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One More Day by Darren James Tomalin (darrenjames) - Short - Tim is an old man. Simone takes him back to his past and the love he lost. pdf, 12 pages. - pdf, format
I am in England so there are some British terms that i've used that readers from other countries might not be familiar with. I welcome constructive criticism as this is my first ever script and would obviously love some pointers.
Since I submitted this I have become aware of an overuse of 'ing' words and (beats). Also that I could create copyright problems by naming a song that is heard in one scene. The song is important to the story though (lyrically).
It wasn't bad. The story was a bit cliche but it worked. You can probably work this into an excellent little producible script as you learn a bit more about screenwriting.
First. I would work on the dialogue. While it told the story there was a bit too much of it and it didn't 'pop'. What I mean here is very difficult to explain but if you read a script that has good dialogue it kind of pops off the page. Read something by Tarantino and you'll see what I mean. You should edit your dialogue down to it's essence and then try to say the same thing but not quite directly. Dialogue is very difficult and it might take you a bit to get it - even people who do it well spend a lot of time on their dialogue.
Second there's a bit of an issue with the verbs you're choosing. You want to keep things very active. Get rid of 'is' and 'are' and replace them with something more meaningful.
To show you what I mean here's an example of how I might rewrite your opening page.
FADE IN:
EXT. SEAFRONT BENCH - DAY
TIM(80, looks 60, spectacles, well dressed) sits on a bench. A bag of groceries slump at his feet, a walking stick by his side.
Tim looks out to sea then over to the next bench. A happy couple sits there, obviously in love.
He looks the other way and sees an old couple with linked arms out for a stroll.
Tim lowers his head with sudden sadness then wearily rises from his seat.
EXT. BUSY HIGH STREET
The sidewalks are crowded.
Tim walks past a group of teenagers that sit on a low wall. They laugh. Tim keeps his eyes on the floor, picks up his pace.
Tim reaches a greasy spoon café. The sign says: “DONNA'S”
INT. DONNA'S CAFÉ
It's filled with customers.
Through the window an ambulance drives past at speed, its SIREN and emergency lights are on.
Tim spots SIMONE (25, slim, pretty, in a hoodie). She reads a magazine. Tim's eyes go wide and shocked. He recognizes her.
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY - 1950
A BEAUTIFUL GIRL (20, summer dress, long hair) smiles and laughs while she stares o.s. The bright sunlight shrouds her, masks her face.
BACK TO PRESENT
INT. DONNA'S CAFÉ - DAY
Simone senses Tim’s gaze. She looks up from the magazine and smiles.
New here myself. I enjoyed the read. Michael has given you some good advice above. As I read It I was also struck my the length of dialogue. It is always a challenge to keep it focused and punchy but that's what it has to be. I also have to remind myself to use visual elements not dialogue for enlightening the story and moving it along. That remains work in progress.
In you story I liked the nature of the reveals, slow and building. It didn't twig at first although I wondered where the siren was going to come in.
To make this more than pleasant I wonder whether there needs to be a strong WHY she wants another day. Won't they be together for ever now? Was there a reason on the pier. Something to be said? Will he go on somewhere she doesn't? Were there others? Children, maybe lost ones? Just thoughts, but I suppose it could have an end with punch and warmth.
I haven't posted yet, although entered the OWC. Hope to exchange some reviews. All the best.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Michael: I see what you mean. I think I got caught up in trying to get this guys feelings across. Less is deffinitely more! Loved the rewrite and I will take that onboard!. The verb problem is probably what caused me to use a lot of "ing" words!
Reef Dreamer: Excellent thoughts about the WHY. I've thought of stretching it out into feature length (as and when I crack the dialogue issues) and having Tim pretty much tell his life story with meaningful flashbacks (influenced by Forrest Gump I suppose!) leading up to the reveal and who Simone is. That would give plenty of screen time to forge more of a connection between them and answer the " Why". I was going for a more ambiguous idea of the afterlife. She hints to being away for a long time and how everything has changed. The concept of a loved one easing you in.
Page 1 - You don’t actually number Page 1. Start with “2” on page 2.
Your “FADE IN:” needs to be left justified - It looks terrible centered the way it is.
