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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Invisible Noose Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 24th, 2011, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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The Invisible Noose by Layla O'Shea (RadioShea) - Drama - After fifteen years, Stan still harbors the guilt over his wife's sudden death due to his obsession with time. Can a gleefully vulgar homeless man and nemesis co-worker open Stan's eyes before his last chance at happiness fades away? 108 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
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Page 1 – Opening Slug is a bear..and not good in any way.  Let’s look at it in more detail.  OK, first of all, we’re outside, actually, in the sky.  You use “1ST CLASS SECTION OF FLYING BOEING 777200LR” – which is basically a “commercial airliner” that’s flying – no need for the level of detail here.  More importantly, though, by saying “1st class”, you’re zeroing in on a set of windows, in the front of the craft, yet your first action/description line talks about the clouds, in a very flowery description, which you don’t want in a script.  You then give us the actual brand of the airline, “TransWorld Airlines”, and repeat “First Class” from your Slug (you don’t want to repeat your Slug if at all possible), but even worse, this time you spell out “First”, as opposed to “1st” as you had in your Slug.  Then, you intro a character, from outside, through the window, which is definitely a form of directing the shot, which you don’t want to do.  And to top this all off, it’s a 6 line passage (don’t go over 4!).

Your next Slug gives us the exact seat Jim’s in, which is over detail, and your opening line here is extremely awkward, total direction from you, and is some kind of POV that’s not correctly formatted, and totally unnecessary.  BTW, you do not have internet access on a plane, so there wouldn’t be any scrolling stock market stuff on his laptop.

Turn off the “CONTINUED” on the tops and bottoms of your pages…total waste of space and irritating to boot.

So, we’ve got 2 full pages of basically nothing, other than intros to 2 characters and dialogue.  I hope these are 2 main characters, otherwise, this is a waste.

Page 2 - The last passage here is a mess, sorry to say.  Again, there’s no internet on a plane, and even if there is, is it important to know he’s looking at wsj.com?  Maybe it is, I don’t know, but it sure reads as meaningless detail at this point.  The wording just isn’t good here, though, all around.  The stuff about “flames emitting from the engine furthest him” is impossible to visualize, as written.  This is taking place outside, obviously, so he’d be seeing this through a window, and from First Class, I can’t see how he’d be able to see this, as it’s got to be a ways back, and most likely there’s something separating First Class from the rest of the plane anyways.  Know what I mean, or am I not visualizing this certain make of plane?

Page 3 – Opening passage is worded poorly again.  Also, not broken up properly.  Think about breaking up these blocks of text, based on shot or thought.  When it changes, start a new passage.  You’ve got so many different things going on here, all in the same passage.   First, there’s an explosion, but instead of “seeing” what it does, it’s in “their ears”.  Then, Amy is thrown down and passengers yell.  Next, Jim looks out this phantom window and sees that 2/3 of the wing is gone, and also somehow can tell that the plane is “descending like a bullet”.  Then back to Amy, as she stands and calls out.

Amy’s “speech” is ludicrous in this situation, IMO.

The following passage is also ludicrous with the details about Jim’s laptop and opening up E-Mail now, even.

The pilot’s dialogue would actually be “(V.O.)”, as he’s not just offscreen, and his voice is coming over a PA system.

There’s no E-Mail on a plane either, and the level of giving the E-Mail address is way overboard again.

Amy’s last dialogue near the bottom of the page is ludicrous again.  It comes off as unintentionally funny, actually.

Page 4 – You’ve got a huge expense on your hands in your first 4 pages, with this plane crash. It’s a nice touch with the deer, but the whole thing is unnecessary and most likely wouldn’t be filmed (as it just isn’t pertinent – we realize the plane is going to crash, based on the last scene).

So, let’s look back at what went down here through 3 ½ pages – I said earlier, I sure hope Jim and Amy are going to be main characters cause you spent 2 pages introing them and having them chit chat.  A page and a ½ later, and they’re both dead, meaning none of their conversation mattered – it was a waste.  Will the detailed internet stuff matter?   I don’t know at this point, but if it doesn’t that was all a waste as well, and also, remember it was all unrealistic because there’s no internet or E-mail on a plane.

