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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Living With Joban Moderators: bert
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  Author    Living With Joban  (currently 2158 views)
Don
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Living With Joban by Anthony Lando (a2n2t) - Short, Comedy - How would you deal with the every day life of living with someone as stupid as this? 12 pages - pdf, format


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albinopenguin
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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how would you deal with the every day life of reading scripts as mundane as this?

okay enough fooling around. i think i've read some of your stuff before Anthony. If memory serves me right, this is leaps and bounds better than what you've previously written. so theres the positive.

on the flip side, this one didnt work for me. the opening was lackluster and borderline cliche. never never never open with someone hitting their alarm clock. its cliche. plus theres no need for the camera angles at the beginning (which, for some reason stop after the first page). if you're going to write something incorrectly, wouldnt it be continuously incorrect? but never mind.

this script is riddled with spelling/grammar mistakes. the characters aren't developed and the dialogue isnt funny. i smirked when i read the bit about the tackle box.

i have a question about the ending. why did Lenny go on a jog? wasnt he supposed to go to the family reunion? the jog is about as random as a football catch in the midst of taking wedding pictures. cheep cheep cheep cheep!

sorry i couldnt be more positive. as previously discussed, your writing HAS improved, so that's a good sign. and if you advance your next script as much as you did with this one, you'll probably be writing an oscar winner in the near future.

youre getting the hang of proper formatting. it still needs some work, but you're improving. now try to integrate a captivating story.



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albinopenguin  -  August 29th, 2011, 4:20pm
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A2n2t
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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This script was going to be used while filming as reference, so the angles and fades that are in the script are the ones i wanted to keep in the final product and they stop because i was more relaxed on which camera angles and fades to use by the end.

Now onto your peice of "constructive" criticism shall we?

Why is opening with a clich'e bad writing? If anything it ensures the audience is comfortable veiwing something familiar that works and conveys the messege properly. Lenny is tidy and organised, Joban is messy and disorganised. How would you have done it differently inside a window of, lets say, 30 seconds. this is a short film and to convey character habits and personalities within the small time you are permitted is harder than you think. Clich'es work and i dont feel this clich'e was too over the top, maybe you just have a thing with clich'es.

The script is "riddle" with spelling/grammer mistakes is it? I don't think it is. Its written with celtx so i know formatting isn't an issue, it's been spell checked twice and rewritten once. If you have noticed any spelling or grammatical errors then instead of just saying there are some how about giving some examples of them....constructively criticise my work rather than state so called facts.

Now the Jog that JOBAN goes on, not Lenny. This is the more unbelievably stupid trait Joban shows. Lennys wanted to still go to the party but he didn't want to got with Joban after all this so he distracts him with his "routine" jog so he can drive away alone. This is implied not shown however and the ending is supposed to be left ambiguous.

Lenny and Joban were writtien with the actors in mind and the script was written as more of a guideline of direction. Considering that there is a little more dialogue than action headings, the acting is going to be a big part of the comedic drive for this short so i feel you aren't giving it enough credit.

I appreciate you're points AP but when you decide to give criticism try to be a bit more constructive and prove your points rather than just say;

"theres something wrong with it. fix it. i expect you to know exactly what im talking about and how to go about it"

i know you were not as cut and dry as that but still, wasnt far off it.

anyway i hope i didnt sound offensive or anything i just thought i needed to give you another side of what you were writing.

thanks AP for being one of the only people to post anything, atleast you took the effort.


"Well Bob, I'm a pone tony. Got my dillies on the peppy tang"
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, Anthony, but the actual writing is very poor.  Grammatically, it's abysmal.  I don't know about spelling errors, cause I had to give up before Page 2.  Nothing going down...nothing new...nothing remotely interesting.

If you want reads and feedback, you need to do the same up front.  With a total of 8 posts, you shouldn't be expecting much, if anything.  Quid Pro Quo, bro.

Be thankful Will even read and commented on your script.  It's far from well written, and if you don't know that, you have alot to learn, my friend.

Sorry to be harsh, but your rebuttal rubbed me the wrong way.

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albinopenguin  -  August 29th, 2011, 9:48pm
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mcornetto
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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What the guy above is saying, only very rudely, is that the writing in the script can be improved upon.  Your choice of words - for a reader - should be more active.  Such as,  instead of using 'is' so much choose a different verb and make it more dynamic even give it more colour.  

A casually dressed LENNY (20’s) is eating a sandwich

becomes

A casually dressed LENNY (20's) munches a sandwich  (or you could even use eats).

None of this really matters if you are shooting the script yourself - but if does matter if you expect criticism.  Why?  Because other people have to read the script to make comments and those other people have expectations based on grammar and format.  For example, we expect spec scripts here - that means no camera angles.  Everyone is going to mention them because they aren't supposed to be there from our point of view.    

Also, generally on Simply Scripts people expect that you will be reading and commenting on their shorts as well.  It's not mandatory but you'll end up getting more reads if people see you active on the boards.  Not to mention that you'll learn stuff about telling a story through the medium of screenplays as well.  

  

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A2n2t
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Couldn't have asked for a better answer Michael, which is what i was trying to explain in my response to the rudeness i felt in the other answer.

I know its not the best script, i have no training what so ever, formal or informal, so i expect CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

Not the rude OPINIONS of others.

I have 8 post in total because i only respond to the scripts i feel i can be constructive with, im not hear to chat and make friends. im here to learn and create, if friends come after than its a bonus.

once again thank you Michael for your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, its a breathe of fresh air.


"Well Bob, I'm a pone tony. Got my dillies on the peppy tang"
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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And with that, a new wonderful friendship and bond has been created.  Very sweet.

