A Dance in the Dark by Greg Baldwin (greg) - Short, Gothic Horror - A nifty new smart phone app allows a feuding couple to communicate with the dead.   12 pages, 5 characters, PG-13 Rating - pdf, format

Lighthearted, original concept. Not bad. At least there was a nice effort at some character building and arc. I think once you start with the premise of a phone app that allows communication with the dead, you do have to go in the direction of comedy. A little more humor here would help.

The spider and scorpion getting in the breakfast was a bit much.

I still would rather have the app from the bud light commercial, but this would be a cool one to have too.

Nice work overall.

A DANCE IN THE DARK

If you're new to SS, welcome! Here we go.

Pet peeves: JO could be a female name. Go with JOE. No confusion. And how many people do you know named ORION? Also, the first slug should be diner. And no need to describe a place as typical. Okay relax. I’m done.

The setting was Gothic inspired when the couple is in the basement. The ghost was bad when he sabotaged the dinner plate and his intentions were misunderstood.

The story is talking heads in a restaurant. In other words, how visually exciting would an audience find this? But there was some action going to the basement, the dancing.

The main hook was a phone app which raises questions like how does it work? I don’t think the phone app was needed. They could have been cold called by the ghost and gone from there. Would have upped the tension.

The story does have a message for couples. The tone was more light than horror.

Writing was fine.

GOOD.

Gary

Light-hearted, kind of warm and fuzzy. The tone dipped into the dark a few times, I expected something sinister to happen but it never did. It could use one really good moment of terror, something to scare them straight to be convincing.

Not bad. The dialogue is decent but on-the-nose, and while isn't much depth to the characters they aren't simple cut-outs either. Good effort.

I like the premise, although I thought it was strange how Jo was so willing to follow the directions into the basement, when the ghost just put a scorpion in his food, and told him to die. The rest of the story is sweet, except for the spider at the end, which didn't make much sense to me. I say if you stuck to the humor and romance side, it would work well.

Gothic Horror? Not even close.

Not bad little story though. The idea of a ghost hunting phone app was fun.

I hate to copy, but...

Gothic Horror?  Are you frickin' kidding me?

I'm out after 2 pages.  So many issues all over the place and no atempt to follow the challenge.

Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC.

Not gothic, but I really liked the premise of this.  The snappy banter back and forth for the couple was fun and enjoyable.  And the idea of a ghost attempting to patch up a relationship was pretty neat, too.  Oh and the waitress/cook dialogue also worked.

Did I think it worked as is as a whole?  Not quite.  The conversations did drag a bit, could've flowed more naturally.  You could probably chop about 3 pages off this baby, tighten everything up and have a gem on your hands, with a little bit of work.  

Re: the exposition on the fire.  Too...exposition-y.  Have them discover an old newspaper, with the article circled.  Something along those lines.  After all, the ghost's more interested in repairing their relationship than telling them about his story.

Oh- and make it a bit harder for them to sneak into the basement.  Think they got in there a bit too easily...and written right, the process could make for even more humor.

In general, good submission.  Enjoyed the read!

This was fairly written and had good dialogue and format but the story is just a mess.
A phone app that detects ghosts - and works?
Dancing in a diner basement?
Nothing remotely gothic about it.

Well I dunno if this really fit the challenge, and it is a bit silly, ghost ap on the phone seems like something they may put in the new ghostbusters film. Din't really feel gothic at all. still it was written well but i think it failed the requierments of the OWC.

the writer tried for something different here and it was not bad.

A little too talky for most of it, but, yeah, nice effort.

I stumbled at the spelling of the man's name, had to quickly revise the characters in my head.  Then I  didn't really get interested in the characters until the last few pages, but I think the ending worked, for the story.
Good job creating a memorable ghost, too.

Smartphone use complaints in a gothic tale? Hmmm.
A ghost detecting smartphone, I wish!
This is sounding more like Fringe by the second.
How come no one noticed the scorpion on the plate sooner?
Virtually all talk with little adherence to the OWC rules.
There’s only one thing missing from this ghostly smartphone app.
I kept waiting for a joke about “roaming charges” for ghost radar.
Oh yeah, I so went there.

Regards,
E.D.

Flowed very nicely, I thought the dialogue was very competent and established the characters well. I would've used CONTINUOUS's in all the sluglines after the first, but that's a very minor technical detail. Very nicely written throughout.

However, I didn't quite follow the logic of the initial threatening messages and the scorpion when the ghost was not adverserial. And the final spider was even more confusing. The constant shots of a single word on a smart phone screen might be visually cumbersome if filmed. And is it Gothic? I won't even hazard a guess.

But overall, one of the more enjoyable entries so far.

Hello Vince,

I'm a sucker for happy endings and rom com's (I think that's a bit unusual around here so keep it quiet) so I liked this and I think it has the potential to be a heart warming short.

Yes, it has flaws but after 30 scripts of long shadows, over grown weeds, locked doors, and leaf devils(not heard that one before) I appreciated the aim of doing something different.

My comments

If we are to see an arc then the distance between them needs to be clearer at the beginning so that the change is more apparent
The message from the ghost was confused IMO. One minute sinister then next all lovey dovey, but set against a massacre.
The scorpion??
The idea of a phone that does this. I can buy into that if handed properly, eg from her mad scientist brother rather than off the street. It is light hearted after all.

In short it seems about a ghost wanting to feel joy and put it back into the world. Why does he want to do this? Why can't he do it already?

It didn't fit the OWC criteria, but I am glad I read it.

I would like to see this revised.

All the best.