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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Swordsmen - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    The Swordsmen - June 2011 OWC  (currently 3469 views)
Don
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Swordsmen by J.J. McQuade - Short, Action - Tuphlos, the teacher, must teach Filius, the student, how to become a great fighter. Their teaching is cut short when an unexpected visitor approaches.  12 pages - pdf, format


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Ryan1
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Original take on the challenge.  Some good visuals, almost reminded me of a Japanese samurai movie.  

The story itself didn't have much to it.  A lot of story gets told through expositional dialogue as far as Nemico destroying the village.  I would liked to have known more about the history between Nemico and Tuphlos.  I mean, Tuphlos doesn't seem surprised in the slightest when Nemico informs him that his wife is dead and village scorched.

For all of Tuphlos supposed wisdom, he was essentially done in by his own stupidity.  You have the man down who just killed your wife.  Please spare us the platitudes and just kill the bastard.

The line that reads "Tuphlos' sword was positioned to block the sword that Filius left in the tree that stands between them" reads very awkward and I don't know what it means.

Tuphlos had the guy defeated, but he foolishly let him up and paid for that mistake with his life.  His poor son Filius apparently inherited his dad's bad judgement, as the same scene is basically repeated.  I'm not saying every revenge tale has to have the young hero avenging his family's killer, but this story had a very unsatisfying ending because of the stupidity of both father and son.

This script was a nice change of pace from the rest of the pack, though.  I just had a difficult time believing the actions of any of these characters.
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greg
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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This was good for a while but the ending was just...what was the point?  Tuphlos had the perfect opportunity to kill Nemico and didn't...then Filius did the exact same thing.  What made this even more tedious is that this could have ended well;  Have Nemico go off on his rants to piss off Filius, but have Filius control his anger and behead Nemico or something.  Then Filius goes off and there you go.  Character development.  Good ending.  The way he died now is just...blah.  The way the story ends now is just...blah.  

And Nemico's dialogue is a little too bad guy cliche.  He's an asshole but we don't need to be reminded of it every time he speaks.  

I did like this though, but the ending needs to be redone.  

Otherwise good job.

Greg



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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Like the visuals and it read well enough. Writing action is hard and this one is more martial arts action, so kudos on describing what you could.

I get that you wanted to go with a more depressing ending, but when the heros have the upper hand...twice....and screw it up both times, it's hard to get over it.

As for that line of dialogue that Ryan had trouble with, the way I read it is that since he was blind he thought that the sword that Filius stuck in the tree was Nemicos, right? He went to block that one and was stabbed by Nemico's real sword? Since he is blind it would suggest he has some heightened abilities.

Interesting that you took it in a different direction than most.


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grademan
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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The Swordsmen

Action:  Good
Low budget:  No. Horse and sword fighting.

Good stuff. Nicely written. Clever how you got the sword stuck in the tree so it was there later. Common weakness I’ve seen in this OWC, action but no motivations given for the bad guy.

I liked the ending. Sometimes the good guys make mistakes.

This would have done well in DVX.com’s recent Samuraifest.

Minor points:
Guns have holsters swords have scabbards or sheaths
Rolls his eyes in disagreement is redundant.
The names sounded Roman to me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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I'm just going to jot down some notes as I read again...

No FADE IN.

First few passages are not written very visually, and it's too bad, cause it should be a beautiful scene and you should've taken the opportunity to "show us" this.

You should intro your characters immediately, as opposed to writing wasted stuff like, "a figure", "a man", whatever.

Sorry, but the action writing is not good.  The dialogue is not good.  You have so many opportunities here for a beautiful, powerful scene, but because of the way it's written, it comes across bland and generic.

Orphans on the loose!

Awkward lines as well, missing punctuation.

OK, as I said...the writing's not good at all, and that's the biggest problem here.  Although a stunningly beautiful scene, we as readers don't see any of it, based on the writing.  The dialogue doesn't ring true at all, either.  There's no motivation (that we know of ) for Nemico to do what he did...and does.

I was expecting alot more scripts like this, and was actually looking forward to a good one.  This isn't it, however.  Sorry, but a good idea, killed by poor execution.

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Dreamscale  -  June 6th, 2011, 3:02pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I was starting to like this, but it was a bit wordy at varied points.
For Example:


Quoted Text
It's stuck there, until someone removes it.


At first I thought it was Nemico (somebody) but after another glance, that's not the case. The first half of that sentence will do; although "stuck" is passive, I totally understand your reluctance to use sticks in a tree.


(Although you COULD find another word, I'm sure...)

Some of this reminded me a little of the recent Mortal Kombat viral webseries but this and that are unrelated, they both take place in the snow, and Quan Chi (impersonating rival Sub Zero) knocked off Scoprion's village and family.

"Fight through the trees"
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are they using Wuxia/Wire Fu?