Anthony, let me say this again in another way...why do you expect people to spend their free time critiquing your script and helping you when you don't do the same for others?  Are you remotely aware that reading and providing critique...even on a short script, takes close to an hour of one's free time?

Dude, take what you get and be damn thankful.  Will gave you feedback.  Whether or not it was exactly what you were looking for or was as detailed as you were hoping for, isn't the issue here.  You were extremely rude in your response and other than Mr. Cornetto, I doubt you'll be making and friends, but since that's not what you're after, you could just be golden.
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albinopenguin
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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like Dreamscale, your response has rubbed me the wrong way as well. just reread your reply to my post. it's full of grammatical errors in and of itself. for example, your first sentence is a run on sentence. You missed the "-ed" at the end of "riddled." And then there's this sentence:

"Lennys wanted to still go to the party but he didn't want to got with Joban after all this so he distracts him with his "routine" jog so he can drive away alone."

what in god's green earth does this mean? now granted, you could pull apart my posts and find multiple imperfections with them. however, i'm consciously aware of these mistakes and proof read my scripts again and again and again to make sure they're as close to perfect as possible. while reading your script, you forgot to put "-ed" at the end of your words and confused the words "you're" and "your." this is 3rd grade English my friend. the ONLY reason i'm picking apart your posts/short is because you don't have as firm as a grasp on the English language as you think you do. these are YOUR mistakes, not mine. furthermore, they're so trivial that most posters won't correct them for you (because you're intelligent enough to fix them on your own). when i read your script, i could tell you didn't proof read it. and that tells me you're lazy. if you did, then you didn't proof read well enough. so show some bloody respect for the reader and do your part.

BUT I'm willing to let all of these spelling/grammar mistakes go. in fact, many times i will ignore these mistakes if the story, characters, and dialogue are well developed. just look at my recent post history. 9 times out of 10, i begin my posts with "grammar/spelling issues aside...."

but therein lies the problem. what's wrong with using cliches? are you kidding me?! as a writer, you're supposed to use those cliches to your advantage. and this doesn't mean employing them. it means knowing what the audience expects to happen and delivering something to the contrary. don't write cliches...write against them. and there are PLENTY of other ways to communicate personality traits rather than having your character hit the snooze button on the clock. its called "creativity." if you have nothing new to offer, then don't write it. you want your characters to be unique and personalized, not cardboard cut outs from other movies you've seen. now that i think about it, did you write "Battle Los Angeles?"

for someone that's only written 8 posts on the boards, I do not appreciate your comments. i took 30 minutes out of my day to read and reply to your script and what do i get in return? bitching and moaning. and i was trying REALLY hard to be nice. i could have ripped it to shreds like most other posters, but instead i commented on how far you've come as a writer. but apparently that went over your head as well.

until your attitude to criticism improves, i will no longer read your scripts. and please, don't bother reading mine.


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A2n2t
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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the post you just wrote was a perfect example of contructive criticism which is all i had asked for from the beginning. This site is made for this reason alone.

i didnt bitch and moan, i was just stating that your criticism pointed out what was wrong rather than ALSO how to make the story better.

if you look at all my recent posts you will see that i do this rather than just say "this is wrong, thats wrong"

and ill quote my first post "I appreciate you're points AP but when you decide to give criticism try to be a bit more constructive"

you dont have to know how to write a perfect script to know how to give criticism properly

No need to go and block out my scripts because im voicing my opinion.

i have read your scripts and enjoy most of them, dont know why you have to turn my words around and call them rude, which they were not. i was just expecting help not opinions.







"Well Bob, I'm a pone tony. Got my dillies on the peppy tang"
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albinopenguin
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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if you wanted me to elaborate, all you had to do was ask. but that's not how you replied. instead you were argumentative and defensive. i'm not going to write your story for you and I'm definitely NOT going to proof read your script for errors. perhaps if you proof read mine, i would return the favor. but you've only posted 10 times now. you haven't earned it. proof reading a script for spelling/grammar mistakes would take at least an hour.

funny how you contradict yourself in your last two lines of your latest post. you say you're voicing your opinion and then say that you're expecting help, not opinions. so you're allowed to have an opinion and I'm not?

lets just agree to disagree and let others comment on your short. i stand by my comments.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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Anthony, and everyone else who reads this - check your posts and "feedback" you've provided and seriously ask yourself this question - based on what you've provided in feedback, why in the fuck would anyone want to give you deep, time spent feedback?  Seriously?  WTF is wrong with you?

This is the kind of shit that really pisses me off.  You guys want to delete me or ban me, fucking go for it.  This is horseshit in the first degree!
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TheSecond
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Damn, and I thought I rubbed folks the wrong way!!  
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mcornetto
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I didn't think you were being problematic at all in your first response.  You might have disagreed about the spelling errors but I can understand that because that's why I looked at the script and no spelling errors caught my eye. So, it can't have been that badly spelled.

Also, you did thank the reader and stated you weren't trying to offend them by disagreeing.  The fact that anyone got upset about how you replied is IMHO an overreaction.   Best not to feed those over-reactors by replying in anger to their posts and wait to respond again once you get some actual crit.  Just my advice.

In the meanwhile, read some scripts.  I can't stress enough how important it is to read other scripts...Read something by The Second, he deserves some attention.  

  
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ajr
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Can I ask a question? If the script is supposed to be a guideline for specific actors and you intend to film it yourself, then why post it on a peer review site where quid pro quo reads are the norm?

This site is about ingratiating yourself into the culture - learning how to write by giving reads and exchanging reviews, and once and a while participating in writing challenges.

Do you intend to do any of that?


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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