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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Question of Wealth Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Question of Wealth by Simon (SiColl007) - Short -  A girl is forced to question her relationship with her wealthy suitor. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  December 27th, 2011, 9:12pm
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TheSecond
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Simon, help me out man...  What the hell is going on here?!  I tried hard to follow the storyline and what not - read through the script twice - and still nothing?  

Just a couple of talking heads?  

ps, there's a typo in the logline...  shame, shame!  
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Forgive
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - I see the typo - had to read it twice as well. Shame indeed. [fixed, bert]

I didn't think everyone would like it, so I'm braced for a kickin'.

It's just about motivation and relationships. If you have money you go with beautiful girls. So if you don't have money you go with ordinary ones 'cause you don't have money. Or you could go with ordinary ones 'cause you like them, whether you have money or not. So it's a get rich and stick to your principles type of script. Glad it makes sense now.
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mmmarnie
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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Pg. 1 - got together with a couple of guy(s)
- He almost "winches".  A winch is a vice/clamp.  Do you mean winces? To say he almost winces is weird.  Either he does or he doesn't.
- Robert has choppy dialog twice on this page that doesn't really make sense.  Tammy asks him "Does it feel weird" and he says, "Does it..."  That's an odd response.  And then he goes to answer and says "Feels. . ."  is she interrupting him?  Even if she is it doesn't flow well.

As I read further I realized that most of the dialog was like that.  Everyone finished each other's sentences throughout.  I think you went over board with that. It really came across very choppy.

I get what you were trying to do here but I think it needs some depth. I do like the idea though.  But I'm not sure what his last bit of dialog meant when he said he had to ask her a question.  

Keep working on it.  It definitely has potential.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 3:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon,

No fade in.

"a couple of guy" should be guys.

"Winches" Winces i think you mean.

"Robert sit on a bench" sits

I really don't know what to say, I think this could have been played in just one scene but to be honest, like The Second, I don't understand what has just happened? Why did they keep interrupting one another?

Good luck and keep writing.

Happy new year.

Steve.
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Forgive
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve & Marni - thanks for the read - appreciated.

You've both pointed out mistakes that I didn't notice - ta.

As for the dialogue - well they are dealing with tricky issues, and people often begin sentences not knowing exactly where they are going. I tried to keep it light, and with the number of scene changes, the dialogue carries over the scene change - so that on pages 5, Annie's question on the numbers is a direct continuation of the conversation Tammy has with Robert in the restaurant.

I'll have to have a look to see if this is coming across clearly enough - might be a little too obscure..?
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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This has a cute premise and I can see where you're going with it...but the end just fell short for me. I think the dialogue on pages 4 and 5 seemed to drag on, even though it was short chunks. I think the interrupting before the other could finish was overused in this script. This could be a playful, really cute script if it was hashed out differently. The ending needs to answer more questions IMO. Great idea though.
If you rewrite it, I'll be glad to take another look.

Three typos I found..may've been listed already:

pg 1  'Guy' should be guys...."So... I got together with a couple of guy..."

pg 1  He almost winches. ....should be winces I think.

pg 8 Robert sit on a bench, legs akimbo....should be Robert sits...
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Forgive
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
I think the interrupting before the other could finish was overused in this script.


Thanks for the read - (and thanks Bert for the fix.)

You make a good point here - hadn't really considered that - it was just the style that I used - maybe could do with balancing out with a more regular method.

The ending I felt was a weak area; had a couple of ideas,  but couldn't really come up with anything especially strong. I liked the idea of it ending in a question, and hanging, but not sure if the end used really pulled it off.

Thanks for the feedback, anyway.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Hello Simon,

I see you making an effort on the review boards here, so thought I'd give a read.
Anyone that actively participates around here deserves that.

I see many of the typos have already been pointed out.
But the superfluous staccato action descriptions trip up the read too.

