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Kind of okay in some ways. The formatting is way off, and that needs addressing - as usual, Celtx is free, but there lots of progs out there to help you format.
Ending was a no-no; didn't really say anything, and didn't really fit.
Some of the dialogue was good; but I wasn't sure about the guy crying. Also found my self a bit confused in places - mainly due to the formatting.
Felt like a setup for a long piece, but you'd really need to sort the formatting out before extending it.
The lack of proper formatting, spelling and grammar made this a very difficult read, Aaron. You really should look this stuff over before submitting anything else in the future. Read some script, here, to get an understanding about formatting.
This story was extremely lightweight given the subject matter. You just rushed through it without developing anything. And I got the impression that you didn't research firefighters at all. Nothing rang true in this.
You need to decide what this story is about and rewrite it. As it is, it seems like an opening segment in a some television show.
Regardless, if you're going to write something in such an interesting place, like your Firehouse, then you definitely need to use it to your advantage. Honestly, everyone should be asking and every filmmaker will be asking, why the hell did we just go into this office when we have this great location out here. Offices are f'n boring. We spend all of our time in them in real life, and want so badly for our "writing" to take off so we can get out of those offices, then we turn around and write them into a damn script. I do it too, and I'm going to stop.
And, in college I interviewed firefighters for a project, and even at their weakest, they don't just go in and out of tears, it's either on or off. Same with police. At least, that's what I experienced.
Page 1: "FADE IN-EXT- BUSY NEW YORK STREET - DAWN" - Good to see you use a FADE IN, but this should be:
FADE IN:
EXT. BUSY NEW YORK STREET - DAWN
Capitalize dialogue. Punctuation is needed at the end of sentences.
Why is "REED LOOKS UP AT THE FRONT OF THE FIREHOUSE; "THE REBELS" INSIGNIA ADORNS THE BRICKWORK OVER THE ENTRANCE." in CAPS?
Slugs aren't right (See above)
REED good to be home (under his breath)
Should be:
REED (under his breath) Good to be home.
"REED APPROACHES ONE." - You've aligned this line like you would a bit of dialogue...
"A black and white photo is marked 'June 1995 the rebels" (O.S.) "though i might see you here." - So many things wrong with that...
1) "though" should be "thought" 2) When the voice is first heard, have:
VOICE (O.S.) Thought I might see you here.
3) "i" Should be "I"
- See how many problems I found on just the first page? It took me 15 minutes to note down all that feedback before I was ready to move onto the second page. Not good at all...
Why have you got colons on some lines of dialogue?
I've stopped on page 2.
For me, this was clumsy writing. You lack punctuation. You lack a decent sense of how a script should be formatted. This one needs to be read and read again and again.
Here's another thing, how's about you RESPOND to the feedback you've been getting?! People are taking their time to read this and you throw it in their faces. You've sent in a revision which means you've seen the feedback posted on this thread. There are people in the SS community who can help you out. You just have to start voicing your opinion.
smokemen was originally written in word,then later transferred into celtx,so the formatting may have been a bit messed up,sorry.overall,what do we think plot wise?
Glad to see you up on the boards Aaron, so I gave this a read. Guess you won't be too happy by the feedback - but here it is:
You swap between Kyle and Reed - doesn't help ...
## DEERE stands and hugs Reed -- isn't visually logical - you a desk in there, sd I'm seeing Deere stand up, walk round and kind of bend over and hug Kyle who still sitting and sobbing - not sure that this would happen anyway - more realistic is that Deere would just be really uncomfortable ... ?
The illogic of this is further compounded as Kyle has just told Deere that he's gotten help - so really Deere should be wondering why Kyle's blubbing so - and the "... let it out." doesn't quite fit with that.
As far as this fitting into the story - I'm wondering what kind of hero I'm dealing with here - not exactly a tough-guy if he's sobbin' within two minutes of getting back to work and needs a hug from his boss - let's just say that a proportion of the audience have just gone through dis-association ...
Intro of Briggs is good - probable antagonist & intrigue - and brought in fairly early as well.
The 'into the firetrucks after the alarms sound' - good that you've gone quickly to a situation - that stops things from dawdling.
EXT-TRAFFIC JAM-DAY
... some might contest that 'Traffic Jam' isn't an actual location. Maybe:
EXT. 5TH STREET - DAY
Traffic jam - etc.
---------------------
REED you might be a quality smokey, Briggs, but your an asshole
REED You may be a quality smokey, Briggs, but you're sure an asshole
The flashback to Danny was a little benign - maybe make it partly Kyle's fault, or make Kyle do something to help Danny that fails etc.
The scene going back to Kyle's house is very superfluous - it doesn't move the story forward, adds no tension, we learn nothing, so it's all a bit pointless. Maybe better to go for some kind of bar scene whare Briggs mocks Kyle for fainting.
Page 10 - the script is strting to crumble. It's in desparate need of a clear story-line, and once again, our 'hero' (small 'h') is sobbin' like a baby - he's in need of councelling more than anything - okay, we've a little more conflict, but it's against the background of nothing.
DEERE and you Nate,why didn’t you stop it? DAWSON sorry sir,but he had an axe
... I'm genuinely not trying to offend, but this is a dumb line - it belongs in a dry comedy.
... following on from this - you've rid the script of the main antagonist, so again I'm wondering where the story is going to go ... ?
... and unfortunately, the answer is right down the shute to the dumper truck waiting down below.
Your key problems:
1. If I associate with your protagonist, I'm a cry baby who eventually ends up in a wheel-chair, 'cos in all fairness, I'm just a little useless, and way, way off being a hero.
2. You antagonist has no motivation. Why is he doing these things? He grabs a sandwich from someone and plans a murder?
These things are all the angles that you need to explore instead of going off to Kyles house for a bland half hour.
You need to build more into this - why can't Danny be Briggs' brother - why can't Briggs also be going for a promotion to Kyle's job, when Kyle expectantly comes back etc etc - just stuff that would compel not only Briggs, but any reasonable man to feel pent up anger.
There's really no climax - protag and antag meet in the building - they should square up - fight off - maybe make Nate Kyle's brother, so Nate's bleeding to death - something to up the ante ...
Lastly - grammar & spelling - it's important, and to be frank - no intent to offend, but yours is below par for general expectations here.
This could work; it does have some potential, but you'll need to do a fair bit of work to it.
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Smokemen
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