Hoe My Ride by Josh Bushman - Short, Comedy - Think Pimp My Ride, but instead of mechanic's this show has homeless people that love to strip the rich's automobiles. In this episode they are ripping off a spoiled princess that goes by the name Kelli, however, things don't go as planned. 7 pages - pdf, format

first things first, improve your log line.

i like sketches (and have written quite a few...with varying results), so i decided to check this one out. let's dive right in shall we?

"If you dont understand what I'm saying?" This line makes no sense. Even xhibit wouldnt utter such nonsense. actually i take that back.

half way through page one and things arent looking too good. the kelli with an "i" bit is not entertaining in the least bit. scrap it.

no need to specify all the camera shots (ie close up)

dialogue needs work. i realize that the protag needs to speak to the camera directly but snazzy it up a bit. make a joke out of it even.

page 2 is just bad. dont know where to begin. why does a nerd have a tan? why is the camera man, who was hesitant about stealing the car while hiding in the bushes, now calling the nerd names? theres no consistency here...

congrats. you made vomit unfunny.

you know what an eight track player is. at first i thought you were young, but now im second guessing my assumption...

descriptors should never go past 4 lines.

checks tells razzle to pass the hammer in the descriptors. your formatting needs work.

only capitalize characters' names once.

i'm at page 5 and i feel as though i have critiqued this too far.

good lord, i'm a sucker for punishment because i finished it. scrap this one. its not funny in the least bit. to top everything off, the ending doesnt make any sense whatsoever. you dont even get to see kelli's reaction to her car.

i've written some duds too so dont get discouraged.

Managed to read this a few days ago but didn't have much to say.

But you haven't got many comments so here I am =D

I thought this had potential but not how you executed it. It looked like you were trying too hard to be funny and at the end I felt like pulling my eyes out because of the bad jokes.

You need to break up the action paragraphs for a more smoother read. You had some unfilmables in there but nothing too big.

The Kelly with an I joke was understandable but it wasn't that funny. It seems like they were trashing her car just because of her name.

Some of the dialogue was trying to hard to be *ghetto*. Like, "Yeah, I got a great idea, check it." It sounded like Skinny Pete off breaking bad. I didn't know if you were trying to go for a white gangster approach but it didn't work for me. Maybe make them like the Monster Garage type characters.

But the thing that bugged me the most was the ending. Wow! Was that a let down. I was expecting a great reaction from Kelli but it never happened! I think the point of the show would be to see their reaction at the end!

A good rewrite could make this better. Keep writing =D

I also thought this had potential, I thought Kelly with an I wasn't that great a running joke. I also thought there was too much pointless physical humor towards the end.  Overall just keep writing and work on the suggestions I and others have given, it was a unique little skit that with refinements could be funnier.

When I read the logline, even though it needs much work, there was a good idea here.

When I started reading I didn't like the way Ron intro'd the show. It sounded weird. And not long after the comment about the ass hanging out...wasn't sure if you meant plumber butt or ghetto pants on the ground with this. Right off the characters mixed with their descripts and dialogue doesn't  work for me.

The dialogue is not good. It needs major work.

This could have been a really cute, hysterical comedy, but I didn't like what you did with it. Rethink. Rewrite IMO...keep working on it.

Okay. I think I get where you are coming from - this is either a short anarchic sketch, or a web job. The idea's okay if you're into that kind of thing, but the script needs polishing - I'm guessing this is something that you'd do for yourself, not something you'd want someone else to film? If you're the W/D then it's okay - if not, then you need to sharpen things up, so that it's clear what is happening - have you had other people read this (people you know) and ask them to give you feedback?

penguin cracks me up, dude is relentless, but he's helping because everything he said is pretty much true.  this would have been the framework for an idea for a SNL sketch that aired at 12:14 in 2001.