P. 2 "Annie stops working." Then, "Annie stocks more shelves."
      Why choke your scene with minutia that doesn't add up?
      Just say something like...
      The women stock shelves as they talk.
      And be done with it, then let your dialogue flow.
      Of course, break up the dialogue chains with needed action, if desired.
      But chopping up lines with random work tasks hampered my read.

P. 4 The coy snippets of dialogue are grating on me.
       Doing it in key moments when you're letting emotions do the talking is great.
       But the near steady stream of fragments puts me at arms length here.

This reads so esoteric to me, that I feel like I'm looking through a dingy window.
Struggling to see what the author wants me to, but I don't get the message.
No one seems to be saying anything that is a finite answer to a moral issue.
Instead we're getting the domestic moments in between those points.

As to ending with an open question.
It's kind of fitting, in that the script left me with a lot of those.
If this couple knew each other well, this wouldn't take eight pages to unfold.

In fact, it could be quite funny if your female protag tried to secretly test him.
She'd make herself appear uber poor to gauge his reactions.
Because she's so sure there's no way this rich guy would adore her.

As written, the whole thing feels like a long ellipses.
I'm sure this plays out quite well in your head.
But try to find a way to get that on the page better.
This all feels very "performance dependent" based on your telegraphed descriptions.
You've plotted out a ton of minute gestures and it strangles the story.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


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Electric Dreamer  -  December 29th, 2011, 11:50am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

A pleasure in returning the read. I won't repeat the format/words issues - every script has some, especially mine.

The main questions to me are;

1) how to use subtle dialogue to extract a deeper sense on meaning the question of the affect of wealth on life/relationships/honesty/jealously of others. A decent foundation. I think you have already recognised it went to far. Like others I actually got lost in some of the exchanges, but I would imagine it wouldn't take much to fix this.

2) underlying plot/story - to me this had the potential for an Officer and a Gentlemen style. One disbelieves, one doesn't. One, Annie in this case, could be harsher, less believing promoting this as caring but actually with an underlying jealously based on "why her and not me". The moral being, be yourself no mater what, and how do friends balance genuine care with their own wishes?? etc

Anyway a few thoughts for you.

Regards


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James McClung
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon,

I think you might just get my prize for most awkward dialogue I've read in a script this year. Not worst, mind you. Just awkward.

Still, it's extremely problematic. The pacing is so brisk, you could hardly say the characters are having conversations. It's more like they're just spouting words and phrases at each other that may or may not have any connection.

This is namely because your characters are constantly interrupting each other and, as a result, speaking in incomplete sentences. Sometimes characters only give one word responses, occasionally one after the other. Sometimes characters don't even give appropriate responses. They may not answer a question or respond to an answer to a question they've asked in a way that makes sense.

All of it results in speedy, almost sing-songy exchanges. It reminded me a lot of a conversation in Alice in Wonderland actually.

Cheshire Cat: If you really want to know, he went that way?

Alice: Who did?

Cheshire Cat: The White Rabbit.

Alice: He did?

Cheshire Cat: Did what?

Alice: Went that way.

Cheshire Cat: Who did.

Alice: The White Rabbit.

Cheshire Cat: What rabbit?

Alice groans.

Cheshire Cat: Can you stand on your head?

...

Somehow, I don't think this is what you want. So my recommendation would be to do the opposite of everything I mentioned above. Complete sentences, dude! And damn it, your characters gotta be more tuned in. Have them respond to each other and not be so ADD.

That's not to say your script made no sense (although I did have to read it twice, which is not good). I can see the theme you're after here. I'd say there was an arc too but you totally dropped the ball at the end. The ending's totally open-ended but I don't think you've provided enough for anyone to speculate what might happen in a way that fits into the story.

In any case, the "story" is flat out dull, to the point where the locations didn't even register for me. There is no significant action going on anywhere in the script. All the focus is on the dialogue and even if the dialogue made more sense, it still wouldn't be that interesting.

