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Ok, my first reaction was WTF! I know there's a suspension of disbelief in movies, but come on! Ok, the twist at the end was a tad endearing, but I would seriously consider reworking the front end of this thing. Let the romance play out a tad bit... Not too bad, but not too good.
This short was a little to unbelievable. The woman be picks up just knows personal details about him by reading his body language? Had a hard time understanding that part, just seemed like a quick way to add dimension, and it seemed pretty cheap. Overall it was well written, it flowed nice, but the story was just Meh for me. Keep doing it big.
Sorry to say this, but the writing and execution here is terrible. The dialogue completely unrealistic. I wish I could put it nicer, but I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat anything here.
Story-wise, it’s a mess as well…up until the very end, when you turn this into a ghost love story, which isn’t half bad, IMO. It’s just that the execution is so bad, there’s no saving grace, when the saving grace materializes.
I think you need to read a lot of scripts. Do some research on writing in general, sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, etc. Read your dialogue out loud and listen how it sounds. Read it aloud with another person and see if you think it sounds remotely believable.
I know this comes across as harsh, and I’m sorry about that. I do say all this in hopes of helping and enlightening. Take care.
A blank title page with “Screenplay” as the title is a bad omen.
Page 1 - The opening is weak. We’re in an INT. scene, inside a car, yet the description refers to EXT things and action. This is a problem I see quite often and I just don’t get it. It’s worse after the V.O.
V.O.’s are tricky to get away with and this one here is a cheese factory waiting to open – aka, not working, not good.
Look at your last passage here – “He sees the young woman still waving at him by her car. He can see her silhouette as a backdrop to her own car headlights.” – Why would you want to start this with “He sees”? And then, why would you want to start the very next sentence with “He can see”? Both sentences are poorly structured and awkward.
Why don’t we have any ages for our 2 lovers?
Page 2 – Dialogue exchange is about as wooden as it can get.
It’s raining now? I thought it was Winter and it was snowing?
“Michael suddenly embarrassed finally turns loose of her hand.” –Sorry, but this is a good example of how not to write a sentence. Couldn’t get much more awkward. Missing punctuation. Poorly constructed. Flat out horrible.
Page 3 – Now it’s snowing harder. So, it’s raining and snowing?
“Michael says through his tears, his face buried in her neck.” – HUH? What is a line like this doing in a script? Marvin, c’mon, man, this is a script, not a novel. When characters speak, they obviously speak through the use of a dialogue box. You don’t use action/description lines to tell us someone speaks. Screenwriting 101…or maybe just 01.
HUH? She’s kissing him on the cheek in his late model car, as he drives through the snow and/or rain, on that slick rural highway? Damn…star crossed lovers!
Page 4 – Marvin, you’re killing me, man. They enter the house and he immediately has to start picking up paper and clothes? Like he’s got shit just strewn around his entire house? WTF’s up with that? Does he just strip off his clothes as he comes inside and leaves them lying around? Does he crumple up paper and throw it around for the Hell of it?
WOW, gotta quote this line from Constance, as it’s a classic, or hopefully, soon to be classic – “I love your place... Cleaning house is woman’s work... I’ll take care of it later...don’t worry.” – I can see how Michael has fallen in love instantly with Constance. She’s a real wet dream. EDIT NOTE AFTER FINISHING – Damn, Constance lied, like most women…way too good to be true. She didn’t clean up anything! She just drank his coffee, ate his food, banged him for a second or two, fell asleep with him, morphed into his dead wife, and disappeared into thin air. Typical 1 night stand!!!
Page 5 – “They make love and fall asleep in each others arms.” – Missing an apostrophe in others. But, the funny thing here is that based on what you wrote, you do realize this is a sex scene, right? But, since you only wrote it out at 1 line (in a new scene, even), we’re talking about like 1 second of film. So, they “quickly” make love, and then instantly fall asleep in each other’s arms. Maybe this scene should just be shot in super fast speed, like 30X regular speed? Sorry, I didn’t sleep well, and have been up since 5:00 AM. I’m a little loopy, I think.
at first i wasnt a fan of this. but then i thought about and liked it more and more as time went by.
here's the deal. i think you have an interesting concept that was poorly executed. follow jeff's advice for sure. the whole ordeal needs to be a bit more realistic. furthermore you have several conflicts within the script, that you dont really address. for example, constance is way too eager to go over michael's place and michael is all too quick to let her in. remove the line "cleaning house is woman's work" because you'll instantly lose any females in the audience. the whole "you work at century 21" is kind of creepy. i get what you're trying to do, but apply it to something else (you could even apply it to his career. like "I'm a...." "real estate agent"). something like that is much more believable. lastly, and this is a big one, wouldn't michael's wife be pissed off that he slept with an almost complete stranger? she's almost encouraging him to do so. yes, most people would say that they want their significant other to move on, but no one would want them to see them actually do it (literally).
so my overall advice? think more logically. it will fix your dialogue and make the script easier to believe.
I liked this script as an idea - and in fact have had a similiar concept that I sent in as my first effort (before reading this). Anyhoo - it's a nice little story but felt rushed towards the end and the character's actions a little forced. Very sweet though.
I found this to be pretty unrealistic and corny, Marv.
SPOILER SPACE
Michael got over his wife's death if he's banging strangers he meets on the road. It's hard to believe otherwise.
END SPOILER SPACE
This script was just so... rushed. This is part of the reason it was so unbelievable to me. There was no suspense because everything happened so quickly.
Not terrible, but not good either. Your concept is better than your execution.
As others have mentioned, the pacing—or lack thereof—is what kills this thing. The script, as it is now, feels like a beginning and an ending with no buildup to connect them. It’s just a sequence of very forced, very rushed events leading to an otherwise decent climax.
Like Phil said, this script needs to grow. You could even turn this into a feature if you mulled the idea around long enough. What if Michael anticipates meeting a woman on the anniversary of his wife’s death, year after year, knowing it’s her spirit inside? What if he meets the wrong woman and falls in love?
I think this one is worth the trouble going back to and starting over.
Marv! You don't suck dude. Truly. The idea is genuine and good. Capitalize on that through as many re-writes as you can personally tolerate. Its like carving a statue out of marble. You know what the statue is going to look like when its done, but you have to hammer, chisel, and carve your way to it first. Keep chiseling!!! We can see what you're going for, but its not quite there yet. Again, you don't suck.
It starts off as soft core porn and then ends as an Unsolved Mysteries episode. I hear Robert Stack doing the voice over.
I agree with most of what has already been said. Dreamscale has given me a lot of good advice so don't be discouraged by his direct approach.
I'd have Michael and Constance meet in the beginning at a gas station. Their eyes meet and there is something familiar about her. Maybe some dialogue is exchanged. That way when they meet just down the road, you've already established there's some attraction.
You may also want to click on the Title Page tab at the bottom of the Celtx screen and fill it out. Unless of course the name of your screenplay actually is, "screenplay".
The Second, thanks for saying I don't suck. That's something I guess and it is true I rushed through this too quickly to get it done from the short story and it missed the mark. I will chisel on it as you say.
Nomad, thanks for giving it a read and I appreciated your suggestions. Marvin.
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