While I have some issues where actions 'begin' (a word not needed; just get to the action- it's the same as starts or try) when one should just DO. I also noted that the slow falls lightly - yet in many narrative it suggests a near blizzard. How does a light snow cover tracks in seconds? A wounded person?

Some of the disappointment in the story is warranted. It isn't so much as the Nemico wins both contests and/or plays dirty. Don't think that's why folks hate this. They hate it for the same reason I do- both  Tuphlos and Filius show mercy on the foe- and make the same mistake. Nemico isn't the least bit exhausted either when facing Filius. (and one hand chopped off in killing him, if I read that right)

Here's something to think about: let's say Filius shows mercy, walks away. Namico uses this 'error' and with one hand, gets out his dagger and throws it ant Filius. Filius goes Samurai, and knocks the knife away with a swing of his sword. Finds Namico's sword in the snow, and takes it with him and/or destroys the enemy's sword.

This is a case of giving the hungry food and drink, so to speak. There's nothing wrong with ending it on a grim note; but when its clear *your audience* wants or would want satisfaction...screw pride and give it to them.





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reuel51
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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The action felt clunky and overly descriptive in some areas, but surprisingly sparse in others.

I love the visual of a Samurai fight in the snow, but then again, I've seen it before. I think that is part of the problem, not that we've seen something similar (Kill Bill), but that the character we saw do this before was highly motivated and showed absolutely no mercy. The three characters in this aren't motivated. I don't understand why Nemico is on a quest to kill everyone and rape the women.

I agree with what people have mentioned already. I thought there was potential here, but it played too cliche and straightforward to leave any lasting impact on me. Perhaps if these characters were symbolic, in a way? I don't know.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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Heretic
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1:  Haha!  Tuphlos' first line kinda comes off like a jumble of non sequitur Samurai movie mish-mash.  Less is more with these lines, I think.

Page 2:  Filius' first line to Tuphlos suggests to me a fairly significant closeness between them, especially as they are teacher and student.  It seems strange, therefore, that Filius is quite so eager.  Students usually learn quite quickly not to just charge their master.
"Leave your emotions at the door" feels like a very contemporary phrase to me.  Also, they are outside and there is no door.  I'm just going to go ahead and say that Tuphlos' dialogue is cliched and bad.  A rewrite on this one might benefit from a little brush-up with The Book of Five Rings or something similar.

Page 3:  Were there surroundings for Filius to mind?  Or was Tuphlos just distracting him?
Are these guys supposed to be Roman?  I'm a little unclear.  The philosophy seems Eastern.  The clothing is ambiguous.  Tuphlos is...Greek?  Filius is Latin?  

Page 4:  "Scorched" should probably be "burned".

Page 6:  So he did mean he'd make him suffer?  That's pretty...lame.  Master fighters don't indulge allow themselves to be caught up by emotion like that.
Blocking Filius' sword...this is an interesting moment.  The master has not heeded his own advice.  Is that what the story wants to be telling us about Tuphlos, though?

Page 7:  If his eyes are sewn shut, he couldn't possibly have moved to block Filius' sword.  he would react only to the movement of the blade through air.  He wouldn't be able to hear Filius' sword...
There is more contemporary-sounding dialogue, which is awkward.  It would help if it was clear where the heck these people are.

Page 8:  "You weren't here when he died."  Actually, he was.  Should be "...when I stabbed him" or something.
The V.O. is unnecessary.  We get it.  

Thoughts:

The story's pretty good, actually.  Good loses out to pure evil, humans cannot restrain themselves from their basic emotions and these emotions lead to their downfall.  Nemico is a solid, if not particularly unusual, representation of pure evil.

The dialogue needs a lot of work.  It's all over the place.

The main thing that needs to be worked on, though, is the development of anger, both in Filius and more importantly in Tolphus.  We see that anger/hatred is the downfall of both of them, but the way Tolphus acts suggests that he had fully succumbed to those emotions a long time ago.  I mean, he's going to torture this guy for ten years?  Really?

Here's my plot.  Tolphus fights Nemico, gains the upper hand.  Filius returns, charges angrily into the fight, gets Tolphus killed.  Filius realizes his incredible mistake, summons up inner serenity and, you know, the story continues as you have it.

I think it's very good, but you need to push the characters to really serve the theme.

My favourite so far.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!
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leitskev
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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The key word is potential.  A lot of potential, if the writer is young or the script is relatively early work.

The writing demonstrates flaws that we're all here, at various points a long the journey, to get rid of. Stick around, you will work them out in no time.

Depending on how you look at it, either this is a story that has been done to death, or more positively it is a new attempt at the standard hero's quest. The originality might be in that this time the hero fails. Though I'm not sure if we learned anything from that.

