" that can be paid to get naked together (so they're not minors!), Kenny
SFX - Cross hairs effect, sound FX, breath condensation (not smoke < wink! >), greenscreen for kitchen levitating/throwing effect, smoky entity wrap
Other - Animal wrangler for rabbit and white wolf (maybe find some stock footage for these and doctor them up in post to color grade and match time of day/night conditions), music from van, big d@mn fan for those wind/door effects (which means you'll also need a portable generator) + maybe some rope to pull on the outside handle, body stunt pads

Budget Guesstimate Pretty much whatever you gotta pay eleven young (attractive) women to get naked together in a gravel pit. I hope it's not windy or chilly out. Maybe $100. Everything else should be found objects and permission to shoot. Might have to pay for rabbit and wolf footage to doctor up in post rather than try to shoot those yourself.
What I like: That we aren't forced to look at the naked woman or naked Simon and Kenny!
What I'd change: Lovely as they are, skip the naked part. Delete more dialog and add more action.
How I envision this looking: Like a bazillion other DIY horror movies.
What I'd like to know from the writer: You do know eleven attractive young women that'll get naked together in a gravel pit at night, right? For reasonable pay or beer, even? Why eleven, BTW? Why not just one for each point of the pentagram?



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 8th, 2011, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Joshua,

You grabbed me with your opener, then threw me away pretty quickly.
Weak slugs, all caps sentences and novelistic writing soured your effective grabber.
This felt like something re-worked for the OWC.
I didn't sense a rivalry or any attempts at budgets constraints.
Wasn't there something about no animals in this OWC too?

Buckets of action followed by truckloads of expository dialogue. Ouch.
If I knew more about the character motivations, this could work for me.
Sadly, format snafus and fundamental logic flaws deterred my overall enjoyment.

Thanks for playing, OWCs don't work without effort like yours!

Regards,
E.D.


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Eoin
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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In terms of format, this one needs some work. When I read the logline I was wondering how this was going to fit in with a strong action script, not that it couldn't. Unfortunately, the action theme was mild and there as a kind of forced add on. This fitted into a diferrent genre. Your characters weren't clearly defined, they didn't have clear motives, purpose and backstory and I didn't really care what happened to them. The dialouge needs alot of tightening. I'm assuming this was done in a panic?
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