Forever Thine by Sydney Cuthbert - Short, Gothic Horror - A sickly young woman is haunted by a ghost in an old victorian mansion. What does the grim spectre portend for her and her husband? 6 pages, 4 characters, unrated - pdf, format

This is a tight, simple story and it works for me. I think it fits this OWC quite well.

On the second page, I really thought the author was going for gothic soft-core porn with a character named Roderick Hungtington. That's right, Rod Hungtington. But no.

I enjoyed it, my grade: B

The bolding gets very irritating.  The writing itself is tough to follow.  1 page in and I'm out.

Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC.

IGNORE EARLIER REVIEW....seemed to be from a different script....

On point in terms of atmosphere and theme....

Very apt title.


Couldn't follow the logic of the story. Why did he need the ghost to kill her? Maybe it's me.

The ending was very nice though.

Good job.  

Really nice.  And really gothic.

Whoever the writer turns out to be - this one's a gem.  

Well written, nice twist at the end that I didn't see coming.  And nice turns of phrase in the telling (His words are concerned, his eyes aren't is a stand-out.)

Kudos - so far, this one's on my short-list for the top five, maybe much higher.....  

I owe the writer an apology. The review I posted above was meant for a different script. I have not actually read this one yet, it turns out. I will rectify shortly.

Ok, the review:

It was a dark and stormy night...really?

The rest of the story is pretty well enough written, but I'm not sure I understand. The ghost has been tricked by Roderick, who convinces her that if she scares his wife to death, the ghost herself will be freed from being stuck here haunting this castle? Yet the wife is dying anyway. The doctor said it was only a matter of time. Unless Roderick has been poisoning his wife, in which case there is no need for a ghost deal. And the wife knows she's dying too, she says so to the ghost. Color me confused.

I'll email Janet, maybe she can explain things to me. She has to explain things alot to me.

If the actions of the ghost and Roderick make sense, then the twist at the end will be very nice and effective. Let me get back.

I do have some technical nitpicks, mainly about the bolding and not breaking up long action elements. But I will skip those because I really enjoyed it.

I found the story very easy to follow and the twist at the end wasn't really a twist since the elements for the conclusion were laid out pretty clearly from the beginning.  But it didn't matter, because the execution really worked quite nicely despite occasional clumsiness in description and dialogue. The voices of the characters were well established which is a great achievement with such a low page count.

My favourite so far.

Roderick may be the only one who drinks more then me. Then again, thats a mythical character. He seriously downs like 6 shots of Brandy in 6 pages.

Confused as well. Dunno what's more annoying, the overuse of the bold writing or the overuse of the word "regard". I didn't feel this fit the parameters at all. The atmosphere was there, but didn't see how the ghost wasn't bad, just misunderstood. There is a solid twist in here, just lack of motivation IMO. I didn't feel the love between Roderick and his wife. Or the hatred. They just were. For her to set him up to die, I wanted something more. Thought you could've used those extra pages allowed to work with that. Definitely not bad, I'm just hard on you because I think you missed what this challenge was about. Maybe, after a response, I'll change my tune. Good job completing an OWC.

James

I am not a big fan of those who are into the bold face headers. I guess I should be thanful it's not blue (seen those on occasion) ...I know some pros like to do them, names will be dropped (so- and so does it) but I couldn't care less. It can get out of hand.

Does RUMBLE and THUNDER need to be IN CAPS AND BOLDED?
You could make a case for only caps with RUMBLE, although capping sounds isn't needed anymore - but there's nothing overtly wrong with it as long as the script doesn't look like a wanted poster. Likewise, BOLDING CHARACTERS IN CAPS  ON INTRODUCTION. Capping them on into is fine. There's no need to bold them. I was also confused at first if the DOCTOR was RODERICK. I had to look again to be sure. Doctor what? Doctor Who? I'm no fan of characters named in character slugs and narrative - known only by profession.

Not bad for the OWC.
Didn't like it too much though due to the boldness and The Doctor.

Quoted from Pii I found the story very easy to follow and the twist at the end wasn't really a twist since the elements for the conclusion were laid out pretty clearly from the beginning.- Henrik

Maybe you can explain, Henrik, since I can't figure this. Why is he trying to have the ghost scare his wife to death when she is dying and according to the doctor "only has a matter of time"?  And why would the ghost scare her to death, since she has already seen the ghost? And when she first saw the ghost, she mentioned something like "it's not my time yet".

See what I'm saying? Maybe I'm missing it. If she is dying, why not just wait for her to die? Was the point just that she is frail, so I fright will push her over the edge?

Sometimes, after a story has time to set in, it makes more sense to me, or grows more powerful. Sometimes it's the opposite. The idea of a deal with a ghost to scare a wife to death seems something more ripe for comedy. Picture the frustrated ghost trying to conjure up scary stuff for the poor woman.

I guess the earlier meeting with the ghost is evidence of the ghost already conspiring with the wife to kill the husband. I don't recall. But the sticking point remains that the wife was dying anyway, why would the husband bother making a deal with the ghost?

There was some nice thought put into this story. I would certainly read a second version of it if the writer puts one together.

Hello Gordon,

First para what's a wan young woman - always good to learn.
The bold stuff did go too far.
P3 roderick under a chandlier- couldn't see the point of this statement, maybe it needed more. I wouldn't normally comment but it did slightly show how the reading was sometimes a bit confusing.
Why his speech in coma's on p3

To me this has potential but needs a bit of work.

All the best.

EDIT I read this again in case I had been unfair. Some OWC reviews are rushed.  I stand by my first comments but the quality of writing was more apparent second time. Well done.

Good atmosphere, even a dark and stormy night to boot.
This one’s nailed the tone the best of them so far.
Intrigue. Spurned romance. Deception. Twisted Love. Yummy.
Gothic is super hard IMO to achieve with a short. Kudos.
Classic twist, strong and clear character dynamics.
One heck of misunderstood ghost too.
This one’s my favorite by a pretty wide margin.
Thanks for sharing your script with the OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

First of all, congrats on getting an OWC out in time.

I actually found it slow and difficult to read and yes the bold didn`t help, it`s not used a lot anymore. I thought I was reading a novel more than a script.
For 6 pages, you did have nice little twist.
overall  6/10

Mark

Quoted from leitskev But the sticking point remains that the wife was dying anyway, why would the husband bother making a deal with the ghost?

That's it - I'm defending this one (while agreeing with Kevin that this is an illogical loop hole in the story.)  

Easily fixed, however.  The writer need only have the doctor state that she is "gravely ill, but will recover.  And long she's allowed her rest, and kept away from any excitement that would heat her blood"...  (Or other such similar ye old doctor-isms....)

In that case, Rodrick *would* need the ghost to scare her to death.  Poisoning could be traced back to him - a dangerous proposition.  Especially since he'd be the number one suspect if foul murder were suspected...

This one's by far my favorite of the OWC.  And at this point, I've read 'em all...

But she has already seen the ghost and it doesn't scare her...or is that the point? the ghost is already conspiring with the wife?

I just think the premise is more ripe for humor. The idea of tricking a ghost  to scare one's wife...seems perfect for a skit.

The writing was fine, and the end is a strong final image. I guess I just can't buy the premise as serious. But that's how premises go; not everyone's gonna buy in.

This really could be a winning comedy premise though! Something to think about for after the challenge. I don't see a lot of comedy shorts, that could be a story with legs. Just an idea.