Your opening Slug is not good. A high level of detail in Slugs is great and appreciated, but in this case, it’s really way too limited and kind of humorous, actually (and I don’t intend that in a mean way, either). I mean, you’re using “SEAFRONT BENCH” as your Slug. It’s like using “CHAIR IN FRONT OF FIRE”, or “SOFA IN FRONT OF TV”. Your 2nd and 3rd passages include action away from this 1 bench. Where are we, exactly? Are we on a beach? In a park? I don’t really relate to “seafront”, but use wherever this scene takes place as your Slug.
Your opening passage (all 3 sentences) are very awkwardly phrased and not a good way to get out of the gate. Start your sentences with your subject until you possess the ability to write more complex sentences that read well . As others have already mentioned, you want to try and stay away from passive writing, which consists of using “is” followed by a verb ending in “ing”. The third “sentence” really isn’t even a complete thought and should be combined with the 2nd sentence…but there are other, better ways to get this all across as well.
Only use all CAPS on your characters when they’re first intro’d – You have “TIM” in both the 1st and 2nd passage.
Your next 2 passages are rather awkward, as well. I see Michael already rewrote Page 1 for you, so I won’t go any further here, but IMO, what Michael wrote also has issues, but I’m sure he did it quickly, based on your prose.
The passage starting with “Tim spots Simone…” is very awkward.
When you use a Flashback, and a “RETURN TO SCENE (or PRESENT, as you have here), you don’t need to rewrite your Slug, cause you’re already in it and the “RETURN” tells us we’re back wherever we were before the Flashback began.
Simone’s first line is odd and I can’t picture how this plays out. It most likely goes back to that line I quoted above, “Tim spots Simone…”. See, you didn’t set this scene properly. We don’t know where Tim is. We don’t know where Simone is, and we don’t have a clue what their proximity to each other is.
Page 2 - The dialogue between Tim and Simone is very unrealistic, very wooden, and just not working.
It’s very rare that you see semi colons in scripts. I personally feel they have no place in a script.
What follows the semi colon is an “aside”. You’ll find some that enjoy asides, you’ll see Pros using them frequently at times, but I personally detest them, as they are a waste of space, almost always an unfilmable, and something that totally takes me out of the read, as asides are cases where the writer just decides to tell us something. You’ll have to develop your own opinion of asides, but you need to understand what they are and why they do or don’t work.
Since you have decided to name “Janet the waitress” (and there’s nothing at all wrong with that), you need to CAP her name when she’s first intro’d, which you didn’t.
“Janet the waitress carries two plates of food past Tim's table.” – OK, check this out. A couple things here that you may not be aware of. First of all, this sentence contains what’s known as an “orphan”. An orphan is a single word that falls on its own line, thus, “wasting” an entire line. The usual cause of the little fellas is overwriting or simply including info that isn’t necessary. In this case, it’s “two plates of food”. Or, at a minimum, it’s “of food”. You’ll find that if you look closely, it’s rather easy to spot words and phrases that don’t need to be included.
You’ve used a wrylie here “(to Janet)”, which is not technically wrong, but IMO, it’s unnecessary and maybe even out of place and odd, as your previous line states that Janet walks past Tim with the food, so basically, here, he’s calling after her, which isn’t gonna fly – of course she’s going to ignore him, if she even heard him in the first place. Know what I’m saying?
Then you have Simone speaking “(O.S.)”, which is a form of directing that you don’t want to get in the hang of. Simone is right here in the scene. There’s no reason for you to tell your readers and director, that the shot does not include her. See what I’m saying? Also, you need a comma between “place” and “huh”, otherwise the question doesn’t make sense.
Now, it’s very odd that Simone would just sit down with Tim here, when she’s already got her own table, and I’d assume she’s eating. The dialogue between them is also completely unbelievable and again, very wooden. Michael already gave you some tips on writing dialogue, but IMO, advising a new writer to try and emulate Quentin Tarantino’s dialogue isn’t going to help…at all. Also, making your dialogue “pop” may be good advice, but in reality, all you need to do for starters, is make it come off remotely believable. Small steps. IMO, your real problem here with the dialogue is the fact that the scenes are set so poorly and unbelievably. It’s tough to write realistic dialogue that pops when the setup is so rough. Now, based on your use of a Flashback and the line about an ambulance going by, I get the feeling that things are not exactly as they seem, which may or may not make the setup acceptable. We’ll see. Dialogue does need help for sure, however, either way.
