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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Puncture Wounds Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Puncture Wounds by Tim Wolfe - Short, Horror - Events spiral out of control as a young man is interrogated for a grisly murder. 10 pages - pdf, format


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TheCrippledParakeet
Posted: August 30th, 2011, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys. I haven't been on the boards in awhile but I found this old script that I wrote about three years ago and wanted some outside perspective on it. Hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: August 31st, 2011, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Hello Tim,

Welcome to the boards.
The best way to get good critiques here is to give some yourself.
Be sure to read contributing members' scripts.
You're much more likely to get feedback from active members.
If you demonstrate a willingness to read, people will return the gesture.

As to your script, I wasn't intending to read it, but you drew me in.
I didn't understand it, but you kept me reading.
The imagery was stark, albeit repetitive, could probably trim some of it out.
The big format no-no I saw was going into dialogue right after a new slug.
An action description always sets the scene prior to dialogue.

The lack of names and physical descriptions held you back some too.
What they were doing was interesting and visual.
But, I had no idea what they looked like and I didn't care what happened to anyone.
Still, I read all the way through, you have a decent flare for keeping interest.

If you tune up your skills and practice more, I'd be interested to see the result.

Best of luck, hope this helps and we see you around the boards.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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TheSecond
Posted: August 31st, 2011, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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The surface is home to the mindless. Go deep.

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Isn't there a rule about no vampire stories on ss?  Or is DreamScale just f-ing with me?
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TheCrippledParakeet
Posted: August 31st, 2011, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Electric, for reading. Yeah, it was written about three or four years ago. My friend asked me to write something for a horror film festival so I wrote this, but he ended up not liking it and we didn't do it.

I was writing it with more of an eye towards the directorial aspect of filmmaking -- creating mood, creepy SFX, quick editing. To be honest, I didn't put much thought into the story. And to be completely honest, I was writing it stream of conscious and didn't really know what it was about.

As for not allowing vampire scripts on here, I don't really like vampire scripts personally. But like I said I wrote this completely offhand and didn't intend for it to be a vampire story when I started it. But oh well.

Also, I agree that it's a good idea to give feedback if you want feedback in return, but whenever I read scripts on this site they're usually from people who don't even know how to spell or format correctly, and most of the time the scripts are overly long and cliched and it just bums me out.

Of course I'm not speaking of you personally, you seem like an intelligent person whose scripts I might genuinely enjoy reading, but it seems like finding a needle in a haystack sometimes to read a good script on here.

And please don't think I'm being condescending when I say that, because I don't really look at my own scripts any differently. As soon as I write them I usually read them once, get sick of them and put them aside. I only write scripts because I'm not smart enough to write novels, and my lack of intelligence usually shines through on the scripts I do complete.

That's why I put a short on here instead of one of my features, because I figure if I'm gonna waste your time, better to make it 3 minutes instead of an hour.

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Electric, for reading. Yeah, it was written about three or four years ago. My friend asked me to write something for a horror film festival so I wrote this, but he ended up not liking it and we didn't do it.

That's why I put a short on here instead of one of my features, because I figure if I'm gonna waste your time, better to make it 3 minutes instead of an hour.



Tim,

I don't feel you wasted my time. At all.
Keep posting, reading, writing and rewriting; if you love screenwriting.
I'll keep an eye out for your work.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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TheSecond
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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I'm just kidding dude.  I agree with ed on the imagery, it was quite vivid.  Outside of that, there wasn't a lot to keep my attention, but hey, this was 4 years ago.  What have you done lately?
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim, gave this a read.  Here're my thoughts.

I have to agree with Brett in almost everything he said.

You have an interesting style, but I'm sorry to say it's not a style I can stomach very well.  It may look impressive on the page, but it's the kind of writing that doesn't go anywhere, doesn't say anything, and definitely doesn't mean anything.  But then again, I can't stand reading Shane Black's writing, either, so go figure.

There's no story here...or if there is, it makes no sense as written.

There aren't any characters here - no one has a name, no one has a description.  They could easily all be one and the same person, or none of them could be real, for all I know.

The read is very quick, but that's cause there's very little actually here, and what is here is the same thing over and over again.

You have heavily attempted to direct your shots here, and that's something else I'm very much against in a Spec Script.  The way you wrote the Interrogator's dialogue as (O.S.) is a big pet peeve of mine, as he's right there in the scene (in theory, at least).  You tripped up, though, as on Page 4, you write, "The interrogator tosses a plastic evidence bag to the young man." - which seems to "show" the Interrogator throwing the bag to the man.  But then on Page 5, you write, "The still unseen interrogator pushes the hanging lamp back and forth, intermittently lighting the young man’s frightened face."  And then, "The Interrogator laughs manically."  Then, on Page 7, you finally show The Interrogator's face, and have him "lunge" at the other guy and kill him.  Problem is that you never  properly intro'd him with CAPS, anywhere.

So, listen...it appears you can write, but IMO, you attempted way too much, with way too little a story.  I'd like to see a script from you that actually has a story, with visuals we can follow, characters we can see and picture, narrative that makes sense.

Hope to see you around the boards, man.  Take care.
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scmower
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim, I liked the visuals and immagery that you conjured up in the script.

