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I read this last time you had it up I think. I'm down with the overall concept, but think the middle execution is too goofy. I think having an exotic masseuse/dominatrix is cool, but once she has the gun and syringe that's just a little too unbelievable. You could make the same point just with cuffs and rope, and actually stay believable. That whole play back and forth was a bit forced. Other that that I liked the ending, and all the writing was good
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Thanks for the read and review... much appreciated! Yeah... this is a rewrite of a prior draft that was on the site quite some time ago.
I rewrote the script after meeting with a director here in Los Angeles who was interested in producing the film, but scheduling difficulties and a failure to wrangle up a suitable producer brought the project to a screeching halt.
To answer your question, she snips off a piece of her hair for two reasons:
#1) I wanted the audience to truly believe she was psycho. Snipping off a piece of hair is questionable behavior, and "questionable" is exactly how I wanted to portray her.
#2) She actually goes through quite a transformation in the bathroom, and although we only see her snip off one piece of hair, she emerges with an entire makeover, so one can only assume she did a bit more than just one snip. I wanted to leave something to the imagination of the reader / viewer.
I liked this one myself. Somethings at first were kind of confusing and left me wondering. Like jackx mentioned, the hair thing, the gun (I know, it wasn't loaded), and the syringe (of which I don't know what was in it considering this movie played out quickly). But, I understand that the lady was a red herring to throw people off, and you did a great job with that, but I didn't think the gun is necessary. This is just my opinion, I'm no expert. Overall I liked it, and would probably like it even more if I saw it. Hope you get it produced man, good luck to you.
I'm new so do not have much advanced advice or critique other than what I know. I loved the story and Rhonda, she was really well written and quirky. I got her little quirks and nuances - she hears something, takes aim in the mirror, takes a deep breath - lovely touches. Your descriptions are fantastic and really put me in the scene. Just a couple of questions/observations (for what it's worth):
(SPOILERS)
He has a dead body in his lounge. Would he answer the door while getting to the bottom of things? The mobster on the doorstep with one hand under his jacket. I think Lenny (already paranoid) would have perhaps acted in a way other than greet the stranger? The 669/66 Lookout Lane address. Was Lenny the intended target? He is a mobster who owes Dominic. Quite a coincidence if the twist is that the assassin has the wrong address.
Great screenplay. Needs a prequel with more Rhonda!
This is great fun. You got a couple of real belly laughs from me. The pacing is spot on. What you've done very successfully is handle the fine balance between comedy and some kind of hybrid drama/horror. That's difficult but I think you did it. To carry some of the post kill dialogue, you need to have set a believable tone, which you have done, IMO. The ending is fitting and funny.
Have to say I'm not surprised there's interest in getting this shot. It could be made into something very quirky and cool.
when i first read the logline, i was reminded of the chuck palahniuk story entitled "Footwork." Check it out. I think you'll really dig it.
overall, this one was really well written. very entertaining and quite enjoyable. it flowed nicely too.
the ending was okay for me. definitely saw it coming. i would also remove the bit where rhonda tells lenny to "shut the fuck up" simply because lenny doesnt reply. he's a mobster. he's going to retort in some fashion.
Had a quick read and agree with the others this has a nice pace and feel to it.
Like others I was left with a few questions
SPOILERS
I wasn't sure why she turns up as one thing and becomes another? Most in that trade don't seem to hide it and that was the purpose of her visit. Maybe it was to confuse the image so we didn't know, but if she was dressed up, and then produced the equipment, surely the same affect would apply?
I didn't get the end although I have a feeling for what was the intention, just not that clear.
Otherwise it was fun and all the best with this. Cheers RD
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
It had a good pace and was well written for the most part.
It took a wrong turn toward the end and it just didn't seem to make sense. Was it bad luck that had a hitman come and shoot him at the end? It seemed rushed.
Wow! I'm glad to see the overall enjoyment of the script! It all began in MoviePoet.com's contest "Deadly is the Female," and has undergone a multitude of rewrites since.
Update:
I'm pleased to announce that "Rubbed Out" has been picked up by a talented film student and is slated for production within the coming weeks. He has already cast the role of "Rhonda," and I'm very pleased with his selection. Will keep you all posted. Thanks so much for the support!