Page 3 – Nothing but bad and expositional dialogue. This is literally the classic “talking heads” syndrome.
Page 4 – The first 2 lines of dialogue are both being shouted for some reason, and it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t read well. Try to avoid using exclamation points unless the character is literally yelling.
Again, this entire page is nothing but bad and expositional dialogue, between 2 talking heads.
Page 5 – Over ½ a page of the same, then…we finally get out of the diner! Thank you!
You’re CAPPING both character’s names again, for some reason. Incorrect, as noted earlier. The writing is also not good. You don’t want to mention what’s not onscreen (walking stick), or what isn’t happening (little sign of his limp), as you’re totally giving away what you’re also trying to conceal..
You don’t want to have the exact same Slug back to back. Here’s an example you not being detailed enough in your Slug, as they’re obviously in a different place, since they’ve been walking and skipping.
Page 6 – The entire page is expositional, wooden dialogue between 2 talking heads. At least we have the sea to look at behind them.
Page 7 – Entire page is again expositional, unbelievable, wooden dialogue. You aren’t even throwing in a single action line, other than 2 “beats”! You have to break this dialogue up. Probably chop it way back as well.
Page 8 – This is interesting…and something you need to be aware of. Up to this point, you have not mentioned the weather a single time. All of a sudden, on Page 8, we find out that it’s grey, wet, and out of season”. You need to set your scene immediately (Page 1) and if things change, you need to let us know.
This Flashback will be problematic onscreen. Without using a SUPER, no one will know what year it is. Maybe more importantly, since Tim is 80 now, it will be tough or impossible to recognize a 20 year old version. In your first Flashback, you didn’t show Tim, so it was no problem…here it is, however.
“The Beautiful Girl shoots at metal targets on a stall.” – This is awkward, because it comes out of nowhere, as in, “What beautiful girl is that?” I realize you intro’d her on the Page1 Flashback, but it just doesn’t work the way you’ve worded it here. Also, I don’t think you ever properly intro’d her either, with all CAPS.
Your Flashback ends and you immediately break into a new scene – I wouldn’t advise doing it like that. Actually, both of these Flashbacks have been awkwardly intro’d. Are we to believe these Flashbacks are coming from Tim’s memory? Just not quite working as you probably think it is, the way it’s written and set up.
Why is Simone screaming again? “Intolerably!” Get rid of the exclamation points.
Page 9 – The writing here isn’t good, sorry to say. Descriptions are awkward, passages aren’t broken up properly, you’re using a new way of doing a Flashback (you need to be 100% consistent), you’ve got an awkward intro to an exact “obscure” song from 1953, you’ve used all CAPS for 2 characters who have been intro’d already, while not CAPPING all the others who are brand new.
All of a sudden, this “Beautiful Girl” becomes “Simone” – it’s not at all surprising, based on how you set this all up, but it is awkward.
Page 10 – And now Tim yells for absolutely no reason. Maybe you don’t realize that an exclamation point in dialogue means the character yells his/her words?
Hmmm, now Tim is referring to present day Simone as his wife from the 50’s…and she’s in agreement. I understand it, but it’s awkward again.
Page 11 – Back to the bench…awkward again. As stated earlier, this is not a Slug, and its use here, makes it clear. Sitting on a bench does not change the scene.
OK, so, I understand what’s taking place and I figured something like this had to be going down, but the execution (especially on this final page) isn’t good. It’s tough to pull this kind of thing off. It’ll take some time to clean it up so it reads like you want it to.
But, maybe a bigger issue is why? Why even enter the diner in the first place? It has nothing to do with anything and it’s a dull setting compared to the sea front. The whole thing is fantasy (or in Tim’s head as he’s dying), so why leave the sea front? The scenery outside is much, much more interesting than a boring old diner.
Have him get up from the bench, and walk along the shore, and run into Simone. Cut way back on the meaningless exposition and pages and pages of dialogue. Have them just get to hang out 1 last time, and don’t try to hide what you’re doing so much, because in doing so, you’re actually making it very obvious what’s going on.
