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A sitcom featuring back and forth arguing, a ridiculous lie, a gullible landlord – standard routine and ending. The dialogue was a tad forced and spelling/format errors slowed down the read. Felt rushed.
Too bad the funeral parlor was a separate location, that might have been fun to see.
Well...we've got a comedy here. There is some humor on display, but for me, it plays out like a TV sitcom skit from the early 70's, that's rather stale and outdated.
The writing itself is full of problems...all over the place. Terrible spelling, grammar, and punctuation on display that I would think any spell checker would catch. I just don't get it. I mean, seriously, "livingoom"? Over and over..in Slugs, in action prose...so many other ridiculous mistakes. Way too many wrylies being used. Way too many other issues that shouldn't be here.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
So much for anonymity, Lexalicious. Yeah, this one was like a weak Three's Company episode. You could have called Radcliffe Mr. Furley. The old fake beard and accent, amazing how many times that fools people in a sitcom.
I think you could have had some fun with this idea if you executed it differently. Way too much expository dialogue at the beginning. Took too long to get to the fake death idea.
The grammar and spelling was...rough. Punctuation was also a big problem because...
MAURICE Well, in this letter it says they gonna give us 10.000 dollars.
Ten bucks ain't much payoff from life insurance. Just goes to show you what a difference a comma makes.
I didn't have much problem with the urban "Eubonics" too much although it does get a bit tiresome reading it on the page. I didn't mind the sitcom-ness of the piece. Took me a minute to get a grin, but it worked in that regard.
Do I think Mr. Radcliffe is a nasty fellow who needs to be lied to? All I know is, he's cut them a lot of slack for outrageous lies and other delays on rent. What was it? A full year's back rent? Marice, a bum, doesn't pay. Alisa, for what we know, doesn't pay the rent or even part of it. She can make excuses for her Andy Capp like husband; what's her excuse?
But it's sitcom-y. I'll roll with it. Until the In-Law calls.
That In-Law (who hates Marice, of course) mentions his death. When did Alisa lie to her mother?
I dropped out on p7, when he's getting on a disguise and they are talking about "his funeral" why?? I'll tell you why. It was established that they only lied to Mr. Radcliffe, not anyone else that I'm aware of AND the fact that no bodies were recovered and the passenger list is gone
I have tears in my eyes. You know, if you watch a feature comedy, sometimes there might be only a couple of jokes that really make you laugh out loud. This one got me to laugh out loud and to the point of tears.--
I thought you was an emaciated woman, why don't you look for a job if you're so crazy about it? ALISA You mean emancipated..
--That one got me for some reason. I'm still laughing. That and the Mormon one were great. And there were a few other ones too. I mean, I think they were really funny. To do that in a short, man, that's pretty darn good. You have some real talent for humor.
Now, the story: Are you mad? Were you drinking when you wrote this? The woman tells the landlord to go away, her husband's on a ship to China; then the ship hits...an oil rig!; then they hold some kind of funeral for him...man, you were smoking some good stuff, Charlie.
This made me laugh too, though it was not your intention:
Alisa, wearing a pyjama,
WTF; that brought the tears right back to my eyes. I laugh actually seeing it again now.
Well, Lex, on the bright side: you are one funny bastard. You know how to come up with jokes, you have a real talent for that. So there has to be some way to make a career out of that talent. But your overall story needs to be maybe run by someone with some common sense. I like you work, though, buddy, I'll watch for future stuff! God, I really needed that laugh, thanks.
Sorry Michael. Maybe those jokes just hit me right. Maybe I'm in a good mood because the pats won. The writing and the story itself are all over the place here, as I said in my review. But I found some of the one liners to be funny. I like the Three Stooges too.
The spelling and grammar is a mess, there's inconsistencies galore, and most of the stuff in here doesn't make sense but I enjoyed it simply because it was so crazy. Definitely felt rushed and read the same way but there is some funny sitcom stuff in here. As I also said, there's some unbelievable things going on, such as the ridiculously gullible landlord (12 months of no payments? And he falls for it again? Eh).
But it was enjoyable. Light hearted, some good punch lines (especially the last one), and it had a fun goofiness to it.
This one fit the OWC rules without a hitch. However, the nature of the contest prohibited a good scene. Despite some format/grammar snafus, the pages read pretty well. I think seeing Maurice at his funeral could’ve been funny. Overall, the sitcom style humor didn’t win me over. But, I’m pleased to see some light attempts for the OWC.
Regards, E.D.
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I agree with the Sitcom allegory (is that the right word?) but I didn't actually see any comedy here. It might be an English thing - this is the sort of thing that would turn up in an episode of Steptoe and Son, Rising Damp or Only Fools and Horses (70's British Sitcoms - Youtube them) One bit made me chuckle (Emaciated vs. Emancipated) but the rest was just too ridiculous. There was a coffin but no body? Daz