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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rachael Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rachael  (currently 1745 views)
Don
Posted: October 28th, 2011, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rachael by Gabriel Moronta (mr. ripley) - Short, Horror - A man picks up a female hitchhiker.    11 pages - pdf, format


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GM
Posted: October 30th, 2011, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting this up. Gary reviewed it (Thanks Gary). And I'm bumping this up. shamelessly.

Gabe
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dogglebe
Posted: October 30th, 2011, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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This was only okay for me.  While your writing style is very clean (formatting error on page 5). I found the story to be lacking.  It read like a rushed and more brutal version of Hard Candy.

Characterization of Joel and Rachel wee good for a short.  Story, however, was kind of weak.  Thinks happened and I had no reaction to it.


Phil
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GM
Posted: October 30th, 2011, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Phil.

I realized that I was entering cliche territory here but I decided to go with it since that's what came to me.  This is far better than what I originally had in mind ( I was planning to write this up as a second entry for the previous OWC, the one room setting, but thought against it.) I'm at least learning on how to control myself in terms of writing something quickly and submitting it quickly. lol.

Never saw that movie. Will check it out if possible.

Thanks for the characterization remark. I was really worried about the two characters especially for Joel.

I'll see what I can come up with to improve the story.

Thanks again,
Gabe
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Gabe

Saw your request and thought I would take a look. Please accept my comments come from a novice

I'm still learning format but noted your have various mini slugs without description, they go straight into dialogue. I assume this is right?
P2 is has meant to be as?
"one advice of caution" - is this what you meant?
Not sure about the references to Bachman - does it serve a purpose?
You mention "passes in frame" again the advice I"m given is not to describe the camera element. Just saying.
Dehydration - any reason for this?
P7 Rachel dialogue is off centre
P8 - " so much is said between them" ? But they are silent?

Overall I liked the idea of the tables being reversed but I was left with uncertainty about what Rachel is, what the others are etc? Why the tree up his backside?

Hope some of that is useful

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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GM
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Reef Dreamer

SPOILERS

Thanks for the review. No worries in regards to your comments. I've learned that in screenwriting, almost everything is debatable.  . Just gotta know the rules first before you can try to change them a bit.

Mini slugs with no description - my two characters are in a car. The reader would always find them in the car. Granted I could have written them do something in a car but it would be pointless since Joel will still be driving and Rachael will still be in the passenger seat.

"P2 is has meant to be as?" Don't get this? can you explain a bit.

Bachmann - serves for chatter. a way to get to know the characters. It also serves as a reference to Stephen King for me.

Car passes in frame - it's a cool visual breaking point for the dialogue. I'm also against mentioning the camera in scripts but like I said in the beginning. some rules can be broken. Not saying I'm special, just saying you can break rules at times. I only mention it twice and one of my reviewers, Gary (Grademan), suggested that phrase so I used it.

Dehydration - chatter. characterization.

dialogue off centre- where? If your mentioning the " You have to do what you have to do line", I did it on celtix and it accepted it as dialgoue.

so much is said between them - I'm referring to their expressions. They convey their communication through their expressions. Joel being scared and Rachael dominating I saw this as a way of cutting alot of cliche dialogue that would have gone here.

Joel's a killer, was going to kill Rachael, but the tables got turned on him.

the backside - Rachael's form of punishment.

Thanks Reef. Hope I explained myself adequately. Have anymore questions or seek more clarification or want me to read something, let me know.
Gabe
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Gabe

Just clarifying

P2 -The man says " what you going has" should it be "as"?

P7 I think - on my PDF Rachael and her dialogue is not in position, that's all

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe,

Always my pleasure to look through an SS veteran's new material.

Two out of your first three action descriptions are orphans.
Sends a not so great visual message to the reader.
Those lines can be reclaimed, unless you did it on purpose for some reason.

P. 4  I'm unsure how the hidden compartment and crowbar works.
       How does Rachael not see him do that while he's driving?