OK, some notes in general, as I can’t continue being this detailed. ..

In dialogue, you can’t use multiple passages under a character.  If you need to break them up, you have to use a “(beat)”.  You want to try and not have long dialogue blocks anyways though.

Much of the dialogue sounds very unrealistic, especially in this situation.  Why in the world would Rita not want to try and get all the money she could from this?    Why isn’t she going to get any life payout from Jim’s death?

Page 7 – Oh boy, here we go – 38 years earlier?  Followed by a V.O. from a “male narrator”?  No…not good, Layla…not good.

The next SUPER is another head scratcher.  Just a note on SUPERS – most detest them and feel they’re a cheat.  I don’t agree with this, but you’ve got to be sparing in your use of them.  It’s another form of direction, which is sometimes very necessary, but surely not here.

Page 8 – Now we’re going forward 43 years?  As in 5 years after the plane crash?  Layla, you’re being very ambitious…too ambitious, IMO.

And here we have the classic clichéd alarm clock scene again (again, in terms of your other script I started earlier today).  

Way too much detail, IMO of very dull daily routines going on here.  Sounds like it could come into play, with your “time” theme, but it’s a lot of words and detail for not much happening.

Is it “Stanley” or “Stan”?  you as the writer should use the same name each time in your prose…obviously other characters can call him anything they want.

OK, gonna stop here on page 9.  WAY TOO MUCH DETAIL being given on every line.  It’s a fine line between too little and too much, but the line here is quite thick.  I recommend reading other scripts and getting an idea of the level other writers give on mundane things and details.  You should find your own comfort zone, but it has to be much less than you’re using here.

The narrator angle rarely is going to work.  IMO, it definitely doesn’t work here.  It comes off as extremely cheesy.

Wish I could go further, but it’s a tough read for me, based on all the issues running around like a herd of elephants.  I don’t mean to be harsh, only to help and point out things to you that you can decide how to handle, as you gain experience in your writing.

Read scripts on SS.  Provide feedback.  Learn how things work…and don’t work.  Most of all, have fun here and learn all you can.

Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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RadioShea89
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I asked for it, so I can take it. I have been studying the screenplay format for the last 2 years, and will continue working on the craft. I have had some good luck advancing in competitions already, so no worries what your comments may do to my confidence. Actually received a letter from The Austin Film Festival today for the other screnplay you critiqued - top 10% of 5800 scripts - with a written comment "very honest and believable story - well done!"  I do have some comments in CAPS within your review below, not so much to defend my honor, but to explain the reasoning behind why some things were handled in a certain way. And if given enough time, most questions would be answered.

Also, don't forget, you are reading but a small sliver of a STORY. While we can go on and on about Stan vs. Stanley and FIRST vs 1st, let's remember that a screenplay is about character development, plots, subplots, subtext, twists, turns and resolutions. I take the critique with a grain of salt knowing that you really didn't just sit back and see where the story lead to.    

Page 1 – Opening Slug is a bear..and not good in any way.  Let’s look at it in more detail.  OK, first of all, we’re outside, actually, in the sky.  You use “1ST CLASS SECTION OF FLYING BOEING 777200LR” – which is basically a “commercial airliner” that’s flying – no need for the level of detail here. IN THIS CASE, THIS IS IMPORTANT. AS A WRITER WHO WANTS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, FACTS ARE IMPORTANT. TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY THOSE IN THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY, THERE ARE VERY FEW PLANES WHERE THE WING IS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW OF FIRST CLASS PASSENGERS. SINCE STAN HAS TO SEE THE FLAMES, I HAD TO PICK THE CORRECT PLANE MODEL. More importantly, though, by saying “1st class”, you’re zeroing in on a set of windows, in the front of the craft, yet your first action/description line talks about the clouds, in a very flowery description, which you don’t want in a script.  You then give us the actual brand of the airline, “TransWorld Airlines”, and repeat “First Class” from your Slug (you don’t want to repeat your Slug if at all possible), but even worse, this time you spell out “First”, as opposed to “1st” as you had in your Slug - WHOOPS - THX.  Then, you intro a character, from outside, through the window, which is definitely a form of directing the shot, which you don’t want to do.  And to top this all off, it’s a 6 line passage (don’t go over 4!). FOR THE MOST PART - IF YOU SCROLL QUICKLY YOU"LL SEE MUCH MORE WHITE SPACE. I"M VERY AWARE OF HOW IMPORTANT WHITE SPACE IS.