Sorry man, but as breezy as this was, I found it extremely listless. Your theme is fine. Do something interesting with it. Honestly, I'd scrap this and come up with something new based on the same idea. Because really, there's so little going on that if you actually fixed up the dialogue and injected some sufficient action into the script, it'd probably take the same effort as writing a brand new one.


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Forgive
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hi E.D. - thanks for the read. Some points:
the superfluous staccato action descriptions - did you mean the dialogue? I'm fairly happy with the descriptions, but I am listening to what people are saying re. the dialogue.

chopping up lines with random work tasks - I tried to use these as punctuations - the stopping work and starting work, I think, does carry a message (directing nervous energy), but this can easily be written out.

No one seems to be saying anything that is a finite answer to a moral issue.
Instead we're getting the domestic moments in between those points. So you did see what I was doing to a degree - I don't think there are finite answers.

Reef Dreamer - Yes, I think you have a good point re. Annie being harsher - her jealousy is referred to later, but I can see it doing no harm to have it portrayed more sharply/aggressively.

Hi James - suffice to say, you didn't like it. It was dialogue based, not action based. There is something going on in the script - just depends on how you like stuff. I don't mind being compared to Lewis Carroll, though I'm sure it wasn't meant as a compliment...

I'm going to leave this script and come back to it in a month or so and read it with a fresh head. Might be one for the shelf.

Appreciate all the feedback none-the-less.

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hi E.D. - thanks for the read. Some points:
the superfluous staccato action descriptions -

chopping up lines with random work tasks - I tried to use these as punctuations - the stopping work and starting work, I think, does carry a message (directing nervous energy), but this can easily be written out.


Simon,

I see what you're saying.
But to me, that's something I prefer to leave in the hands of actors.
They're the real pros in that department, so I tend to let them do their thing.
Unless, I absolutely feel a piece of business is critical to the story.

I look at it this way, I have many characters to worry about.
That actor is likely to have better revelations than I as shooting nears.
So, I try my best to not suffocate their territory, so to speak.

Regards,
E.D.



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albinopenguin
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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some thoughts as i go along

p 1

i never like it when grown men say words like "daddy." more of a personal annoyance, but it does come across as a bit creepy.

does Robert work for the mob? he's super vague in his answer to Tammy

p 2

super confused right now haha BUT i'm intrigued

finished....and i'm still confused. lemme look at everyone elses comments...

okay so i'm not the only one who was a bit befuddled. thats not a good sign.

i think the main problem here is that you didnt make clear, concise choices prior to writing this script. it has potential, but you need to flesh out your characters. the way it stands now, this script could apply to almost any character.

consider this approach. you have a super attractive/rich playboy who tells this average looking girl with a s hitty job that he's only had sex with two people. she thinks he's lying and can't get him to admit that he's had sex with more girls than just two. at the end, she refuses his advances or breaks up with him because SHE can't come to grips with this number. however at the end, you reveal that he has indeed only had sex with two girls.

i like the point your trying to make. i have similar themes in my script. but play around with audience expectation. make the audience side with tammy...and then prove us all wrong.


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Forgive
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I look at it this way, I have many characters to worry about.
That actor is likely to have better revelations than I as shooting nears.
So, I try my best to not suffocate their territory, so to speak.


I totally agree with this - it's just a call on what is or isn't pertinent, but this is something I think we all struggle with - getting that balance right. Problem is that all too soon someone will say 'too much dialogue!':

I wrote a script for a newbie director recently, who sent it back saying not enough action lines - I filled in some actions lines; he sent it off to be script-read - result? Script-reader: too many action lines.

Albinopenguin:
Thanks for the feedback. I'm actually quite happy with the script - I'm looking at the dialogue, as I agree there are issues with it, and I'm interested in some of the details (see post to E.D., above), but aside from that, I'm quite pleased with it. It's simply not to some people's taste's, but I can live with that.

Like I've said. One for the shelf.


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