The Verdict by Christopher West (thesecond) - Short, Drama - A man facing a death sentence recounts how he got there. 7 pages - pdf, format

Christopher,

This was an interesting short that I found well written. Not well written for a screenplay, but your prose was sound. Try to break up your action to less then four lines at a time. This is a screenplay, we like white. Also, you can cut down on what you have to say in them. This is a screenplay. Not a short story.

Also, you should have intro'd the man before the jury looks at him in hatred. It seems like they're looking at the judge.

I.e."We tour the faces of the random jury, who are all wearing
some version of gray and white clothing, some faces in
disgust, some in vengeance, some in vial hatred. The
public, also in gray and white, softly murmurs amongst each
other which quickly crescendos into a loud rant. Banging
the gavel again, the Judge calls for order."

Or... "The jury is clad in black and white. They snear at the defendant. The onlookers stir. The judge slams his gavel to silence them."

Avoid the "we-see" in a screenplay. Never well received.

I could go on, but I liked this overall. I think you should read some pro scripts and good scripts from amateurs to hone your craft. You have a good story here. Will it make film? probably not because of the casting size, but, still a good story. Hope to see more from you. Review! Or I won't read another of yours...

James

James, I appreciate your review, and your suggestions are duly noted.  This story was actually adapted from a short story I never completed, hence the feel.  

I've broken up the big blocks of description quite a bit in a rewrite as well.  Thank you again.  

I'm a newbie btw, so feel free to tear it up.  I do hope to achieve something with all of this writing stuff...

Page 2 is way too much going on. Break that mother up, as mentioned earlier.

I always say make a new line when there is a new shot, visually. It makes things read smoother. This reads as a short story at times from a novel. Very wordy. Just write the basic descriptors of what we need to see and move on.

Always write in the present. Meaning lose all the -ing ending words. Filing becomes fills, walking becomes walks.

Either use cut to or don't. Never throw them in near the end and not have them at the beginning. It's easier to have them out of the script unless you want to add a few pages and make it 'seem' longer.

Lose the continued at top and bottom of pages. Easily found in the features menu of whatever software you are using.



I think if you read up on some other scripts, see how they are presented, you'll have a good script on your hands to shop around. You clearly know how to write.

Thank you for taking the time Matthew, I do appreciate it.  The jist of this story came into my head one night while I was watching 'Planet Earth.'  It was a piece about a bunch of Gorillas in the Congo who needed to expand their territory, so all the males in the group essentially went to war with a neighboring group of Gorillas and literally tore them to pieces, mom's and babies too...  Once they had achieved victory, they basically sat around and ate the dead bodies of the other gorillas.  

At that moment I thought, hey, we do the same thing...  We kill other people, take their stuff like it's ours because we have horribly bad consumption habits, and justify it with a bunch of bullshit pageantry.  Bottom line, a whole bunch of humans die every day so we can live the way we do.  We might as well be eating them...  Hence the story.

I will work hard to refine the script to a higher level of professionalism as I would love to see it come to life.  I sincerely appreciate yours and James comments in helping me do that.  Have a good one.

Love Planet Earth and the fact that you drew inspiration from it to write a script.

Chris, you have another powerful story on your hands here.  Lots of great ideas to work with.

You've created your own little world and in a few pages, you actually pulled it off.  This is deep.  This is dark.  And it works for what it is.

Now, on the other hand, it's very poorly written, in terms of being a screenplay, but after you posted these scripts and received feedback, I think you know that now.

The same issues as your other scripts, only this one seems to have even more mistakes and "bigger" mistakes.  The HUGE blocks of text here is a killer.  It makes it very hard to read.

You don't seem to like using actual names for your characters and it's beginning to be a problem, IMO.  Especially here.  You use "MAN" for more than 1 character, and it doesn't matter if you used an adjective in front of it. Without names, it's hard to view the character as "real", hard to relate to, and hard to care for.

You also need to get out of the passive writing phase.  It runs wild here, as do the "we" and "us" stuff.  Get rid of it completely.  Think about it this way...everything in a script, in theory, will be in the filmed version, and everything in the filmed version will be seen by "us".  Thus, every time you say "we see", "we hear", or the like, you're wasting words and space, and being repetitive, and you know you don't want to be repetitive.

Otherwise, see my critique of your other scripts, as everything I brought up there, is also on display here.

BUT, this could be really good.  You've got something about your stories which I like.  They're ballsy and dark...unrelenting, pull no punches kind of stuff.  Just get the basics down and refine your writing...reel it in and stay true to what you want to show and tell us.

This is well conceived and powerful.  Good job!

Thank you.  I'm truly honored by your review of the story itself, and greatly appreciative of the formatting and writing critique, as I need all of the correct direction I can get in that way.  

I've rewritten The Verdict, chopped as much of the unnecessary stuff I could out of it, while still leaving the same look and feel to the action, and I think it works much better now.  

This story really means a lot to me personally, which can probably be a problem on some fronts, but I'll guess we'll see how that works at a later date.  

Thanks again, your help is priceless.

Hey Chris,

Unsure if I've read your work before.
Thought I'd give this one a look see.
Since you mentioned an option deal regarding this script. Kudos on that.