Your next Slug gives us the exact seat Jim’s in, which is over detail, and your opening line here is extremely awkward, total direction from you, and is some kind of POV that’s not correctly formatted, and totally unnecessary. AGAIN, TO BE AUTHENTIC, THIS IS ONE OF THE ONLY !ST CLASS SEATS THAT CAN SEE THE WING.  BTW, you do not have internet access on a plane, so there wouldn’t be any scrolling stock market stuff on his laptop. AGAIN, I DID MY RESEARCH. CHECK OUT THE DELTA WEBSITE AND YOU"LL SEE:

"In-flight Wi-Fi Access
Taking off doesn't mean you have to disconnect. With Wi-Fi on more than 2,200 domestic daily flights through our partnership with Gogo® Inflight Internet access, you can check email, connect with friends and family, or follow your favorite team, all above 10,000 feet."


Turn off the “CONTINUED” on the tops and bottoms of your pages…total waste of space and irritating to boot. I AGREE. THIS IS AN OLDER PDF. I HAD ALREADY TURNED IT OFF AFTER I LEARNED HOW TO DO SO.

So, we’ve got 2 full pages of basically nothing, other than intros to 2 characters and dialogue.  I hope these are 2 main characters, otherwise, this is a waste. JIM TURNS OUT TO BE QUITE IMPORTANT INDEED. THE STEWARDESS WAS A VEHICLE FOR LEARNING A LITTLE BIT ABOUT JIM BEFORE HE CRASHED AND BURNED.

Page 2 - The last passage here is a mess, sorry to say.  Again, there’s no internet on a plane, and even if there is, is it important to know he’s looking at wsj.com? VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW. IT IS A CLUE TO SOMETHING LATER IN THE SCRIPT.  Maybe it is, I don’t know, but it sure reads as meaningless detail at this point.  The wording just isn’t good here, though, all around.  The stuff about “flames emitting from the engine furthest him” is impossible to visualize, as written.  This is taking place outside, obviously, so he’d be seeing this through a window, and from First Class, I can’t see how he’d be able to see this, NOW YOU KNOW WHY I PICKED THAT PLANE! as it’s got to be a ways back, and most likely there’s something separating First Class from the rest of the plane anyways.  Know what I mean, or am I not visualizing this certain make of plane?

Page 3 – Opening passage is worded poorly again.  Also, not broken up properly.  Think about breaking up these blocks of text, based on shot or thought. - THX  When it changes, start a new passage.  You’ve got so many different things going on here, all in the same passage.   First, there’s an explosion, but instead of “seeing” what it does, it’s in “their ears”.  Then, Amy is thrown down and passengers yell.  Next, Jim looks out this phantom window and sees that 2/3 of the wing is gone, and also somehow can tell that the plane is “descending like a bullet”.  Then back to Amy, as she stands and calls out.

Amy’s “speech” is ludicrous in this situation, IMO. MAYBE, BUT I FELT IT WAS HER FIRST DAY, SO SHE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD DO WHAT SHE'S BEEN TRAINING TO DO. I'LL GIVE THAT MORE THOUGHT. THX.

The following passage is also ludicrous with the details about Jim’s laptop and opening up E-Mail now, even.

The pilot’s dialogue would actually be “(V.O.)”, as he’s not just offscreen, and his voice is coming over a PA system. THX

There’s no E-Mail on a plane either, and the level of giving the E-Mail address is way overboard again. AGAIN, THERE IS EMAIL.

Amy’s last dialogue near the bottom of the page is ludicrous again.  It comes off as unintentionally funny, actually.

