Siren by Ben (alsoben) - Short, Dark Comedy - A new student at a private school, Alexis, befriends the manipulative and promiscuous senior Kyleah. When someone from Kyleah's past threatens her social standing, Alexis feels she is being pressured into doing something dire.  18 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for putting this up Don!

I know the logline is a bit weak, considering the subject matter, but I didn't want to make the short seem too dark, like a thriller.

Just an addendum, the purpose of me writing this was I always kind of fascinated, as a male, with the dynamics of girls friendships and how powerful someone can be in a clique. This is, ofcourse, a much more drastic outcome than anything I've heard of but that essentially the theme I had in mind.

Hey Ben,

I read through "Siren" and was pretty impressed. The script flowed nicely, with the voice over being a nice touch. The plot was straight forward, easy to understand. The Greek/Roman mythology was also quite interesting to read. The only negatives, if I had to choose, would be the two mistakes I found - "She's why I came her" and "The reach the first window" - also, the "CONTINUED"'s were also a bit distracting/annoying. These mistakes didn't slow down the read, which is what counts, so well done. One thing I didn't quite understand was why Alexis left the school in the end, but I assume it was because of the fear of being associated with what Kyleah did, or am I wrong?

Tyler.

Thanks Tyler! Yes, the thing I tried to concentrate on was making the script flow - previous efforts by myself to write shorts has left them stilted.

First of all, the CONTINUEDs - yes, I know. They are awful, but my screenwriting software does them automatically and I have no idea how to make them stop! Haha.

And the reason Alexis left school was partially what you guessed, and also because she probably was too disturbed by her involvement to even look at Kyleah anymore.

Once again, thanks for reading. I'm reading an episode of "The Right Wing" for you right now .

*Spoilers*

Hey Ben -

Welcome to the boards...!  A few typos in this, but nothing that's not a quick fix.  You do have a few cases of camera directions that should go (closeups, etc.)  Rule of thumb is leave that to the director, not the script.

My one thing with this is that I'm having a bit of trouble believing that Alexis would go along with this *so* easy.  

Myself, I'd recommend establishing that she's a lot more neurotic and needy, that Kyleah would wield so much control.  And make Kyleah more neurotic, too - in her own way.  Enough that Simone's presence would *really* crumble her world and lead her to homicide...

Good to see new faces on the board - stick around, you'll find SS to be a great writer hangout...!

BTW: which software do you use?  I'm sure someone here can help re: those continueds...  

Wonkavite -
Thankyou for the read, and the criticism.
Yeah, the motive for Alexis and Kyleah is probably underdeveloped, I did rush that idea.

I'll keep this in mind when I rewrite.

Also, I use Celtx (because it's free and I'm a cheapskate). Any ideas, anyone?

Quoted from AlsoBen Also, I use Celtx (because it's free and I'm a cheapskate). Any ideas, anyone?

That one's easy: Typeset/PDF --> Format Options (towards the top) --> 'Mores and continueds' tab --> Uncheck the 'show scene breaks' box. Should only have to do it once.

Thanks for the help, Jonnyboy.

Hey Ben

You have some grammatical and capitalization issues evident in the opening. That stuff doesn't show on film, so not the end of the world, but while you're at the learning stage, you want to work on that stuff too. It will cause you problems down the road.

"But sailors we weren’t..."  --I like this line Ben.

RICK KINGSLEY, (17), a big guy who probably does his hair
more than Kyleah--too funny!

"They hate whatever’s being hated.
It’s why I enjoyed being their
friend so much." - I like that line too. Insightful, uniquely phrased.

There were several wtf moments, some intentional on your part, but a some others..well, wtf. But you touched on some different emotions, had a few surprises, decent start for your writing career. Keep working! The end, with the last few lines, was actually a very nice touch. Keep incorporating things like that in your work, it's effective and will get better as you refine it.

Kevin

Interesting short. I agree with some of the comments on the opening, bit too much description for my tase but  after that I found it tighter.

I was mixed on the VO. It helps to add background and depth of emotion but at the same time seemed a bit out of character with Alexis. I suppose if this is the thoughts of someone later in llfe that makes sense but it doesn't come across like this.

I agree with a previous comment that I was not sure about about Alexis going along with this. What was her motive? Maybe something extra could be thrown to entice her?

Finally I think this was down as a dark comedy? Maybe my taste in comedy is a bit mainstream but I didn't see much in there to amuse, more of a drama.

All the best.

pg 8: You wrote "exists" when I believe you meant to write "exits".

pg. 15: "...nearly visibly ill" This is awkward.


I liked this story. I enjoyed the Siren metaphor (what a coincidence, I'm using one in my script as well!), but in the end I felt it fell a little flat. Especially since this script is around 16 pages long, very little actually happens.

