Criterion by Samekh - Short - An adolescent girl fears her tribal initiation. 12 pages - pdf, format

Great writing. The story makes no sense whatsoever. It all feels pointless in the end. It’s a shame. If this writer had something to say, he or she could write something formidable.


Breanne

Well....it's different.
It's got a wierd surreal vibe in places, I don't mind it. Even if a was a bit zigzagged, trying to figure it out.
What I did mind is some clunkiness "...without the horse---horseless horseman" (p3) and the "character" of 3, (?) late in the script. I guess what annoyed me more was the writer describing all the crazy NOISES IN CAPS in some places and underscoring with other sounds and actions in others...

With all the good visual and surreal stuff going on, all that which I just mentioned throws the read off balance a bit. Then there's this on p8:

Quoted Text GELDEZ And too! These 'r ed'ble. Not too tasty. We still callem poberty verries. They tole tha white man this, 'ya needa eatem ta protect against Dam's Disease'.

Is Geldez telling a joke and therefore giving a mocking tone of speech?
I hope you didn't teach spell check those words; but more to the point, he pronounces words differntly before this, and now all of a sudden...

It feels intentional. But at the same time, I count them as spelling errors.

Some folks are going to go bonkers with the DISSOLVE.

As for the four character, one location....I'm 50/50 on it, but I'll let it slide. Big hill. Film one side. Reverse angle, film the other. Trees nearby.  A general location...but I don't think too many SS peeps are going to crazy over this. Nice effort though. And different.                

Sorry but I felt a similar way. I was just lost. By page 3 I was frazzled.

Someone had a powerful idea, really had soemthing to say but I couldn't keep up.

Best of luck and well done for entering.

tried...I really tried.  Got to page 4, and that's it.

Absolutely ridiculous.  Seems like another shroomfest going on...both in terms of what's supposedly taking place on the page and in the writer's mind.

The writing itself may be competent, but is far from "great", IMO.  It's purposely hard to read, and doesn't make sense (and I'm not even referring to the story not making sense) as written.

Please send whatever drugs induced this tale to me ASAP.  Thank you!

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

From what I can tell, this was an effort to work visuals, strange words and underlined terms to achieve something. Sorry couldn’t figure it out. The writing needs improvement. The in the cage, out of the cage is an example.

This was the first one I couldn't finish.  I was just utterly baffled as to what was going on.  Could this have been written by the same person who wrote Thrice?  Same colorful use of language, but a similar lack of clarity in the narrative.  

It actually got a bit quicker to read toward the end.

Boy, Sandra's been busy this week.  This is the third one I think she's written.

I thought the dialogue and the writing were fantastic here - even though I think there was a bit too much writing going on and not enough explaining.

This sort of whole new universe thing can work in a feature but it's not appropriate for a short.  It usually leaves people feeling completely lost.    I have to admit that while I sort of got what was going on with this tribal religion the specifics of it were lost on me.  And I think those specifics were crucial to the story.

When you have something complex like this, choose the right things to put on the page and the right things to leave off the page.  I can't even begin to suggest what you should have left off and what you should put on because I don't think you gave me the correct information to make that decision.

I know you get it. Now help me get it.

Ok. I started reading this during the NFL game I was watching, but that wasn't gonna work. Too tough a read. So after the game, I made a pot, and here we go.

I think there is possibly quite a bit of talent with the writer. So I certainly hope the writer presses on and continues working. Some quick points.

I have read some fantasy and sci fi in my day. This felt like a chapter from a fantasy novel. Now, if this is something you have adapted from a larger work in order to fit in the Criteria for this challenge, I hope you understand that is outside the spirit of the exercise. But let's give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume the idea is fresh.

This writing is definitely more in character with something we would find in a novel. For example, at times the action lines are vague, in way they might be in a novel, where a writer often teases the reader, tries to engage his mind, capture his curiosity. But descriptions about what is happening are supposed to be clear in a script. Too often here it is not.

You're introducing key concepts about this world, such as Initiate and Criterion, but never really explaining. You succeeded in creating mystery and some curiosity about what was going on, but did you even give the audience any chance at all at figuring things out? I have no idea what happened at the end. It seemed like Min was going to be a sacrifice, but then there she is in the next scene. I think people have to be given some clue what's going on or has happened.

So, I hope you are encouraged to continue. You have a powerful imagination, an eye for some cool visuals, and some sophisticated ideas. the writing shows you know how to craft with words. To be fair to your reader, you have to be a little clearer, and give people some chance to figure out what's going on. Unless you plan on directing your own stuff, in which case you might produce some cool esoteric films. I'll check back here for story explanations after the reveal. Good luck.

Seems the OWC rules are not in effect for this one.
This feels like Apocalypse Now meets Apocalypto.
You went for it, without a doubt, so kudos there.
But I haven’t the foggiest of what you were going for though.
The descriptions were not helping much to orient me.
If I had some context, perhaps I would’ve gotten more invested.

Regards,
E.D.

I have no idea what this is about.

Far too much stuff going on, far too overwritten in every aspect.

This reads more like a book than a screenplay.

Keep it simple.

Greg

I see some comments about great writing. Maybe it is, I'm not an expert in English, but I do think it's more suitable for a book and not a screenplay. Overwritten IMHO.

The story, was okay, but I got lost in the wordiness of the writing. I usually don't care about formatting, but you had a lot of things that would be considered non standard script format. What's with the underlining and the * for example.

As far as the OWC goes I think you went a little too far. I could live with one stretch, but when they start to add up...

One location: well, could be considered one even if broad.

Up to 4 actors: well, could be 4 if we don't count the Horseman.

Low budget: I can't really see that. Children, not only hard to work with but there are laws about how much they can work and so on. Horse... Costume department. I don't know, maybe some creative person could pull it off. It just seems a bit ambitious to be low budget to me.

In short, not bad, but I came close to not finishing due to the writing. Maybe simplify it some to make it a little more clear and easier to read.

I am not reading the scripts in the OWC in order and so far I have had three "trips" in a row and now my head hurts. I am a very imaginitive person - read a lot of fantasy, play RPG's, bit of a nerd but I was lost in this.
Maybe you are trying to be too clever or I am not clever enough to "get it".
Some nice, original descriptions however.

I think this is well written and I'm annoyed that it's not more entertaining.  There's a sort of mean-spirited undertone to it, as if the author disliked the characters and the reader.  Well, that happens.

Sorry, but I got lost in this, too. Found myself skimming over the pages past page 3 and still didn't make sense of it... Sorry.

Cindy