Responsible Man by Yuri S Timoshenkov (timoff) - Short, Action, Drama - A father is trying to prevent his son from a dangerous hobby - following his example. The son is trying to defend his freedom proving he's a responsible man... in a very dangerous way. 10 pages - pdf, format

The long paragraphs can be a turn off.  Also, in certain places, they provide too much exposition (telling rather than showing).

I liked the story. I would have liked the gun to be Kevin's rather than Nick's. There's just something symbolic about how Kevin lectures Nick, and then the little girls end up with Kevin's gun. Then they shoot Nick in the leg with it after jumping off the plane.

The only thing I don't get is how the criminals can get the parents but leave out these little girls.

I get some of themes you're trying to express here. With a little polishing, you'll really have something.

kingcooky555, thanks for reading. I appreciate your advice.

Quoted from kingcooky555 I would have liked the gun to be Kevin's rather than Nick's.

If it wouldn't be air-soft, it would be real and deadly and I'm not sure I like to turn the story the bloody way.  

Quoted from kingcooky555 There's just something symbolic about how Kevin lectures Nick, and then the little girls end up with Kevin's gun.

A strong move. I'll think about it.

Quoted from kingcooky555 With a little polishing, you'll really have something.

Thanks again.

Actually, I'm a pro in my home market (in Russia), I've sold more than 10 TV movie scripts, most filmed. I want to move on to a better and more sophisticated market.

Hey Tim,

This didn't do for me at all I'm afraid to say.  You have no fade in and didn't change the slug for a new location when you enter the plane on page 1. You also fail to capitalize the main protagonists on their first introduction, a lot of people would have probably stopped by now.

You have overdone the descriptions IMO and like kingcooky said in the previous post, your paragraphs are too long and will turn a lot of people off.  You also have to cut the adverb words.

Would Marshall's really ask citizens to have their guns oiled up and reloaded?  That doesn't seem realistic to me, also for a very inexperienced skydiver it seems to me that Nick would never be able to control his landing or be able to land in his own back garden like that.  I haven't done much skydiving so maybe I'm wrong but I don't think it's that easy to control your descent without experience.

I not even going to go into why his sisters shouldn't have weapons or why a 18 year who doesn't have much money would have a glock.

Read some shorts on here and try to participate, there's a lot of good experienced writers on this site who could help you I'm sure.

Sorry If I seem harsh but I am trying to help.  Please ask if you wish me to clarify anything you feel isn't correct in what I have said.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Steve, thank you for reading and, please, don't mind to be harsh – you actually weren't.

Quoted from CoopBazinga You have no fade in and didn't change the slug for a new location when you enter the plane on page 1. You also fail to capitalize the main protagonists on their first introduction, a lot of people would have probably stopped by now.

I'll do that in a rewrite after I'll get some more feedback. Thanks.

Quoted from CoopBazinga You have overdone the descriptions IMO and like kingcooky said in the previous post, your paragraphs are too long and will turn a lot of people off.  You also have to cut the adverb words.

This is my usual style, in Russian too. I'll try to adjust to US tastes.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Would Marshall's really ask citizens to have their guns oiled up and reloaded?

Two of my fellow Americans who checked the script for mistakes and wording didn't find it unusual. Is it?

Quoted from CoopBazinga That doesn't seem realistic to me, also for a very inexperienced skydiver it seems to me that Nick would never be able to control his landing or be able to land in his own back garden like that. I haven't done much skydiving so maybe I'm wrong but I don't think it's that easy to control your descent without experience.

That's a point. But what most people like in the movies is not eternal truth or realism, isn't it?

Quoted from CoopBazinga I not even going to go into why his sisters shouldn't have weapons or why a 18 year who doesn't have much money would have a glock.

Are airsoft weapons very expensive in Australia? in US? In Amazon they're not.

Quoted from CoopBazinga Read some shorts on here and try to participate, there's a lot of good experienced writers on this site who could help you I'm sure.

I keep on doing exactly that, you're right.

See you!