So, here goes. I'll take notes as I go.

p. 1 A wigged judge makes me think of a barrister, actually.
      It's a little confusing, are in a different time period, or place?

      Also the judge refers to "this man", but where is he?
      The accused in on trial for feeling guilty?

p. 2 The judge uses annoyingly vague language to veil the setting.
      It's getting distracting. Why hide the locale so much?

p. 4 The Great Hall. Way too many action shots crammed into a mega paragraph.
       There are several beats/cuts slammed into that block of text.
       Jamming them up like that makes it hard on a director to pick up shots.
       It's a script supervisor's nightmare to insure everything gets covered.
       Do your production crew a solid and be more concise and space things out.

       This is followed by fourteen lines of food service to the citizens.
       Why is that important to the story? Where's the accused man?
       You started out with a decent hook, consider sticking with the guy.

p. 5 When we switch to the accused man's POV, it turns into a blood bath?
      Was it always a blood bath? Is he hallucinating?
      The way it's written, I can't tell what's actually happening.

Finished.
Some powerful imagery, albeit this comes with a mammoth production budget.
I get the sense that this story has deep personal meaning for you.
Whatever it is, I'm not getting it on the page.
I don't have enough on the page to get me invested in the accused man.
Sure, it's shocking to see those kids eating the "food".
But it would be ten times more shocking if I knew them and their father's plight.
I'd like to come to the same insight this story gives you.
But I need you to come up with a way to invite the reader into that line of thinking.
As it's written, I feel kept at a distance from the power and saturated with imagery.

You have a visual mind, and with some discipline you can refine your craft.
Best of luck with the producer here in L.A. I hope it works out for you.

Regards,
E.D.

E.D. thank you for the read, I appreciate it.  The vagueness is there on purpose.  This could be any place, or any time.  I drew inspiration from Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery' as her story is similar in its vagueness.  

The Judge is essentially the narrator of the story, also the dictator of all the information the people in the 'land' receive.  This is a story about the American status quo, and how Americans will go along with anything they are told so long as its wrapped in pageantry with an illusion of sophistication.  

The Man in the story goes against the status quo, and is therefore ostracized because of it.  It also has a hint of Greed to it, meaning, we dominate the world with war for its resources so we can live the way we do, regardless of the suffering endured by the people who's resources we covet.

I have refined the final draft of this, taken out a bit of the stuff you can't actually film, and gotten it to a good working script.  I wouldn't of been able to do that without the help here on SS, nor would i have had the courage to 'shop it around' here in LA without the positive feedback so I want to sincerely thank the board for helping me out.  The budget is big - 5 figures - but the potential of the story was worth it for the Producer.  

Quoted from TheSecond E.D. thank you for the read, I appreciate it.  The vagueness is there on purpose.  This could be any place, or any time.  I drew inspiration from Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery' as her story is similar in its vagueness.   The Judge is essentially the narrator of the story, also the dictator of all the information the people in the 'land' receive.  This is a story about the American status quo, and how Americans will go along with anything they are told so long as its wrapped in pageantry with an illusion of sophistication.   The Man in the story goes against the status quo, and is therefore ostracized because of it.  It also has a hint of Greed to it, meaning, we dominate the world with war for its resources so we can live the way we do, regardless of the suffering endured by the people who's resources we covet. I have refined the final draft of this, taken out a bit of the stuff you can't actually film, and gotten it to a good working script.  I wouldn't of been able to do that without the help here on SS, nor would i have had the courage to 'shop it around' here in LA without the positive feedback so I want to sincerely thank the board for helping me out.  The budget is big - 5 figures - but the potential of the story was worth it for the Producer.

Chris,

I like what you have to say here.
And I hope the production crew gets this sentiment up on the screen.
Best of luck and keep us posted!

Regards,
E.D.

Interesting read which I liked and reflected on for a while, which is a good sign. It had a touch of Orwell about it with the control of the masses by powerful distorting lords. The twisting of a positive, healthy reaction into a crime is engaging.

I think the other reviewers have nailed down the formatting and text issues so no reason to repeat.

My issues were I have no relationship with the man so the emotion felt for him is weaker. Further why is the feast a surprise. It appears to be an accepted event and as a MAN he should know. Is his horror of  his kids enjoying this adequately portrayed?

ED comments at the production costs for a short film appear sound.

Dark and interesting.  Worth a revision.

All the best.

I don't know if I can do this or not - feel free to remove this post if not - BUT, there's a Production team getting ready to shoot this and they are looking to raise $ to make it happen.  

I have tremendous respect for my peers here on SS, so any help you may want to throw to a fellow artist, I would greatly appreciate it.  Donations start at $3, and there are some pretty cool perks included for your donation!  Thanks!!!

Christopher West

http://www.indiegogo.com/TheVerdict

Read the first few lines and couldn't be bothered to read more due to inaccuracies.

What country is this set in?

Assuming it's in the USA, the Judges do not wear wigs.

I have a newer draft that fixes a lot of the mistakes written here.  Sorry about that.  You have to read it to figure out what country...