P. 5  The margins are off when Rachael says "no" the first time.

P. 5  I noticed you dropped your exterior slug time of day after page two.
       I guess I'm to assume that every unlabeled shot is day?

P. 7  Set up a lot of plot convenience to nab Rachel.
       The phone that isn't set up, a shot of it in Rachel's car might help.
       I don't know why he wouldn't have that crowbar under the seat.
       He's obviously planned this, so why have it in a hidden compartment?

P. 8  Doesn't make a lot of sense to me Rachael wouldn't pretend to be scared.
       She stands a better chance of fooling him while she's working the cuffs.

For a while, I honestly thought you were going a different route.
I think it would be awesome if Rachael took a left turn with the upper hand.
She's actually turned on Joel tried to kill her.
They're both budding serial killers, right?

So, why not have her initiate a hot sexy dominant roleplay with Joel? Then she leaves him there after she takes his ID, and can now make a "house call".

That's where my mind went anyways. Deviant thing that it is.
Think about it.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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GM
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey Reef dreamer,

I see what you were talking about. Duly noted.

Hey Brett,

Thanks for the review.

Orphans - simply trying to keep it lean and short. lol. have more white space on the page.  It makes sense but if it's a real concern I can fix it.

p4 - Rachael's looking out her side of the window while Joel gets it.

p5 - I'll fix that.

p5 - this dialogue is taking place daytime. But I was thinking of making it night. Not sure though since it will be easier to film at daytime.

p7 - he didn't plan it. it's a spur of the moment for Joel. And, Rachael was lying about not having her cell but I guess that i can make that a bit clearer.

p8 - I wanted to signal the reader that something fishy is going on here.

I'm intrigued by that budding serial killer idea like Natural Born Killers but I don't think it would work in this case (the character background I set up for her won't allow it). I didn't delve deep into her character as I would like to in this script but I have a feature in mind for her.

I appreciate the idea though. Thanks for the review. Let me know if you any questions or would like a review for one of your scripts.

Gabe  
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Forgive
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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There was at least an element of a story here - I assumed when I was reading it that Rachael was some kind of Vampire? Not too sure now, having read some of the feedback.

The only problems that I had with it - I felt that the dialogue was a little unrealistic in places, may have been better to have a little awkwardness during the initial stage.

I felt that some of the action lines needed a bit more zip to them - 'clunking' someone on the head is a bit comedic - this could have been used to stage some tension - to look into the character of the bloke - he could have 'stared at her limp form' etc, there's no sense of him being exited, nervous, stimulated etc - and this section is a defining part of the script - I think it needs to excite a bit more.

The ending, I was unsure about - stick up da' bottie - reminded me of 'Me Myself & Irene' (Rooster up the butt) - do you want people to laugh or, um, something else?
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irish eyes
Posted: October 31st, 2011, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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I noticed quite a few errors, especially on commas. " , and "      you don`t follow  a comma with `and` just take out the comma.

pg4  JeweRLy    Also pg4   The traveling. the downside    Obviously a capital T needed.

`Continued` at the bottom and then `continued` at the top of the next page...is that a software issue? not needed.

A lot slugs not depicting day or night or continuous or later.

You need to let your actions flow more... for example Pg7 He goes to the trunk, opens it, takes out a duffel bag and closes it... It`s like 4 steps.
Maybe something like... Joel suspiciously pulls out a duffel bag from the trunk,  slamming it firmly shut behind him....IMO  It just gives it a little bit more zest

Again.. He puts her down and secures her to a tree.... maybe you could be a little bit more creative.

Rachael didn`t seem too concerned from being hit with a crowbar and tied to a tree...Her response... Is this part of your job too?  a little too casual for me.

Rachael (O.S) C`mon        why is she off screen, they are having a fight...again IMO more dramatic if they are in the same scene.

I honestly have no clue about the phone call at the end or who is the group or why she responded upset...