Page 4 – You’ve got a huge expense on your hands in your first 4 pages, with this plane crash. It’s a nice touch with the deer, but the whole thing is unnecessary and most likely wouldn’t be filmed (as it just isn’t pertinent – we realize the plane is going to crash, based on the last scene). THX

So, let’s look back at what went down here through 3 ½ pages – I said earlier, I sure hope Jim and Amy are going to be main characters cause you spent 2 pages introing them and having them chit chat.  A page and a ½ later, and they’re both dead, meaning none of their conversation mattered – it was a waste. BACKSTORY FOR JIM  Will the detailed internet stuff matter? YES  I don’t know at this point, but if it doesn’t that was all a waste as well, and also, remember it was all unrealistic because there’s no internet or E-mail on a plane. OH< BUT THERE IS, MY FRIEND!

OK, some notes in general, as I can’t continue being this detailed. ..

In dialogue, you can’t use multiple passages under a character.  If you need to break them up, you have to use a “(beat)”.  You want to try and not have long dialogue blocks anyways though. THE MORE I READ, THE INDUSTRY IS GETTING AWAY FROM WRITING "BEAT". SHOULD BE USED SPARINGLY.

Much of the dialogue sounds very unrealistic, especially in this situation.  Why in the world would Rita not want to try and get all the money she could from this? AS SHE SAID, SHE'D RATHER MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE THAN DRAG OUT THE TRAGEDY.   Why isn’t she going to get any life payout from Jim’s death?

Page 7 – Oh boy, here we go – 38 years earlier?  Followed by a V.O. from a “male narrator”?  No…not good, Layla…not good.

The next SUPER is another head scratcher.  Just a note on SUPERS – most detest them and feel they’re a cheat.  I don’t agree with this, but you’ve got to be sparing in your use of them.  It’s another form of direction, which is sometimes very necessary, but surely not here. IF YOU READ IT CAREFULLY, THE SUPER SHOWS STAN'S BIRTH TO BE "ON TIME" BY SHOWING THE FIRST LETTERS OF EACH WORD TO COME OUT TOGETHER. THERE IS HUMOR IN THIS STORY, SO THIS IS TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO REALIZE IT'S NOT GOING TO BE A TOTAL DOWNER OF A MOVIE. I ACTUALLY GOT MANY COMPLIMENTS ON THAT BIT FROM SOME PEOPLE.

Page 8 – Now we’re going forward 43 years?  As in 5 years after the plane crash?  Layla, you’re being very ambitious…too ambitious, IMO. THIS IS TO SHOW THAT WHEN WE MEET RITA AGAIN, FIVE YEARS HAVE PASSED AND STAN IS HITTING HIS MIDDLE YEARS. THERE IS A REASON FOR THIS AS WELL. I PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THIS.

And here we have the classic clichéd alarm clock scene again (again, in terms of your other script I started earlier today). WE ARE GOING TO GET A TASTE OF STAN'S ROUTINE. AS HE IS ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH TIME, CLOCKS HAPPEN TO BE VERY IMPORTANT IN THIS STORY.  

Way too much detail, IMO of very dull daily routines going on here.  Sounds like it could come into play, with your “time” theme, but it’s a lot of words and detail for not much happening. GIVEN A LITTLE MORE TIME (AND JUST READING, NOT SEARCHING FOR ERRORS) YOU MIGHT ACTAULLY GET A LAUGH OR TWO.

Is it “Stanley” or “Stan”?  you as the writer should use the same name each time in your prose…obviously other characters can call him anything they want. THX.

OK, gonna stop here on page 9.  WAY TOO MUCH DETAIL being given on every line.  It’s a fine line between too little and too much, but the line here is quite thick.  I recommend reading other scripts and getting an idea of the level other writers give on mundane things and details.  You should find your own comfort zone, but it has to be much less than you’re using here.

The narrator angle rarely is going to work.  IMO, it definitely doesn’t work here.  It comes off as extremely cheesy. I'LL TAKE THAT UNDER ADVISEMENT. MAYBE THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS IT ADVANCES, BUT DOESN"T PLACE.

Wish I could go further, but it’s a tough read for me, based on all the issues running around like a herd of elephants.  I don’t mean to be harsh, only to help and point out things to you that you can decide how to handle, as you gain experience in your writing.

