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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Lucy's Closet - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Lucy's Closet - OWC  (currently 3551 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lucy's Closet by Zayin - Short - A bedtime story helps a young girl get over her fear of the closet. 10 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 17th, 2011, 2:31pm
pdf version uploaded
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Where to begin...where to begin...

First of all, you should get your hands on some screenwriting software.  You'll turn alot of potential readers away when they see a WORD DOC format...which is strange, cause on the thread, it's listed as a PDF, which it is not.

I applaud you for going for a very ambitious angle on this, but you definitely didn't pull it off.  It's very difficult to follow, based on poor Slug use.  Lots and lots of really awkwardly structured lines, that read kind of humorous at times, which is definitely not what you're after.  Other lines are extremely vague and hard to follow what you're even trying to say...or show.

The story stuff early on is really a yawner, and I can see why Lucy crashed right to sleep.  I mean it's over an entire page with nothing going on in Lucy's bedroom..pure visual Hell.

I can tell you have alot to learn on the fine art and science of screenwriting, but this is a good effort to start.  My advice would be to keep it simple until you know what you're doing.  Work on your grammar and sentence structure.  Learn about Slugs and make sure what you use makes sense and "shows" your readers exactly where we are in the script.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I really liked this.  I liked the whole thing with the closet door.  I'm not sure I understood entirely what was going on, but I liked the idea. For something knocked out in less than a week, this has a lot of potential.

One location: check
4 actors: check (sort of - two adult women, one adult man, two children.  I'm going to assume that Lucy 7 and Lucy 5 can be played by the same actor with minor costume change provided they are not in the scene together)
Low Budget: check

Don


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grademan
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Very imaginative. I liked what I understood, but I couldn’t figure out what the end was supposed to mean. It would look great on film but the audience would be lost. BTW, I fell asleep before Lucy did when told her bedtime story. The alternate bedrooms were cool.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the closet but it was confusing when you were going back in time and present. That can easily be fixed by putting flashback next to the slug. Also, if the issue was about dealing with death, start from the beginning like Lucy asking her mom about dad.

Hope this helps
Gabe


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was done quite well. I do feel confused about how Adult Lucy shows up and then Anna again at the end. I think if Adult Lucy was there, we need to be shown this kind of paradox clearly in the beginning, that way she doesn't "come out of the blue".

I think that "the story" that Anna tells might be too long as it stands because there's nothing visually stimulating that's happening except for, for example: Lucy yawns. If the character's are yawning, we might be too.

The idea is a good one, it just needs some re-working.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mcornetto
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Well there goes my thought that this was written by Sandra in a tame mood.  Unless, of course, she just commented to throw us off the trail.

I think the concept behind this is excellent.  An adult dealing with childhood trauma in layers or in this case closets.

I just think it needs to be structured more succinctly.   There isn't a clear feeling for the story line.  It's all kind of a jumble.  At least that's how I see it.

So take it from those murky depths and shine some surface light on it.  Wrap it in a package that is the Adult Lucy's story.

Good work for a week.
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leitskev
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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First, I applaud efforts like this. I like the physics/nature of reality/memory stuff. But this did not grab me, and I really tried. Either I'm tired, or not smart enough, but I have no idea what's going on. And I reread some parts too. So I'll check back after the reveal and see the writer's explanation for WTF is going on here. Or maybe I'll come back when I have a full pot of coffee or a brain transplant.

Sincerely, though, I really do admire this kind of effort and don't want to discourage it at all. And the writing seems mostly competent. I just have no clue what's going on, and by the end, I couldn't stop thinking about tomorrow.s Patriots game.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 17th, 2011, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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I was confused, but intrigued, which is better than bored.
This was a very ambitious script for a OWC, I applaud you.
However, learning proper format will help this complex tale.
I’m unsure if you can do the room switch well without CG.
If it requires CG, that may blow the budget rule, IMO.
I’d like to see a cleaned up version of this.

Regards,
E.D.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Pretty neat story, but as the others have mentioned it needs to be reworked to make it clearer.

Congrats on completing the OWC

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Word Doc Jeff?  Not on my laptop. Looks very normal formatting to me.

Heavy dramas are not my thing to read or watch, but I think you did a good job here. Story works and the writing was fine. Definitely filled the requirements of this OWC. One of the better ones I've read so far.  

Good work!


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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It's been fixed.  Originally, it was a WORD doc.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
It's been fixed.  Originally, it was a WORD doc.

Oh okay. Maybe the writer sent in a different draft...I wonder if I can fix mine and ask Don to swap?  


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Lexalicous
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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OWC rules respected:

If you'd use the same child for Lucy (5) and Lucy (7) it fits. One room... actually yes, but you'd have to do a lot of work on it.

Originality:

Well, the closet thing reminded me to the Narnia-Saga, but the general idea behind it seemed nice. I was a bit confused, I assume this movie would be very philosophical.

Structure:

Bad. The title page is missing, the slugs aren't properly used and the script is not in pdf. Please work with a screenwriting software next time, Celtx is free!

Overall opinion:

Okay script, could still be improved, but nothing terrible.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Your FADE IN is supposed to be flush left and not flush right. Nobody else seems to have brought it up. Odd. Usually, it's the first thing folks on the site will gripe about.

Anyway, moving on...

Okay...there is, early on, a few things that are bugging me. That's words which I am familiar with but either I wonder what they are doing there because you don't see (read) them everyday and they run the risk of baffling a reader or two...and I have to STOP to see if those words are correctly spelled and/or look up the defininitions to see if I was right, you were right etc..

Once I'm over that hurdle, I can read the rest of this. (Remember: I had to stop reading a few minutes before.) and it was worth it as I thought it ended up being well-written and slightly inventive. If it wasn't for the great vocabulary, (and the minor nitpickin' of the lack of title page, the Right handed FADE IN) I would say this is the best of the bunch, even better than my own.

Good job overall. Might make my shortlist.


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