Restroom by Jordan Littleton (nomad) - Short - The decisions we make today, affect the rest of our lives.  John's decision to use this particular restroom will change his life forever. 9 pages - pdf, format

Great script.  I enjoyed it a lot.  

Well, I'd definitely have a little more to say about this script if 'nomad' is about.

I'll say this much to begin with: it's a fast ride and it's got lots of potential for a great lil' story...

SPOILER ALERT

********************

but the ending kinda sucks. I thought it was going to end 'cleverly' -but you just took the 'wind out of the sails' with that conclusion, imho.

Oh, and get Celtx or a similar freebie scriptwriting software. Lots more to add... re formatting and your plot... if you're about.

A good script, but I agree with LC that it could've had a better ending. I was expecting something better than just SPOILER he gets shot. Also, it would make a good feature script, in my opinion.

The only typo I spotted was on page 5, when Jeden says "Clean the blood off the case and lets go." There needs to be an apostrophe before the "s" in "let's."

The ending is the best part!  Don't listen to these two.  Greed is what killed this guy.  Had he not taken the sack of cash, and just went home, he would still be alive.  

My suggestion with this script is to go through and do a rewrite or two, tighten the whole thing up and shop it around.  I would love to see this one come to life.  

Yeah, this is surprisingly pretty good.

The writing itself is another story.  So much passive verbiage going on everywhere really takes one out of the read.

Early on, you misspelled cell phone, which looked like a bad omen of things to come, but otherwise, pretty decent.

I think the end will be a polarizing issue.  I like it in many ways, but can see where something a little more creative would be nice.

Not bad though at all...

Quoted from TheSecond The ending is the best part!  Don't listen to these two.

Your comment was pretty tacky.  Screenwriting is very subjective.   Advice is not a straight-up, one person one vote, democracy. So why don't we let nomad decide... to take the people who are giving it, and weight them according to relevance.

@nomad... too be honest I wasn't going to read this.  Mainly because I don't recognize your name.  But since I decided to hi-jack your thread I did.  You didn't bring anything new to the table with this.  And I would agree, your ending is lackluster.  You could tighten up the writing a bit (we all could) and run spell check.

Other then that, it was a solid effort.

Ghostie

I'm tacky partner...  It's his story, he wrote it the way he saw it.  I understood it and appreciated it, therefore back him in his ending.  

Hello Jordan,

Noticed the activity here, thought I'd give this a look see.
I don't recognize you from the boards, new here?
If you're around and contribute reviews, I'll go into more detail about your script.

Purely from a narrative point of view, this isn't half bad.
It moves at a decent clip, the ending was what I expected.
Save for the fact it felt cut short, sure the guy got greedy and got dead.
But a bullet from an unseen assailant with no dialogue didn't do it for me.
It didn't measure up to the rest of your effort, IMO.
Why not have dialogue, reveal their identity, maybe it's a surprise who's got the gun.

You have a lot to learn about format, so did I, when I joined SS.
If you put the time into this forum and do peer reviews, you will get much better.
Take the first step and review some veterans around here.

Best of luck, hope to see you around the boards.
Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.

I have to agree with the others here.

I expected that ending. It's okay, but I would have liked to have seen some kind of an unexpected twist at the end.

Welcome aboard.

Cindy

Thank you everyone for reading my story.  I didn't know this had been posted.  I'll read all of your comments and reply to each one.

This is my first attempt at a screenwriting.  I'm new to the board and new to screenwriting so any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.

Right now I'm just using Word Pad to write my screenplays.  I figure I'd learn the format first and then let a program do it for me.

Quoted from TheSecond Great script.  I enjoyed it a lot.

Thanks TheSecond.  You were spot on with the "Greed" comment.  I'm glad you enjoyed the story.  It was a short story that I wrote back in '95.  I figured this would make a good starting point for my first screenplay.

Quoted from LC Lots more to add... re formatting and your plot... if you're about.

I'm about.  Thanks for the read LC.  I'd be grateful for any advice you have.  I've been reading up on formatting and I would do the first phone conversation differently.  I wouldn't use the parentheses on two lines.  

It would read better like this:  (into phone; calmly).

Quoted from crookedowl The only typo I spotted was on page 5, when Jeden says "Clean the blood off the case and lets go." There needs to be an apostrophe before the "s" in "let's."