Darren, this is not a bad effort at all for your first script. It’s very ambitious, and I can tell you did some homework, which is always appreciated. Read lots of scripts in here, provide feedback on your thoughts and you’ll find you’ll get a lot more feedback (and help), yourself.
I look forward to your OWC entry. Hope this helps and makes sense. Take care.
Wow, thanks for the input Dreamscale. Everything you say is welcome and I really appreciate the great detail you have put in to your review. I do have a couple of quesitons to ask if you have the time. A couple of things you mentioned I have since learned (fade in left justified, caps on first introduction, return to scene etc).
1. Are the sentences awkward because of where I placed the full stops (periods)? 2. Simones first line "can I help you?" - not sure why this is odd? it might be a British thing but is used quite often here if you catch someone staring at you. It's sarcasm as in "are you looking at me because there is something you want from me?" 3. I didn't CAP janet because she does not speak - I thought only speaking characters were capitilized when introduced? and I named her because Tim knows her and refers to her by name. (At this point he is dead and thats why she ignores him) I was trying to suggest that he goes to the diner all the time and knows Janet well. ("in a foul mood again"). 4. I don't think the 'aside' is unfilmable but perhaps I should have wrote it as an expression of Tim's recognition instead? 5. Thanks for explaining orphans! I did wonder what they are (what is a Widow?) Do you have to watch for orphans in dialogue too? 6. I think I used the Wrylie because in his previous dialogue he was addressing Simone and now he has turned his attention to Janet. 7. It was meant to be strange that Simone (a young girl) wanted to spend her time with Tim (an old man) and this was a stumbling block for me while writing. Obviously her motivations are different (she is the ghost of his wife) and I tried to write Tim as finding it a bit strange too. 8. Is shouting implied by exclamation marks? I thought underlining or caps (or a parenthical) was used? what do you use to put inflection on the character's dialogue when they are speaking as if to make an observation? 9. Giving away what we are trying to conceal - I assumed the twist is for the audience not the reader - it is not a novel after all and the details that are clues to the twist (no limp, no walking stick) are the rewards for those that are watching and as I already established he had a limp and a walking stick, I thought it needed to be mentioned that he no longer has those things because he has changed. The audience might not notice (like the ambulance at the start).
Again, thank you for the points they have all been taken on board (and I know you have to be cruel to be kind!). I'll go back to this in a couple of months and do some cleaning up, I like the idea of losing the cafe but wanted to put a clue in there as to the fact that no one can see him because he is dead. Thats the role that Janet filled. Speak soon. DJT
2. Simones first line "can I help you?" - not sure why this is odd? it might be a British thing but is used quite often here if you catch someone staring at you. It's sarcasm as in "are you looking at me because there is something you want from me?"
It's not what she says, it's based on the fact that you didn't properly set up the scene, so we don't know where anyone is compared to each other. If it's fairly crowded, it doesn't seem right that she would notice him. Is she right near the front door of the place? That's what I'm referring to.
3. I didn't CAP janet because she does not speak - I thought only speaking characters were capitilized when introduced? and I named her because Tim knows her and refers to her by name. (At this point he is dead and thats why she ignores him) I was trying to suggest that he goes to the diner all the time and knows Janet well. ("in a foul mood again").
I understand. Some will agree with you. IMO, you need to CAP all characters on first intro, named or not. Even animals should be CAPPED when intro'd. Some even CAP important props (not that I'd recommend that). CAPPING your characters on first intro makes sure everyone in the shoot understands who needs to be available. It gives a "reader" an idea of the size of the cast needed to film. It's just a good habit to get into.
4. I don't think the 'aside' is unfilmable but perhaps I should have wrote it as an expression of Tim's recognition instead?
It's a personal pet peeve of mine. Many don't have any problems with them. many Pros love using them. I don't feel they have any place in a Spec script.
5. Thanks for explaining orphans! I did wonder what they are (what is a Widow?) Do you have to watch for orphans in dialogue too?
