Mission To Paradise by Bryson G (13thchamber) - Short - After losing his girlfriend, Lawrence decides that he has to get her back.  6 pages - pdf, format

Hello.

It looks like your new to this so I will try to help you out as much as I can. (Dw, I am also new )

Mistake in the third sentence.
"SAMUEL (25), the patron next to Lawrence, also his best friend." If someone were to film this, nobody would know that Lawrence is Samuel's best friend. If you can't see it on screen, then it shouldn't be used in a script. But this type of mistake is very common if you're new to script writing.

Page 3: You spelt moustache wrong but no biggie.
You spelt Well wrong too.

Page 4: "That’s cause we’re broken up." The sentence seems too sudden to me. Maybe just take it out all together and replace it with an "Um.."
Also, it doesn't make sense. Maybe you were trying to say "That's cause we broke up."?

Page 5: "Lawrence sits on a park bench. The cold weather, unforgiving. Lawrence rocks back and forth to help keep warm." A few mistakes in that sentence. We don't know it's cold if somebody films this. Maybe take away " The cold weather, unforgiving" and " to help keep warm". Instead, show us why it is a cold day out. Maybe say it's windy or there is frost on the bench. It is a much better approach.

"ZAHRA (OS)" It should be (O.S) but nothing to worry about.

"You always we’re persistant."We're was not used correctly in this sentence. We're stands for we are. "You always we are persistent." See? Doesn't make sense. Also, you spelt persistent wrong.

Now, for the story. It didn't make any sense at all. From start to finish, it was looking like you were building up to something but nothing happens. I was confused by the end. It didn't establish anything. Was the point that Zahra was testing Lawrence to see if he was loyal to her or not? If it was, then you need to build the script up to this.

It seems strange that when Zahra is talking to Lawrence and she doesn't recognize him. He was wearing a moustache and glasses but that isn't enough for somebody to not know who their ex is.

When you introduce Zahra, you don't tell us what she looks like. I couldn't imagine who she was because there was nothing I knew about her.

Your writing wasn't too bad. It looks like your new to this. You should read some scripts on here and after awhile you will know what is right, and what is wrong. It helps a lot(Trust me.)

The story had some kind of potential hidden in there but it wasn't "in your face" enough to know what is going on.

But keep on writing and reading scripts and you will get better.

I am also new to script writing so hopefully a regular on the boards comments and tries to help a bit more than me.

But don't be scared off by this. From what I have seen on here, it is very common that the first script isn't very good. So just keep on writing and you will get the hang of things .

Thanks for the feedback fellow writer. This one was cut to the bone to keep it short. Thanks for the critique. I'll take everything you said into the next project. Thanks again man. I'll be looking for your work, later on...

Hey 13

I didn't find the writing too troublesome. There is some passive language, it needs some polish, and the wrylie use is more than usual, but nothing really interfered with the read.  The dialogue flowed reasonably well.

Only problem I had is that I feel I've missed something. I don't think I got the point of things. Far as I can tell, a guy breaks up with his girl for unknown reasons, perhaps because he thought she was cheating on him, then he decides to get her back. He adopts a strange disco disguise, which arouses no suspicion in the bank, and which fools his ex girlfriend, until the mustache falls off. She kicks him out, meets him in the park, and they get back together.

Is that it? I must have missed something. I'll check back if you want to discuss. Sometimes things go over my head. I feel like this must be one of those times.

for starters, there are A LOT of mistakes in this one. nawazm11 gave you some great advice, so definitely listen to him.

his head hung low should be "his head hangs low"

furthermore, you have two sentences with the word "also" following each other. although this isnt a mistake per se, it just doesnt sound good to keep repeating yourself

"i dont know why you up here complaining" ... seriously?

finished it. i honestly don't know what to say. like leitskev, i dont know if i missed something or if these characters are the most unrealistic people i've ever met. so this chick gets back with the protag because he dressed up as a 70's character and tried to sneak into her work? by the end of the one scene, she calls security on him. why in the hell would she suddenly have a change of heart between then and the park scene?

i'm so confused. i hope theres more to this story. because right now, it's barely a story at all.

Yeah this wasn't my best work. I skipped out on details to keep it short, and ended up dismantling the story. Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate all of it. I'll be on the prowl for you guys scripts. Later on...

Quoted from leitskev Only problem I had is that I feel I've missed something.

This is the key to story-telling... everything you need to say and no more.

Some stories you can jump in cold, and it works well. But your story is about emotional injury and hurt feelings. You have to be sensitive, and let people know where things stand - most importantly - how people feel.

Unfortunately - you don't really care about how people feel - you don't even care enough about how people look. Most shorts need to be pared down, but to give this the correct emotional impact, you need to fill in a lot more here - you need to feel how the character are feeling, and it's tricky getting that across in visual form via the written form.

Truth is - you tried a script that is too hard for you to write. Either go for easier subject matter or invest more into getting this right, and you could have something worthwhile.