Read scripts on SS.  Provide feedback.  Learn how things work…and don’t work.  Most of all, have fun here and learn all you can. THX. I WILL

Take care.




“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Layla, my apologies about saying there isn't internet or E-mail on planes.  I actually did look it up before I posted, and the initial answer I got was no, but I see you are definitely correct.  Sorry about that!  

Congrats on your success with these scripts.  That's great to hear.  I'm very surprised, but that sure doesn't lessen the achievement.

Hope my feedback wasn't too harsh, as I calls 'em as I sees 'em.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Layla, wanted to respond in a little more detail and hopefully clarify a few things I said that you replied to.

First of all, again, I really apologize about the internet thing.  I learned something new today and I always appreciate that, so thank you.

OK, first of all, let me say that I am also a HUGELY detail oriented person and I totally appreciate attention to detail in a script and when a writer takes the time to research things, so that the script makes sense from a reality based situation.  You get big KUDOS on that!

My point about your first Slug is that in reality, what you’re showing here is open sky and clouds, then (most likely) you’re zeroing in on a certain section, and window even of this plane.  So, technically speaking, the Slug is not correct as written.  IMO, it would be cleaner and better if you had a Slug of “SKY” or the like, then mentioned the plane (make and model if you choose), and finally zeroed in on the certain window…but…by doing this (introing a character inside the plane, through a tiny window, outside the plane), you’re totally directing the shot.  And being your opening passage, IMO, it’s not the way you want to start things off, as you will have some readers (like me, for instance) who see this as an immediate red flag.  Know what I’m saying?

In terms of white space, I’m not seriously that big a proponent of it.  My point about your “big blocks” of action/description prose, is that it’s much more difficult to read a script that has passages over 4 lines, as well as your not breaking your passages up properly, which would yield smaller blocks, and more white space, actually.

As for giving the exact seat # in your 2nd Slug, my point is that you have action taking place in other areas, within that Slug.  You’re limiting yourself by using it, and technically speaking, again, it’s not correct.  If you want to tell us he’s sitting in that exact seat, that’s cool…just do it in the description prose.  The Slug should probably read something like “PLANE – FIRST CLASS SECTION”.

No big deal about the dialogue exchange being too long or too meaningless.  I actually like and write chatty scripts.  My point here was that I didn’t think the dialogue sounded remotely realistic, especially from  Amy, but you know how that goes – you can’t please ‘em all, all the time, and dialogue is something that most will disagree on till the frickin’ cows come home.

As for the detail about the websites, etc, I had a feeling there must be a reason why you included it, so if it’s important, forget what I said, and my apologies.

I’ve personally never seen dialogue broken up into separate passages, coming from the same person.  When I saw yours, I was wondering if a new character was speaking, but you forgot to add a new dialogue box.  I agree beats should be used very sparingly, but more importantly, I believe dialogue shouldn’t be too long from a single character, without another character interacting, or throwing in an action line to break it up.

I understand what you’re saying about the SUPER “ON TIME” and I also understood that you were going for some sort of visual humor, but, IMO, again, this is a total form of you, the writer, playing director – sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Some like it, some have no problem with it, while others are going to ding you on it.  You never know.

I understand completely the need for a SUPER when you’re jumping back and forth in time.  I totally do.  My point is that on Page 7, you jumped back 38 years to show the birth of someone brand new to the script (with a SUPER), then, you’ve shown your little visual humor (with another SUPER), and then, a few seconds (lines) later, you jump forward 43 years (with another SUPER) – that’s 3 SUPERS in less than ½ a page – that’s a lot of SUPERS and a lot of time jumping in so short a time frame.  That’s what I was trying to get across to you.

The deal with the alarm clock thing is that it’s a heavily used and very clichéd device.  You also had it in your other script. If it’s important to the story, that’s totally cool.  Many people will make the same comment about it though, I’d bet.

If I get a chance, I will try and read this entire script and I won’t take any detailed notes about what I feel is incorrect – I’ll just give you my feelings on the story, plot, etc.

I didn’t intend to put you down as a writer, or put your script down either.  I always try to help, enlighten, and draw attention to things that many don’t see, or even realize.  That’s all. Hope you understand that.

