The Rut by Ryan (BlueSparkStudios) - Short, Drama - As a man's life begins to fall apart, he realizes that his daily routine provides him with a sense of security he wants and needs. 8 pages - pdf, format

Ryan,

Generally scripts posted to this forum are spec scripts - scripts particularly for reading.  What you have here seems to be a cross between that and a shooting script.  If you are planning on shooting it yourself then I'm not going to go into the differences, even though I think you should always write your script as spec if you want criticism on the story.  Besides, I'm not certain if you're around.  

Storywise you have a guy that's stuck in a rut that he wishes he could break out of and then when he finally does he wants the rut back.  A be careful what you wish for story - there's no problem with that, however, it's been done a lot so if you're going to do that story then you should do something different with it.

Did you? Not really.  There were a lot of cliches here.  Most particularly waking up to an alarm clock.  Do you realize how many scripts do that?  Lots.  It's probably one of the most common openings.  So I suggest you change at least that.  Maybe changing that will take you in unexpected directions.

The other major thing I would suggest is that you tone down the narrator or remove him completely.  His matter of fact telling of the story makes this a book not a movie.  Show us what the narrator is telling us.  Film is a visual medium.  You don't really need to tell us what we are seeing. Unless, of course, we are visually impaired and your intention for the Narrator was to provide accessibility.  

Keep writing.

Michael  

Yeah I'm around.

I wrote this as a short story for a writing class I was in (that's why it's super cliche).

You can also tell that that's why the narrator is featured so prominently.  

I just have no idea how to translate the narrator's parts into visuals without making the entire thing sound even more cliche...

But thanks for the advice/criticism!  

-Ryan

The absolute first thing you should do is read other scripts.  That's the most given and actually the best advice.  Just start looking at some shorts on the site and you will get an idea of what a script should look like (well some of them won't so check the thread and make sure people actually read and enjoyed the script).  

Then after you have an idea of what a script should look like and how someone composes action in a script.  Take a look at what the narrator is saying and compose it as action rather than dialogue.  It won't be one for one but a lot of stuff the narrator said was visual.  

The parts where the narrator talks about a characters inner feelings - change to dialogue for that character.  You may have to reword it a bit or make them say it in response to someone else but just go with it.   It's going to be different from the story no matter what you do because it's a different medium - so if you have to make a few tweaks to make it a better film then go for it.

Here's a list of recommended scripts
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1141227828
Some of them are features, so you might want to skip those for the moment if you're looking for shorts.

Hey Ryan, I don't have much new to say that MC hasn't already covered.

I mainly just want to echo the cutting of the narrator.  I recommend omitting that part all together and completely rewriting this piece.

There's some meat to this story, and I think if it were SHOWN to us rather than TOLD to us, then the outcome would be far more gratifying.

All the fancy camera angles hindered my reading as well.

Good luck, and keep at it!