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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  White Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 1st, 2011, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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White by Rajesh Bhardwaj - Short, Drama - White is the story of Javier, a man who has sinned for the better of his family and is now on his deathbed, ready to accept death. Before he dies, he has to accept heaven or hell.  6 pages - pdf, format


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JonesyL
Posted: August 3rd, 2011, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rajesh, I'm new to the site but will try and give you as much feedback as I can.

Honestly the screenplay did not hold my attention considering it's a short script. I think your scene descriptions are a problem, I'll go through some different areas.

"EXT. FOREST - DAY
The camera fades in on a forest somewhere around the world.
Snow is everywhere in the forest reducing the temperature to
the coldest climates of Russia. "

The slug line lacks personality. "FOREST" doesn't tell us much. Even just saying "SNOWY FOREST" would give us something more visually. The next sentence should be replaced by a FADE IN: before the slug. Although this isn't really a camera direction, you do then use camera directions later which isn't a good habit unless you're shooting the film.

By the end of your description all you've defined is that it is a snowy forest which could have been defined simply with your slug. Maybe you could use the space to give a more visual description.

Try and be a little more economical with your sentences. For example from page 1; "When JAVIER sees him he
stares at him as if he had seen him somewhere before." It's sloppy and slows the pace considerably making it harder to read. "JAVIER stares as if he had seen him somewhere before" is an improvement but even this is dry, spice it up!  

"Marta is quite a strong and resilient girl. She helped her
Mother recover from a drug overdose and she is not too weak
to help this time."  

How is the audience of your film going to know this? You're explaining it to the reader but not showing it to your audience which renders it pointless.

"JAVIER is now not moving. It is quite obvious the decay of
his cancer has killed him."

He has cancer?? Again, this isn't written in visually or in dialogue which renders it useless. If these points are important try to get them across in the story, don't just tell us as the readers.

Overall I found your dialogue flat for the most part. I liked the first page dialogue which felt like it was leading somewhere. It didn't, still I found it quite sweet but then I found it confusing once I realised it was his father. The rest of the dialogue is just a little boring and not revealing enough.

The heart of the story is a father having to leave his daughter behind as his father left him. It should be heart wrenching stuff but without a good connection to your characters it just came and left leaving nothing with me. You have some interesting areas regarding the mothers death and a battle with cancer, use them to build connections between the characters and the audience.

Also you need page numbers!

I'll leave it there! Good luck! It would be great if anybody else reading could help me out with my critique too as I'm no expert!



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Branzig Rubenburg
Posted: August 31st, 2011, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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The script was detailed, but sometimes too detailed.  Like the guy above has already said, don't write what the audience can't see.  Introduce the cancer into the dialogue and the mother's drug overdose if you want (Otherwise, leave it out completely).  The visual descriptions were very good though.  Keep up the good work!
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TheSecond
Posted: August 31st, 2011, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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The surface is home to the mindless. Go deep.

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"JAVIER glances this place he is in where now there is no sound." yikes...

There was a scene in "What Dreams May Come" where Robin Williams discovers that the (smoking HOT) Asian Flight Attendant he'd been touring heaven with is actually his daughter.  
This short somewhat reminded me of that scene, but aside from that, not much else going on here.  I lost focus at about page 3 and a half.  I like what you were going for here, but I think you may need to work out some of the finer details - not to mention the grammar.  

Jonesy's advice is pretty much right on from my perspective, so no need to reiterate.  Good luck!
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