There’re obviously 1,000’s of ways to write a script. IMO, there are certain things that need to be adhered to, but I’m often standing on my own little mountain or island…but I love mountains and islands, so if I can have my own, I guess I’m cool with that.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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RadioShea89
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Jeff. You may get one of my scripts optioned one day!


“Every piece of writing... starts from what I call a grit... a sight or sound, a sentence or happening that does not pass away... but quite inexplicably lodges in the mind.” ~ Rumer Godden
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drnoblet
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Hey Layla,

I have taken a look at the first 20 pages of the script (and the previous comments, which I feel are touch pedantic...).

I like it thus far. I do have a few comments of my own.

There are some Directions and use of "we". Suggest you edit them out.
The script is very lively... many different scenes may need cutting.
The use of:
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT
SUPER: 38 YEARS EARLIER

etc...

I would use the format INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT - 38 YEARS EARLIER

The reason for this is that in using SUPER... you are giving Direction. And he or she may not like being told what to do. Give him the choice.

In addition on this format you have used, the second SUPER (45 years later, I think) is confusing. From the film's perspective is that 45 years after the beginning scene or the first SUPER? See my point?

You will need to really think how to introduce this time difference to the viewer without screwing up the script. Maybe have someone reference the plane crash on the news or something...

Okay, the Narrator... this has me scratching my scrawny head: Who is he? (Remember to keep character names consistent - the narrator has at-least two differing names...). It is problematic using a narrator, unless it is the lead character - take for example Bella in "Twilight", or Sarah in "The Terminator". Strong leads who you instantly recognize as the narrator, telling their story. Not knowing who yours is sort of leaves one empty and lost. Either the narrator is instantly an important character, or it just confuses the reader/viewer.

That's is the critique over. Overall the 20 pages I read are just the intro to the movie. But I can see why people have liked it. It has a good plot, intriguing characters, and is pretty well written actually.

Oh yes, about the opening plane scenes... I would suggest dropping the detail. I am sure that the level of detail you use is OTT. Sure, it may be factual. The Director probably wont care. He will want to make the movie using a plane he can afford, when and where he wants. So give up the detail and allow him the choice as to seat number and plane model. As a viewer it really wouldn't effect what I watch.

Pretty cool script though. I like it, and a great idea. Better get it finished.


Sadie : Sadie's life descends into a murderous hell. She's still not sure she did anything wrong.
Dee Dee : When desperate love destroys her life, only friendship can save her. Or can it?

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Dreamscale
Posted: September 3rd, 2011, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Layla, I tried to getting through your script, but I'm not going to make it.  I'm stopping on Page 20, and just for the record, I'll tell you why.

Incredibly slow, and way over detailed.  The last 12 pages are really dull.  The conversations go on forever, have huge blocks of dialogue, and nothing much is even said.  But more importantly, none of the dialogue sounds believable, especially the stuff between Stan and Rita and Stan and Frank.  I don't buy any of it, sorry to say.

Also, you have a shocking amount of asides going on, pretty much multiple times per page.  Asides are a pet peeve of mine and it really frustrates me reading these over and over.

Taking into account the level of detail (over description, and over writing in general) as well as the amount of asides (and even wrylies), it's obvious why this is reading so slowly...and why so little has gone on in 20 pages.  But, it's actually scary to think how long it would be if you broke up your big passage blocks correctly - I bet you'd have an extra page or 2 at least, meaning it's even more over written than it appears.

It doesn't help that this story and even genre just isn't for me.

So that's the deal.  Sorry I couldn't get through it, but it sounds like you've got 1 person (drnoblet) who's going to finish.

Take care Layla, and enjoy the long weekend.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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justwrite
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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Layla, your screenplay seems to have some potential, but I have to agree with everyone else... way too much description/action and dialogue.  I'm also new at Screenwriting, so maybe my opinion doesn't matter much.

Plenty of Movie scripts right here on this website you can read to get a general idea of what is accepted.  I also like to recommend Amazon.com, it has a wide variety of used and new books in reference to screenwriting.


"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
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