Unfortunately though there was a lot in this script I just didn't understand. Are the man in the mirror and the young man in the interrogation room the same person? I thought they were but they both died in the end under different circumstances. Also I have no idea what you were really going for on the running man and the typing man. So in terms of story I can't say it really made sense for me.

In terms of formatting, there weren't any major issues, and any there were have already been covered by the others (trying to keep my points new).

So not a bad script, but I just didn't understand it.  But then again you said it was 3 years ago, so I'm sure your scripts now are better.


Scripts on this site:
The Black Dog (Short/Horror)
Howl (Short/Horror/Thriller)
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TheCrippledParakeet
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much, guys. Nice to get some constructive criticism. With the exception of a few brutally honest friends, usually the ones I give my scripts to are biased towards positive comments. It used to make me feel good, now it just annoys me. So thanks for the honesty.

I've written 9 feature length scripts. And none of them are written the way this script was written. Usually I obsess over every sentence and punctuation mark, whereas with this I just wrote it in a half hour without thinking too in depth about it. Horror isn't my genre either, so I was kind of out of my element with this one.

The only feature length script I have on the site is a dark comedy called "Belfry" that I wrote with a friend of mine. I posted it over a year ago and a few people read the first 20 pages and responded very favorably, but beyond that we haven't actually gotten a full review of it. If any of you are interested, feel free to check it out. It's located in the comedy section.

Thanks for helping me out, everyone.

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TheCrippledParakeet  -  September 1st, 2011, 4:08pm
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silentalibi
Posted: September 6th, 2011, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

(Here goes my first post!)

Everyone's already mentioned everything I thought, so there's little point in me adding more of the same opinion... But here it is regardless:

Yes, it did hold my interest for the 10 pages, can't say the same for a lot of the stuff on here!

Yes, it was quite confusing, though I understand this is definitely a very visual, fast-paced film.

And no, I didn't feel anything for any of the victims, it seemed more like a trailer than a complete story. The "small dick" line seemed a little trite.

I could definitely picture a lot of it, which is good! Would be interesting to see it filmed, as I suspect it would be over in around 5 or 6 minutes.
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Inquiringmind
Posted: September 7th, 2011, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tim, read your script. My first impressions weren't good, but by the mid point of the story I was engaged in the action. I thought it was leading to something but then you literally killed it. There was no closure, no connection to the scenes, just random violence then an ending.  

"TYPING MAN
I can’t write when I’m weak... I
can’t write when I’m weak... I
can’t write when I’m weak... I
can’t write when I’m weak..."

What does this even mean? It seems like a random thing to say and do. Make a connection. Is he weak because he is drained from blood loss? He claims he can't write when he's weak but that's exactly what he's doing repeatedly.

I didn't like this part.

"EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
The wind howls. Ominous. Shrill. Rapid pattering of footsteps
crunching twigs. A MAN panting.
YOUNG MAN (V.O.)
I didn’t kill him. I don’t know
much... but I know that much."

He didn't kill "him". Is him suppose to be a vampire?

" A YOUNG MAN seated at a table in a windowless room. A hanging
lamp dangles over his head, spotlighting him in yellow. He
smiles arrogantly at the unseen interrogator.
YOUNG MAN
And what would my motive be?
INTERROGATOR (O.S.)
Money.
YOUNG MAN
Money? Don’t insult me. Do you know
how rich my parents are?"


The interrogator is a vampire, but why is interrogating the young man? Is it a trap?

The biggest problem I have with this script is the loose ends. You left too many of them at the end. I would have connected the scenes. It makes their purpose seem believable instead of random.

You have something to build on if you choose to rewrite this.


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TheCrippledParakeet
Posted: September 13th, 2011, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, guys. Yeah, I know it's really confusing and doesn't tie together very well. But I was trying to tell the story visually rather than through a lot of dialogue. I wrote it in an hour because my friend wanted a script to film for a horror contest and asked me to come up with something. It isn't my genre and I didn't really have an idea of where the story was going when I started writing it, so that's why it feels disjointed and unresolved.

I put it away for a long time after my friend decided he didn't want to film it, and then I went back and read it through and I got the feeling like it really wasn't about vampires at all. I started thinking that maybe it's about being consumed by madness and not knowing how to control yourself once you've crossed that line. In my head, each character was the same person. The guy at the typewriter was the same guy running through the woods, the same guy in the bathroom and the interrogation room, etc. And maybe the interrogator was this guy also, but the conscience of this guy, breaking him down and trying to get him to admit to himself that he is a monster. And then at the end he has no choice but to accept that he IS a monster, and at that point the interrogator (his conscience) consumes him, and at that same time all these characters meet their ends because he's finally embracing his madness.

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TheCrippledParakeet
Posted: September 13th, 2011, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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By the way, as much as I enjoyed TheTimmyHendricksExperience username, I didn't enjoy that everyone started calling me Timmy because of it, so I changed it.

Now people can call me Crippled.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 29th, 2011, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Badass script.

I love your writing style. This would be played out handsomely on film. Everything flowed so well here but the only problem for me was that I was confused the way through.

I couldn't really get a grip on who the characters were. I didn't know anything about them except Mirror Man, Young man and Typing man. They were the same people to me and I didn't care much for what happened to them.

But still, a very enjoyable and fast read. Keep on writing  
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