Thank you crookedowel for reading my script and for finding the typo.  I'm a stickler for proper spelling and grammar.  I feel foolish when simple things like that get past me.

Quoted from Dreamscale Yeah, this is surprisingly pretty good. The writing itself is another story.  So much passive verbiage going on everywhere really takes one out of the read.

Thanks for the compliment Dreamscale.  I'm glad you liked it.  Would you mind pointing out a couple places where the passive verbiage took you out of the read?  I'd like to incorporate the comments from the forum into the new draft.

Thank you also for pointing out that the ending will be polarizing.  That's the one thing I get the most comments on.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal ... too be honest I wasn't going to read this.  Mainly because I don't recognize your name.  But since I decided to hi-jack your thread I did.  You didn't bring anything new to the table with this.  And I would agree, your ending is lackluster.  You could tighten up the writing a bit (we all could) and run spell check. Other then that, it was a solid effort. Ghostie

I'm glad you decided to hi-jack my thread Ghostie.     You're absolutely correct when you say I didn't bring anything new to the table.  My intention was to get my first screenplay out of the way, using a story I was familiar with.  I'm constantly working on tightening up my writing.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer ...a bullet from an unseen assailant with no dialogue didn't do it for me. It didn't measure up to the rest of your effort, IMO. Why not have dialogue, reveal their identity, maybe it's a surprise who's got the gun. You have a lot to learn about format, so did I, when I joined SS. If you put the time into this forum and do peer reviews, you will get much better. Take the first step and review some veterans around here.

Thank you for the read ED.  I was debating changing the ending but since this was a story I had written many years ago, I wanted to stay true to the original and see where it took me.  Some dialogue when John gets shot might be appropriate if there was a twist.  Since I just wanted to ride this one out in a predictable fashion, I didn't deem it necessary.  A lot of stories seem to have a twist at the end, so I guess my twist was not having a twist.

Would you mind pointing out two areas in which I need to work on my formatting?  I'll be sure to read and comment on more scripts here.  I've read Lie Detector but I don't think I've commented on it yet.

Quoted from CindyLKeller It's okay, but I would have liked to have seen some kind of an unexpected twist at the end. Welcome aboard. Cindy

Thanks for welcoming me aboard the S.S. S.S.  I understand what you're saying about wanting an unexpected twist at the end.  One idea I was throwing around was that it was his wife who killed him and she was actually paying the guys at the airport to do it but it got botched up by John.  I wanted to stay true to the original.  I'll be sure to write something new and have a twist at the end.

Hi Jordan,

Just gave this a read. Some notes as I go....

JOHN
(into phone)
(anxiously)
I just landed.
(pause)
Yeah, I think I got it. I'll know by tomorrow night.
(pause)
I know it's in Philidelphia but it's a job.
(pause)
(agitated)
You know we can't do that. We used the last of
our savings for my trip.
(pause)
(angered)
No! I'm not borrowing any more money from your
parents! They already watch the girls for free!
(pause)
(calmly)
Okay. We'll talk about it tonight. I gotta go.
I love...
CLICK. -- Lose the wrylies. Hope for your actors to be able to interpret how to say these lines. This is kind of on the nose. Seems unrealistic he would be telling his wife something she should already know. I would add her into the conversation. Give her some (V.O.) lines from the other end of the telephone. Make the exchange more real to the audience.

I thought this was pretty good. It had a decent level of tension. You could create more by making the audience care for your protag.  Maybe he doesn't get the job. Have his wife yell at him.

Then this money seems like an easy fix, only to find he left his wallet behind. I like the end. Thats the way it should end IMO. Its dark, but realistic.

Keep on writing. And welcome to the boards....

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Lose the wrylies. I thought this was pretty good. It had a decent level of tension. You could create more by making the audience care for your protag.  Maybe he doesn't get the job. Have his wife yell at him.

Thanks for the read James.  You have some very good suggestions.  I will lose the wrylies.  I don't think I'll add the wife's dialogue though because I want the reader to fill in the other half of the conversation.  

I especially like the suggestion about him not getting the job.  If he didn't get the job he would be more desperate and more willing to risk it all for the money.  It would be much more powerful that way.

Much appreciated.