The Gifted Nurse by Grace Aggrey-Fynn - Short - A young woman with a past of lost loved-ones discovers her gift to heal after she abandons her town for another and there encounters an ailing patient who she miraculously saves from chocking to death while feeding him. 25 pages - pdf, format

I'm certain the logline is a run-on sentence.  That's a bad start.

capitalize names the first time you introduce a character.

spell out "twenty five dollars" instead of writing "$25."

got to page five. this is bad. almost laughably bad. join the boards and reply and i'll comment further. suffice to say, this oozes drama to the point where the audience just doesnt care. we don't care about any of the characters before they're killed because you haven't given us time to care for them. maybe Sara was an ex-Nazi who blew hitler while he was gassing all the kittens in Germany for fun...thus deserving her fate. see the problem?

read some scripts and get a feel for dialogue as well. best of luck with it.

I'm reading the dialogue as the female version of Tommy Wisseau in the Room.  it's great.

but to be constructive, the dialogue isn't real.  "ok, your cost is $25"  no one talks like that.  Watch a movie and take note of how they talk.  You also need to get to the point, while co-workers discuss food and all that, it's just not compelling or necessary.  

once you get the knack, you'll be able to tighten your stories up.  listen to albino, read a few scripts, watch a few movies and do a little research.

Hi Grace - glad to see you posting a short on here - still a little bit long - would be a good excersice for you to up a 5-15 pager.

This is quite good, but as the posts above show, there are some areas that need a little work:

Character development's been referred to, so take that on board.

You're still over-using your parantheticals.

I like the energy of it, and you move the story along quickly, but sometimes I thought it was a little too quick for us to get a clear picture of what's really going on.

Your characters' voice still sound a little to similar - I think you could try and do something that maybe used two-three characters and work at getting them sounding nice and distinct.

Best o' luck.