No widows that I'm aware of in screenwriting. Some people get very upset when someone brings up orphans. And I'm not saying you can't ever have one. I'm saying they waste a line and if you can do away with them by rewriting your sentence in a better, tighter way, you should. I've seen examples in scripts (including Pro scripts) where orphans literally account for an extra 5-10 pages of waste...and they could easily have been removed in most situations. I don't feel orphans in dialogue are actual orphans, cause IMO, dialogue is more important based on how it's worded and not as easy to just change, as the meaning and fee can change. Orphans are not technically incorrect, either, BTW. They're are just something you should watch out for and try to have as few as possible.
6. I think I used the Wrylie because in his previous dialogue he was addressing Simone and now he has turned his attention to Janet.
Yep, that's cool. As I said, based on how Janet had already walked past them, I didn't feel it made much sense. I do understand what you were doing, and it's fine as is.
7. It was meant to be strange that Simone (a young girl) wanted to spend her time with Tim (an old man) and this was a stumbling block for me while writing. Obviously her motivations are different (she is the ghost of his wife) and I tried to write Tim as finding it a bit strange too.
Yep, I got that, but again, the way it's laid out, it's too obvious that something along these lines is taking place. If you came up with a more natural meeting, it would come across as more as a surprise and would play out better. Especially the stuff about sitting together, and then leaving without eating and taking a walk together. Because we know that would never rally happen, we have to assume something else is going on and it's a giveaway.
8. Is shouting implied by exclamation marks? I thought underlining or caps (or a parenthical) was used? what do you use to put inflection on the character's dialogue when they are speaking as if to make an observation?
Yes, exclamation points represent someone raising their voice. Yes, all 3 can also be used, but IMO, all 3 are frowned upon and get irritating. Using a wrylie takes up an extra line, but if you really want or need to suggest screaming, a wrylie and an exclamation point would seal the deal...but I don't think it's necessary, personally.
9. Giving away what we are trying to conceal - I assumed the twist is for the audience not the reader - it is not a novel after all and the details that are clues to the twist (no limp, no walking stick) are the rewards for those that are watching and as I already established he had a limp and a walking stick, I thought it needed to be mentioned that he no longer has those things because he has changed. The audience might not notice (like the ambulance at the start).
Yeah, I got ya. I do. What I was trying to say is that there are ways of writing that don't reveal things that you don't want revealed, and then there are ways of writing that are dead giveaways. It's a fine lien and something that comes with more experience. For instance, any time a writer writes about something not being in the shot, it clues the reader into the fact that there's a definite reason why this is being pointed out. Again, it's tough to pull off properly so that both the read and the view will work equally effectively.
I like the idea of losing the cafe but wanted to put a clue in there as to the fact that no one can see him because he is dead. Thats the role that Janet filled.
I understand, but IMO, that didn't get across at all, based on the writing and all the dialogue going on, which was a real distraction, based on the length and just how it came off.
PS I'm sorry but someone tell me what, lol, means. Please, before I get really annoyed. I've just got the IMO but a few pass me by. I would do a smilie now but don't know how so... Smile....
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Hey Darren, I responded to your PM yesterday, BTW. Not sure if you knew there was a response waiting for you...it's in the upper left hand corner of the Discussion Board page.
I've seen you on the boards making acquaintances here. So, I thought I'd take a look at what you're bringing to the table. I read through some of the comments. Congrats on completing your first script. It's a great feeling, to write, "the end".
I do agree that your description phrasing chunks the read. Focusing on efficient grammar and present tense verbage will help there. Some of Tim's dialogue tends to be rambling expository stuff. I know he's older, lost in memory, but trimming this will help. Say what you want to say in the least amount of words needed.
The page seven farewell dialogue feels very superfluous. Simone's past tense dialogue raises some red flags about her. They seem bolstered up by the subsequent angel references. Hmmm. And there we have it, the wrap up was decently handled.
Congrats on finishing this and for demonstrating some ambition. You went for something subtle and dramatic, not many start out there. If you read active members script, you'll pick up a lot of tips. Hope to continue seeing you active on the boards.
Keep writing and rewriting.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Thanks E. D. (ED?) I am learning a hell of a lot in a short amount of time thanks to you and others' comments - the trick is getting it on the page huh? I was told that the critique can be a bit harsh here but thick skins are a prerequisite of the craft! And you have to be cruel to be kind. Also - you know what you are talking about! Thanks again Daz
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