I would have liked this twist, if you want to consider it: the master teaches that emotion is a fighter's undoing. But maybe lack of emotion ends up being the master's undoing. And then emotion saves the life of the young hero. From that we would learn that while discipline is important, and while unchecked emotion is dangerous, we still need emotion to power our actions.

In general, a nice effort here, and a sign of good things to come.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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You did a good job on this. Reminded me a bit of Kill Bill and I love those!

My only complaint here would be two things. The action read pretty slow IMO. Don't feel too bad about that though. Action can be really boring to read even in pro scripts. One of my favorite things to watch, but definitely not to read.

The story, although good left me wanting to know more of what had happened and why. Had Nemico not been such a bad guy, I wouldn't know who I was supposed to cheer for. Maybe clear that up some so we know from the beginning. who are hero"s" are.

A couple of nit-picks.


pg.  1   beings - begins

           no need to write Filius is a much younger man. it says he's (25) in his description…

pg.  4   some of your lines are rather clunky, like this one… It's stuck there, until someone removes it.

All in all a pretty decent job for 5 days. I liked it.  


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RayW
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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#12 The Swordsmen -
Tuphlos, the teacher, must teach Filius, the student, how to become a great fighter. Their teaching is cut short when an unexpected visitor approaches. 12 pages.


Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg 2 "Leave your emotions at the door"? What's the date period setting for this?
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown:  Pretty much ten full pages of slicing and dicing. Good. Been there, done that, seen it already, but good in a par sort of way.

Budget Considerations:
Locations -
Pine forest (winter or faux winter!)
Props - Faux snow (Ha! Sorry. Couldn't resist), Katana x2 + scabbard (not holster! LOL) (probably should have four swords, two each), wood fire, fake blood, dead rabbits (fake, of course), amputated hand, small dagger
Costumes - White robe w/ red trim x2, long blindfold, Nemico's attire
Vehicles - None
Actors - Tuphlos, Filius, Nemico
SFX - Snow falling during fight, Tuphos stab to the abdomen could either a practical dummy or  greenscreen, hand amputation, (optional) greenscreen slo-mo dagger through air,
Other - Make up artist for beard, tattoos, cut effect and sewn shut eyes, Martial arts fight choreographer, menthol for tears, something to pump blood into snow

Budget Guesstimate:   About $1k to $2k. This could be done well with proper fight choreography and decent actors. I don't know how much fake snow will cost, but that'll be the biggest hassle.
What I like: Effective use of three characters and minimal props and locations. Certainly a practice sequence for a larger piece, right?
What I'd change: Nothing fundamental. The pg 8/9 "suddenly I get it all, master" bit is a wee cliché. However, although we like to grieve over chichés around here, studios are still putting them out because audiences rely upon those familiar stories or set ups. It's like junk food: we all b!tch about it while we can't get enough of it. So... there. As is, this is fine.
How I envision this looking: Of course Tarantino has been the biggest MA fabricator lately, but this really lacks his campishness.
This is more classical storytelling; closer to THE LAST SAMURAI.
What I'd like to know from the writer: I know you're using the snow to hide swords, but didn't you think it was going to be rather limiting factor to shoot this in the cold of winter in a pine forest after a light snow? Or did you just rely on a fairly significant amount of movie magic?



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wonkavite
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Hmmm.... Really enjoyed this one.  Well written, and it held my attention (and given the non-stop focus on sword-fighting, it *could* have gotten monotonous very quickly.)

Liked the characters - even if they were broadly drawn archetypes.  And especially liked the fact that the good guys didn't win this one.  Nice change of pace.

There's nothing about this story that will *stick* with me (no pun intended), because neither the plot nor the characters were overly unique.  (Bear in mind, that's partially due to my personal tastes, which I'm sure will vary from reader to reader.)  But I WILL remember this as one of the more solid, well crafted submissions for this OWC...

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Dreamscale  -  June 7th, 2011, 8:49pm
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Ok read this one.

Well written, was able to keep my ADD at bay for the most part lol.

Now I was half expecting the standard "student F's up at first during the battle, but finally wises up and defeats the bad guy in the end." That didnt happen here, and that perfectly cool IMO.

I do believe the good guy does eventually always win and the bad guy eventually always loses. But not always in the ways people usually think.

Nice Job!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 10th, 2011, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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J.J.,

I dig the setting very Asian mythic. Kudos.
I was structurally unsatisfied with a few things.
Son repeating his father's mistake. Exact. Same. Mistake.
Nemico's motivation is left to the imagination. Didn't help your cause.
A decapitated head in a sack could've helped things along.

The "INT. WOODS" opening slug was a bit of a red flag.
Very ambitious, I salute you, but a lot of dialog was repetitive.
Refine the action and motivation and you've got something effective.

Thanks for playing, OWCs only work with effort like yours.

Regards,
E.D.


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