Not Over Yet by Tom Batt (pickles4uk) - Drama - Two people pretend dating to make their exes jealous to win them back, however things get complicated when one of them develops feelings for the other. 94 pages - pdf, format

Hi there Tom,

thought I'd give it a read.  To be fair, the logline, though to the point, didn't really grab, seemed a bit predictable.  Got through the first 15 pages or so.  Just a couple of thoughts.

The format seemed nice and clean, made for a fast read, though the dialogue was overly long in places.  It slowed the action and seemed just to forced and on the nose to really be believable.  Watch the use of 'is' in describing people/actions, it tends to stand out if relied upon too heavily.

In the end I ran out of steam as the story just seemed to wander between Tom and Jess (do they have surnames?)  as they wallowed in heartbreak.  Make us care a little more by upping the stakes, we know they're hurting, but why should we care about these two?  What's different about them?  Maybe get to the point a little sooner and don't be shy in cutting back on the dialogue.  Think about getting in/out of a scene earlier, by that I mean only show the reader what is truly necessary to tell the story.

Hope this doesn't read as being too negative.  No doubt there's a story in there, right now it just seems buried by the pace.    

Steve