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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Waiting - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Waiting - OWC  (currently 3381 views)
Don
Posted: September 16th, 2011, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Waiting by Nipper Orchard - Short - Three strangers meet in a dentist's waiting room with more in common than they realise. 10 pages - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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This was very good. I really enjoyed it. The ending was cool. I found a few mistakes throughout it, though. Nothing major, though:

-For some reason, you numbered the title page, and page 1. You're supposed to leave no number on the title page and page 1, and then start on page 2, where you start the page count at "2."

-You used passive tense some times. I'm not great at grammar myself, so I won't try to point out where you did, but I did notice it a couple of times. Instead of "Bob is sitting on the bench" use "Bob sits on the bench," just for an example.

-You didn't use great punctuation in the dialogue. There were some places that needed periods, but mostly places where you should use a comma.

-There were a few big blocks of action. Keep action paragraphs at four lines a paragraph. Each individual action should be in its own paragraph.

So there you go. Hope that helped. Again, I really enjoyed this script. It could very easily be filmed low-budget, which is always good.
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mcornetto
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was written well enough.  The story was easy enough to follow though the end was slightly unclear.  The dialogue was good for the most part.  

I'm not certain I liked the ending.  Not that it didn't work, just that it seemed a bit cliche.  Plus I was kind of expecting it after the watch foreshadow.  

Other than that I found this paragraph which was quite confusing.

Simon swings a PUNCH at Mike.  It connects and Simon falls
down with a bloodied nose.  He sits where he fell, stunned.  
Simon grabs Heather, she tries to scream as he begins to
strangle her.

Some more editing needed to catch these active sentence issues?

she is lifted off the ground by him

Overall really good for one week.  Well done.

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Ryan1
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Yeah, I figured out your twist on page 4, when their watches stopped.  Good choice for purgatory, as a dentist's waiting room often feels like that.  You also could have used the DMV.

I still wasn't exactly sure how each of them died and wound up together at the office at the same time.  But not bad at all for a week's notice.
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greg
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Good twist but I didn't really get what these three had in common.  At the end there all the dialogue garbled together and I wasn't sure if these folks' crimes were related to one another or independent.  I liked the use of the waiting room.  Dental waiting rooms can be one of the worst places to be.

Good job for a week.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Well, the good news is that this is probably the best of the first batch, but it did little for me, sorry to say.

There are a number of issues running throughout the script, some of which have already been brought up by the other reviewers.

I want to add to Crooked owl's feedback about the punctuation - it's pretty poor in many ways.  So many missing commas that literally change the meaning and readability of the sentences.

Shockingly horrific amount of wrylies on display here - like WAY TOO MANY!  Most are a complete waste and annoyance.

Also, a shocking amount of beats used in action lines.  Reads very poorly and basically all should be axed.

Over-writing throughout the script in terms of detail given unnecessarily.

For me, the dialogue was pretty poor and unrealistic - as in way too proper, with few contractions like just about everyone uses.  Also, many of the things that were said are not things anyone would say, even in a surreal situation like this.  Just didn't come across as remotely believable.

Until the very end, we've got 3 talking heads talking about nonsense in a stark, white room.  Not remotely visually intriguing.

You know, I'm iffy on the entire premise.  It's OK, but something that's been overdone, IMO.  It may be a twist, but as everyone has said, it's not well concealed, and the entire "Dentist's Office" thing doesn't really work, IMO.  What makes it a Dentist's Office, anyway?  Why would any of them think they're in a Dentist's Office?  It's kind of a cheat on the writer's part to make us, as readers think something that's far from the truth, by using an inaccurate Slug of "Dentist's Office".

The writing isn't great by any means but not terrible, either...and not nearly as irritating as the last few scripts I've read, so Kudos on that.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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rdhay
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Good job on doing the OWC. I liked this one generally, but I thought some things could've worked better. I agree with Mike that the watch bit showed your hand too much. I think it'd work if you just cut out the acknowledgment that all their watches have stopped. I agree about the dialogue and lack of contractions. You've set up who they are so they should talk the talk. And last, I think I would've liked this a lot better if all of their crimes were inter-related. I think it'd make a good juxtaposition (I think that's the word I'm looking for...) with the idea that they're total strangers in the beginning.

HTH
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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This is the first of the OWC that I'll be reading (gotta go to work) but I thought you did a good job.

The title is perfect for this script.
I have to say though that as soon as I knew the watches stopped, I knew where this was going to end.

The ending was a good one though.

Good job on finishing the OWC

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Read it.

Not bad as far as grammar ect.

Story had a TZ kind thing going to me. Pretty cool.

Im going to guess that when Simon punched mike, and simon hit the floor it was part of the groups "oneness" or something?

either way good job on getting it done.


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dogglebe
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well written.  It could've been a little shorter, though.  And a little tighter.  Some description could be taken out.


Quoted Text
             HEATHER
     (disinterested) I'm sorry but could we just wait quietly? Thank you.

Heather throws a condescending smile. More of an instruction than a request. The waiting room falls silent for a long beat.


It was obvious in her dialog that she was condescending and that what she said wasn't a request.

Some of the dialog did seem a little artificial.  You should read the characters' part aloud.  It may help you to see this.

Over all, though, a good read.


Phil
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wonkavite
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Liked the concept, the characters and the set up.  The writing's clean as well...flows nicely.  This one could be polished into an easily produce-able gem.

A few nitpicks:  After the first few pages, the dialogue read artificial to me.  Not casual enough - and the characters brought up issues without the proper prompting that would make the reveals seem "natural".  (IE:  a bit 'on the nose.')  Also, while it's obvious where they've ended up, I was left unsure as to whether their stories were combined.  Was there any interconnection, or were they simply three travelers, going to the same, er, location..?
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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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The setup for this was to transition from a quiet waiting room to a boisterous waiting room with the characters learning secrets about each other.

I think the setup worked.
Writing was okay (watch those parentheticals!)
Some passages were obvious steps to the next level.
I didn't buy into the "they knew each other before" ending.
The change in appearance at the end confused me.
Criteria met.
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Lexalicous
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on completing the script for the OWC.

OWC rules respected:

Totally. Number of actors was not exceeded, fine easy setup, perfect for amateurs.

Originality:

Not cliché-ridden, the characters were creative and some even relatable for me.

Structure:

Careful with the parentheticals, plaese. Other than that was fine.

Overall impression:

Nice work!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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dig the concept. However, execution is debatable.  

When Simon picks a fight with  the lawyer, that seems random.

Also, the transition scene when they've discovered where they are needs to be worked on more. I mean if they haven't figured it out in the beginning then why at that point of the story. Needs some explanation for that. Not much just a bit.

Hope this helps
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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After reading this:

INT. DENTIST’S WAITING ROOM - DAY

Cold white and stark. Stacks of old magazines sit on small tables. Landscape paintings, potted plants and a row of hard plastic chairs along one wall.
Three people occupy the seats.

*I thought "Why?" Why would anyone go to a dentist that was stark white with hard plastic chairs? It must be taking place back in the 50's or something.

Anyways, we go from seeming strangers together in the waiting room to discovering that they in fact know each other. In the end, we discover it's a cousin to the "It was all a dream" scenario, where the people we've been watching are already dead.

I think it would help if we knew the reason why they are all together in a dentist's office.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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