Not a bad little story, one I`ve seen before, I think in a Twilight Zone episode..

You really have to make a bit more suspenseful, it kinda drags a bit..
.
Maybe instead of silence at the start, have the car  radio broadcasting a serial killer on the loose(killing hitchhikers)  and depict Joel as the stereotypical serial killer...Who of course runs into sweet innocent beautiful Rachael and make it twist that Rachael is actually the serial killer they  are after and Joel was just another victim...Just an Idea.

I know it`s a short and there is only so much you can jam in....So good job on that and keep writing.

Mark


Mark


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GM
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review Sil and Irish

First Sil,

Dialogue is hard to capture but I will go back and review it. In regards to the awkwardness, Joel starts the conversation. He ain't shy.

I'll review the descriptions again. Clunk is what came to me.

The ending - I originally wanted something scary, but couldn't think of anything. I didn't want anything bloody like body parts strewn around since it didn't seem right for this. Rachael wants to punish this man. Dying is not the only fear.

It never came across to me that connection btw the two films. I've seen it but i didn't think abut it. I guess horror is supposed to have some comedic elements in it. That ending's mine.

Hey irish,

I'll go over the grammer. I'll fix the continued.

The slugs - I didn't want to repeat day. I think it's obvious especially on pg.9 when i mention the time change. I totally understand though but I'm just making my point.

Rachael was prepared for this. Joel wasn't. Rachael's casualness is my way of hinting at the reader that something's fishy.

O.S. - she needed to move away from the tree that was blocking her. And, she's blocking Joel from getting his bag. I try to be visual in my writing.

The ending connects this short to my other shorts I have posted in my sig. Her character background dictates that she sound upset. I have a feature in mind with these characters that I can flesh them out more.

radio - I originally had something similar in the original draft. Decided to take off because it was exposition (Gary advised me on this) and I thought it would be better if you didn't know anything of what was going to transpire.

Thanks again Sil and Irish. Appreciate it.

Gabe

Revision History (1 edits)
GM  -  November 1st, 2011, 7:35am
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GM
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia

Thanks for the compliment. I hope I can continue this especially with the feature.

I think I have a way of fixing the ending. I'm going to expand it a bit more. I have some scenes in mind.

Dives quietly - point taken. I'll eliminate quietly.

female raises her hand - I'll see if i can fix this. I got something in mind.

Slugs - I'll put the time. Majority beats out the minority.

Has- damn typo.

Joel's car - that's my little note to the director on what to do. I know it's a no-no but I needed a break in between the dialogue and I thought it would be something typically done.   

grins - will find another word or action to replace grin.

formatiing- yeah...just caught it. will fix.

starting new scene - alright. I'll mention names. thanks for the tip.

thanks for the review. If you want something read, hit me up.
Gabe
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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hey Gabe,

after reading the previous comments, i have a better understanding of what's going on. i, too, noticed several spelling/grammar mistakes, but i won't point them out (because others have already done so).

therefore, i'm going to focus more on the characters and the story. IMO this one didnt really offer anything new. nothing surprised me and it echoed other, more intriguing films such as Hard Candy (seriously, go watch it now...it's awesome). i think my biggest problem with the script was joel. i literally felt nothing for him. in fact, he deserved to have his balls chopped off.

hard candy is so engrossing because its filled with both doubt and a complex character dynamic. i'm not saying that what you have here is bad, i'm just saying it could be so much more. i would layer it a bit.

anyways, i think with a few more rewrites, this script could be bad ass. just needs to be developed a bit more.

as for the writing, i really dig your style. its concise, clean, and to the point. some may not like it, but IMO, it leaves more up to the imagination.


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GM
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Thanks albinopenguin,

I see what your saying. I wanted this to be simple. I have a tendency of complicating things. But you guys and gal have given me some food for thought.

I have some ideas in mind on how to probably fix this.

Thanks albinopenguin and phil for the compliment on my writing. I finally understand the importance of writing less does.

Gabe
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