Changing Lanes by Quentin Bangston - Short, Comedy - A single, once-teen mom takes the manager job at the local swimming pool only to discover a secret crack cocaine production facility run by city officials. 36 pages - pdf, format

Overall, I liked what I read, which only constituted six pages, but I may give it another read when I have more time. Descriptions were good, but the story felt a little slow, but maybe this was necessary - would have translated well to screen. Some of the dialogue slowed the pace - options may be:

MRS. RUCKER
(exploding anger)
You heard me. That little bastard
girl of yours attacked Damien.
MAGGIE
...what?
MRS RUCKER
...gave him a black eye...
PRINCIPLE GRADY
Mrs. Rucker, please...
MRS RUCKER
...that'll still be there for family
pictures.
PRINCIPAL GRADY
...before I have you escorted from the building.

Is a little more realistic, and a little snappier.

Also, some action lines such as:
Wait. What?
...were over-done; occasionally this works, but I felt there was a little too much 'script-writer talking to the audience' - I know this can engage, but I think should be used sparingly (like salt) to have full impact.

Overall writing style was good, had a profesional feel to it, you've obviously had time to craft the knack.

I'm guessing this is a just a start to a feature?  The ending was so abrupt and tied absolutely nothing together?  Help a brother out...

Your dialogue is really well done, and the overall pace of the script moves along nicely.  Your characters are great and well defined, and overall I think this is a start to a great story.  Let me know when you finish it...

TheSecond, nope this isn't a feature...yet. I was planning for this to be more of a pilot episode to a 13 episode season that would appear on a network like Showtime or HBO, but I guess I never put Pilot on the title page or put it in the Series section of this website. My bad. But I would love to flesh this idea out and create it into a feature.

SiColl007, thank you for your suggestion. It made a lot of sense to me and would help the flow of the script.

Thank you both for your suggestions and comments! They really help.

Okay - I typed this up and then saw your feed-back - makes sense that it's a series, but I've pasted my feedback none-the-less.

Hi - finally got round to reading the full script, and here are my thoughts:

I felt that the script-writing skills were good, there are some minor errors which would benefit from some proof-reading. Formatting overall was good, but I have not seen a montage (p20) done in this way before - it was a little informal, and distracting. As good is:

MONTAGE:
Maggie attends a series of interviews at dull, life-less offices.

Once the montage is complete, as far as I know, a new slug-line is all that is needed.

Formatting gripes aside, I think the main reason why this script falls is the story-telling skills. A script is simply a formatted way of telling a story. And here's why I think this story goes wrong - there is no story.

The piece is an interesting introduction to something that looked at first like a made-for-TV-melodrama, but developed lines of quirky comedy which made it likable and easy to read. It then ends abruptly, leaving the reader (and potential viewer), with no clues as to what really has happened.

Some option that may help to improve it:

1.  A lot of the characters are not needed. You can remove Trent, and Grandma - they play no part in moving the story or completing the story. Spend less time with your lengthy character introductions - for instance, it would have been possible to introduce Grandma (if necessary) and Noah at the same time - this could have laid the way for some snappy dialogue, and cut the time introducing these people.

2. The conflict function barely exists - what is the main character's job? - why should we be rooting for her? It would be easy for her to uncover a dodgy drug scam, and maybe enlist Noah and Trent to help her defeat the nasty Jason Burke, who appears to help her out at first, but with ulterior motives.

3. Give the story a proper ending. Maggie simply being chloroformed is not an ending. I might guess that this is a half-completed script, but am I right?

So, script-writing skills good; story-telling needs work.

Best of luck to you.