Visitors by David Ebri - Drama, Mystery, Suspense - When a group of unrelated hitmen show up at their hit's birthday party, tensions mount as they race to find out who to trust and who to kill before the birthday boy arrives. 127 pages - pdf, format

Someone once said that if you're going to describe how someone drinks a coffee in a screenplay, then the coffee better be poisoned.

I think I liked the dialogue in this, but it kept on getting interupted by unnessesary narrative, which mainly constituted sipping wine. I think descriptions are very useful in breaking up dialgue - but not to the point where it is destructive to the flow of the dialogue.

The 'Hundreds are gathered' is made redundant by the 'crowded with men and women' line.

Not too sure why you didn't give the guy with a 'tash a name - maybe explained later on but didn't get that far due to the dialogue being persistently broken up...

I like the way you break up the action lines - I think that is effective.

Dialogue begins mid story, which I also think is a good technique - adds mystery and intrigue.

A re-work would make this easier to read, and I suspect it could be a good script, if only I could get further into it...

Hey David, sorry to say this, but this all reads so incredibly awkwardly, it's almost funny.

Your sentence structure is really messed up.  Many of these "sentences" aren't actually sentences.  If you're trying to write in short "screenplay structure style", you're not doing that either.  It comes off as a weird hybrid and doesn't work at all.  You have so many lines that are missing the subject - these read very poorly and also cause your readers to pause to try and figure out exactly who or what you're referring to - bottom line - don't do this...write complete sentences unless you really know how to write short screenplay lines for an entire script, which few actually do.

Your Slugs are off and make it impossible to visualize any of this.

You need to use all CAPS when first introing characters - any and all characters, inclduing "men and women".

The name "Mustache'd Man" is ludicrous and actually a howler because you've misspelled it even.  No apostrophe in in "mustached".

I hope this helps and I apologize if it comes as as harsh.

Best of luck and Happy Holidays!