The Next Time Round by Charlie Borchard - Short, Thriller, Sci Fi - A man, known only as "94" wakes trapped in a plain white room. A timer ticks down from ten minutes, and mysterious messages are being sent for him to decipher. What happens when the timer stops ticking? 4 pages - pdf, format

Very interesting concept, Charlie.  Has a Twilight Zone appeal to it in a good way.  I enjoyed it.

Hi Charlie,

Had a quick look. You active on SS? Remember to read and review if you want others to follow.

Ok, this is a bit off the wall and leaves you either slightly disappointed, or in a state of reflection, maybe both. It's challenge is that it is not a story, really. It's a moment, and a weird one at that.  It leaves many unanswered questions. Now that's fine on some occasions but are there too many here? If a short is too vague to be it then becomes a conflict between style and substance.

Format wise it probably needs a tighten. Mind you it is clear about what it aims to show, but basics like FADE IN still apply.

Remember if the format is sound it will be given more serious attention, along with credibility from reviewing others. If you want to post more, become active.

At the end there is the impression he knows something about this, but throughout it is suggested that he doesn't. Is this intended? Contradictory?

Also IMPROVISATION - sounds too much like direction for a script. All you need to describe is what he does.

Finally, the use of HE in the log line doesn't work for me. It suggests I already know this person, I don't. Others are better at this than me, but all you need to do is use A MAN etc

All the best.

I normally like sci-fi thrillers but this just had too many unanswered questions for me.

I thought the formatting was also off, why was the only character just called a man?  Surely he could have had a name, i would have felt more connection with the character IMO

I think I understood the story, it reminded me of a film called Triangle which was bad but an interesting premise.  At least you leave it open for a sequel, a great teaser at the end.  What could happen next?

It is a nice concept, you just need to open it up a bit more, give us more information for it to work.

Good luck with it.

Steve

Call me harsh, but I couldn't read this. "We" and "Our" these should not be here. Your main concern as a writer is the story. You have shots in your script, that's a "no-no". Leave the shots to the director and the DOP (director of photography) as a screenwriter you should focus on writing the story not directing the shots and so on. I'd say look at other peoples work on here. I'm rolling the dice on this, but I'm guessing you read a script by a writer/director (Nolan, Tarantino, etc.) and they had the "We" and Our" thing happening. That's fine...for them, as they both write and direct their own films, your main focus however should be on screenwriting, not directing. Good luck to you.

I read this. I agree with the problems stated above....directing...improvised....etc.

I think if you have one character in your script, you definitely better give him a name and develop his character a little better.

The story just didn't do anything for me. It was just one big scene.

hey charlie, gave it a full read and i like it. however i did notice that your one and only slugline is a bit off. maybe reading from the produced scripts catalog on simply will help with that. it's such a small problem; purely cosmetic. and as with most of us here, the descriptions are somewhat long and overdetailed: pg 2 "a red button in a glase case fills the left of our view.' this sort of reminds me of a hobson's choice scenraio where no choice is any better than the other choice. nice mental conflict there, charlie. and if MAN has a name he'dbe even more real. he is salient and not just bc he's the only real character, but bc his emotion and need are clearly evident and his goal sought is real to him and it drives him fwd. great job of characterization. so, if there's one big deal for me regarding your script it owuld be that your dialogue blocks are bit long. three to four lines are what's looked for -- from all i've read and been told it is anyway, and less is better if you can. the one principle that i let guide me when writing is that producer's or whomever will read your script with eyes toward purchasing or optioning or offering you a gig will want to read spare, tightly written, fully detailed(necessary ones) that motivate the reader and in turn the viewer to want to read more and see more of your work. i hope my amateur feed helps out -- that's what i'm here for is to get better personally and hopefully share what i know in a positive way with other unproduced artists. so, keep it positive and keep writing.

p.s. i bought syd field and david trottier's books on screenplay writing when i began my trip into screenwriting. they're great and there are others out there as well. so read up on what the have to offer -- read more produced scripts and unproduced too and whatever happens -- just keep challenging yourself to write better each time out and you'll soon notice positive changes in your writing.

Interesting idea hurt by a confused script. This is too short, in order for it to really get the readers intrigue I think it needs to be longer. You have the timer set at Ten Minutes, have the script be Ten Pages.

Let us get to know the character more, right now he awakens, pushes a button, says some mystics things then is "rebooted". Means nothing to me. It's too cold. Let me get to know him so that when he is "rebooted" I care about it. As of now, I don't.

Bring his frustration out more, it reads too quick. I'm not afraid to say I have no idea where you were going with it, even if there was a point. You say it's important to know how we are "visualizing" it. But why....let us know.