This script reminded me a bit of Jawbreakers and Jennifer's Body. Not that they were in any way similar, it's just the subject of the Queen B Bossy High School Girl (Aren't they a blast to write?). When Alexis discovers why Kyleah is upset about Simone, my opinion of her changed. In those situations, Kyleah would be victim, not the older man who decided to sleep with her. However you don't allow this to be explored, because Kyleah's next action is murder. All the same, her reaction to her classmates finding out was believable (in school, not to Simone), but I found her fear of losing power strange. Why did Simone come to that school? Just to torment Kyleah?

Your slug lines are very well written, but sometimes you include a little too much for a film blueprint.

I enjoyed reading this and I hope you spend more time working on this, because it could make a very good short film if it was more focused on what exactly you wanted it to be about. I have the same problem.

Some of your one liners were great though and I thought Kyleah's introduction was flawless. Good luck on whatever else you are working on!

Leitskiev - Thanks for the review! Ugh, the grammar issues...lets not even go there, haha, this draft was written very quickly. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue in some of these scenes. Thanks!

Reef Dreamer - The VO - very helpful feedback! I needed whoever narrated to be "wise" enough to explain the metaphors but the character of Alexis needed to be a silly, teenage girl in order to fuel the story. I was torn with this, and I was hoping it didnt jar too much on the page. But obviously it did if it impacted flow. Thanks!

Mr ow - I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yes, the character of Kyleah was enjoyable to write .

Hey Ben,

Quoted from AlsoBen Just an addendum, the purpose of me writing this was I always kind of fascinated, as a male, with the dynamics of girls friendships and how powerful someone can be in a clique.

This definitely piqued my interest because, as a male, I’m also fascinated with the way girls interact in their own private circles. We’ve all seen Mean Girls. Cliques are an incredibly secretive, daunting, and terrifying place to be. It’s what I imagine Lord of the Flies looking like with some lipstick and nail polish.

I took some notes while reading and wanted to throw them at you:

Page 1 – I think you overdid the descriptions of the neighborhood. Once we get the description of “typical American suburbia,” we can pretty much imagine yards being watered and children riding bikes. Three paragraphs describing every detail of this neighborhood is, I think, overkill.

Page 2 – Your description for each girl is okay, but how is an audience supposed to instantly know Alexis is Jewish? Does she wear the Star of David around her neck or something? Looking back, this seems quite irrelevant to the story anyway.

Page 6 – “Kyleah talks quietly to Rick, inbetween laboured breathe” -- Incorrect word usage and no punctuation. Also, laboured should be labored.

Page 8 – “This bathroom is well-light and nice.” Awkward. Reword.

Page 9 – “She checks her phone, then looks up at a group of younger
GIRLS stands by their lockers” should be standing.

Page 11 – “She sturggles not to cry” should be struggles.

and

“How embaressing” should be embarrassing.

Page 12 –

               ALEXIS (VO)
          Yes I did.

Take out ‘yes.’ It reads better.

Page 14 – “one storey home” should be story.

There were a few more typos and grammatical mistakes throughout, so I would definitely give this one another read or two with a very diligent eye to correct them.

Of everything, I think you excelled at the voiceovers. The narration intrigues, is relevant to the action, and flows wonderfully. Your dialogue is also pretty good, with a few modern references (Facebook, digital cameras with LCD screens). A lot of writers attempt to write about today’s youth and often forget to include these very basic elements. Nice job.

But overall, I liked the concept for this one more than the execution. This isn’t to say you have a bad script—it’s actually okay and read like a breeze—but it’s definitely an idea you could explore more. I had a few questions by the end.

What happened to Tobias? Was his character included just to show how much power Kyleah had over people without the aid of money or personal favors?

What was the importance of the sex scene between Kyleah and Rick? I feel like more should have been done with this besides the obvious “Kyleah is two-faced to her friends” revelation.

Again, the entire idea behind Siren feels like something that could and should be expanded upon.

Ever seen the movie Jawbreaker? It’s about three teenage girls who kidnap their friend as a prank and accidentally kill her in the process. They spend the rest of the movie covering up their secret and finding a replacement for their clique. The writer of that film had every intention of creating a horror movie at the start, but after going through the actual writing process, he found the interactions between the girls so amusing, he decided to turn it into a black comedy.

I see something similar happening with your script, only flipped. This could definitely work as a horror/thriller, with the most popular girl in school literally killing for her status, and the rest of her friends keeping silent for their own reputations.

I would definitely start thinking of ways to turn this into a feature.

Keep writing!

Chris

Wow! Such thorough criticism, Sham. I'm really grateful.

About the typoes and grammar errors and the like...yeah I have no excuse HAHA I wrote this in a rush and submitted a first draft.

I have no idea why I made Alexis Jewish specifically, I guess it was just the idea I had in my head. I also kind of realise now how racist it was to assume "Jewish" is a visible trait, lol.

Thankyou for the compliment regarding pacing and breeziness. Like I said, I tried my best to make this short flow more than my previous attempts.

Thanks for feedback!