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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Outside Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 25th, 2011, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Outside by Darcy Villere (catch424) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Awakening a hundred and fifty years in the future, Captain Cameron Caplan is a man out of time and place. The remaining survivors of the last Great War that decimated the surface of the Earth have taken refuge in terraforming plants that dot the globe. Thousands were interned as 'Insiders'; people committed to amniotic stasis, living out two hundred years in a virtual reality. The descendants of the few hundred people, ‘Outsiders’, who remained by to monitor the machines have ripped Cameron from the virtual reality early because 'Outsiders' are dying. Cameron must stop the killing before it means the death of what’s left of the human race and the wife he left on the Inside. - html, format


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jackx
Posted: July 15th, 2011, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Need to lose the we, there's no we in screenplay.  Just describe what you want the audience to see and the director will figure out the shots.
Also some typos right off, Ie pot marked earth...

That we is killing me, along with the camera directions.
Also not unlike the matrix?  What?!  Definitely don't reference another sic fi movie in your action line.  And besides pretty much admitting to stealing their idea you're getting into unfilmables here.  Just describe what can actual be seen.  Meaning you say virtual construct... How would the audience know that?  And that it's not just a dream, or a flashback or whatever.  Show don't tell.

More typos mussings instead of musings from the kid, superfluous commas.

How does the trap reset if the kid already cut the trip wire?  Maybe it's a different trap?  Also how do we know they are bandits?  This is more telling instead of showing.

I stopped readin around there.  It seems like you have an interesting story, if somewhat convoluted right off the bat.  Need to work on the format and streamline the writing.  You use a lot of words to describe pretty simple things sometimes.  Also get rid of all we see and camera directions.  this should tighte. The writing to the point you story can actually come through.



Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
jackx  -  July 16th, 2011, 9:39pm
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jackx
Posted: July 16th, 2011, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry bout my own typos, did this from an iPad and it won't let me edit.  That last bit should be,  this should TIGHTEN the writing to the point the story can come through.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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