The Dying Game by  Adam Stephen Kelly - Short, Horror - When three students are forced to abandon their vehicle in the shadow of a vast woodland, they find themselves fighting for survival against a family of sadists who will do anything to be the victor of their sick and twisted game of death. 30 pages - pdf, format

You lost me at page 4...  Sharpen the pencil.  Strong opening though.  I like that part.

Thanks for starting it, anyway. I wrote this back in 2009 under the title IN THE REALM OF THE SADIST as a low-budget horror I could direct and have some fun with with friends, but then a company read it and wanted to option it. It never materialised however and I just went back to it and re-wrote it as THE DYING GAME.

I really like the opening scene.

On down, there are a lot of 'we see', 'we hang', 'before us'. I try not to use a lot of this...but I'm still new to the craft.

When you intro your first three characters by name, I feel like you need better descriptions of them to make it more visual for the reader.

I 'get' on down where, using dialogue, you try to build Reilly's character as a 'nerd'. I think it's a little overdone. We get it. You don't need to say in any dialouge that he's a nerd because you are describing a nerd when the dialogue mentions: his glasses, video games, World of Warcraft etc.

Ok, you start out with this really good scene or at least one that makes me want to read on. Then, you talk three pages about the 'nerd' thing. You could cut two pages just reducing this dialogue to what is 'needed'.

On page 6, when they get the flat...I didn't think the dialogue sounded good. I don't think that anyone would ask about a tetanus shot or getting baceria. The problem is they have a flat tire. When you have something in your tire(I've had enough flats to know this), you NEVER pull the culprit out or it will deflate the tire even more. So, you need to work on the dialogue here too IMO.

Also the dialogue about the cell phone....he says I know you aren't gonna have reception, look....it would be better instead of using such heavy dialogue to use some actions here. Example, She pulls out her cell phone. It reads: Searching for signal....then maybe just one blurb of dailogue 'crap' or something....

Then your character 'man'. If you are gonna use him and he's got dialogue, you probably should give  him a name and proper introduction.

Ok I can't keep reading....the heavy dialogue...I just get bogged down.

I did skip down to the last page and I like the ending ok. I like the way you tie back in the concert ticket. This story has potential, but you can't have a good beginning and end without a decent middle. Each scene in my opinion, each page, must make me or any other reader want to turn the page....see what happens next. I think you are talented but you've got to work on the dialogue.

Best of luck.

Hey Adam, your name sounds familiar but I don't recall seeing you on the boards much.

Decided to give this a try...stopped after 1 page.  Here's why...

I can see where some will say this is well written, but IMO, it's both way overwritten in a flowery prose-type way, and also very cliche, as in I've literally seen this movie before, several times.  Throw in all the crazy heavy handed direction, and you lost me, sorry to say.

Reading Dena's feedback makes me realize I am correct about the cliche aspects, as I bet I could throw out each and every plot point without even knowing the plot of this story.

A final thorn in this script's side is the fact that it's 30 page long.  Now, if this is to be shown along with a couple other 30 minute "shorts", you've got a nice 3 part anthology, or as a 30 minute TV cable flick by itself, you're good again, but anything else, and you've got problems, as few are going to read a 30 page short, and even fewer will have any interest in filming it...on its own.

I don't mean to be harsh, just pointing out some concerns I see immediately.

Best of luck, man.  Take care.