The Chat Up Line by Steve Cooper (CoopBazinga) - Short, Comedy - Two confident womanizers share a chat up line with a discouraged man to help him with the ladies. 9 pages - pdf, format

hey Steve,

not bad, although i saw the ending coming from a mile away. once finished, i had a lot of questions that kind of go unanswered. this script has several plot holes that need patching.

SPOILERS

first, why does he pull of the wedding ring after his wife calls? if he's going to the club, wouldnt he do this prior? furthermore, after his wife calls, wouldnt he put the ring back on? i think you're trying to portray miranda as flash's mistress but it doesnt make sense logically with the ring

steve should notice how flash interacts with the bartender. he should doubt flash's ability to pick up women. but then have flash point out how within seconds, the bartender went from hating him, to flirting with him (or something along those lines). it gives the side dialogue between flash and the bartender a bit more meaning.

as much as i hated flash as a character, i liked the whole flash gordon thing. made him into an even bigger douchebag.

i'm assuming a "chat up line" is the equivalent of a "pick up line." probably a culture thing. i actually prefer the term "chat up line"

STEVE
Cool! I'm Steve. How do you intend
to help me?

^wasn't a fan of this line. it sticks out like a sore thumb. very on the nose.

now for the big reveal.

we're assuming that the flash and his wife never see each other in the club. but wouldnt she call him once she got there? maybe he should get a call and ignore it. furthermore, what was the pick up line? you put such an emphasis on it, but you never reveal it. i want to know and i think it would shed more light on the situation. furthermore, why Steve? why would an attractive blonde fall for such a loser? wouldnt the flash break it up as soon as he saw Steve grinding with his wife? and why would his wife tell Steve that she swallows? that's pretty brash.

overall, the big reveal feels a bit tired. but like i said before, i enjoyed this. i think it just needs some more flare as well as a bit more thought.

Hey Steve

It's been said many times, and I've said here to others, that sometimes English is the common language that separates us. Clearly there are some differences in lingo that are probably particular to Australian English; or perhaps because I am in my 40s some of the club language goes over my head. In any case, there were times, especially at the outset, that I was a little confused, and this impacted the read. Usually I was eventually able to figure out what was meant earlier, but it tends to take one out of the read when they are confused.

I would say that it ends up being a short with much potential, and should round into shape after a few passes. I thought the ending was pretty cool, and will have more impact when it's set up a little better, or clearer anyway. I'm going to leave this one up so I can maybe read again in the morning and hopefully come up with some helpful suggestions. Actually, I already took notes on the PDF, so I will email to you tomorrow after second read.

Attention SS: Steve has been working hard to read scripts here, so give his script some attention please!

I liked this, it was a fast read and the ending made me laugh. Although I think it doesn't make much sense that the wife would cheat, knowing her husband is in the same bar. Overall good work, looking froward to reading more stuff from you.

Wow that was posted quick, thank you Don.

Hey Will,

This is my first ever script posted and you are my first reviewer so thank you for that, it’s much appreciated that you cracked it open and left a review.

Plot holes! WTF, this is structured just as good as the Matrix sequels.

I agree the plot needs some work or patching as you say but if I’m honest, this was more of a formatting, writing exercise for me, plot was second which is no accuse I understand.

You are right in what you say about the wedding ring but I wanted to exhibit his marriage but in hindsight maybe it could have worked with dialogue or even a white ring line where his wedding ring should be. Good call.

Miranda is Flash’s wife. There does seem to be a little bit of confusion in the beginning which is my fault as the writer for not making it clearer but that’s why I’m here, to learn and improve. I will try to explain it if I may.

Flash is at the Time nightclub which I referenced in the opening slug, he is called by Miranda asking him where he is, so he lies, tells her he is going to another club. This is where he stated “it’s not going to ruin my night” He now believes that he has misled Miranda to another club leaving him to his own devices.

On the same note as revealed at the end, Miranda avoided the club he told her he was going to have her own fun but in the end, obviously they were both misled and went to the same place thinking the other was not there. Man, it does sound confusing but honestly, it did make sense in my head.

A way to combat this would be to have Michael ask him why he lied to Miranda?  Again, it’s a learning curve and I will get there.

I like the idea of Steve watching him flirt with the bartender and agree that this would add to overall concept to the side dialogue.

I’m glad you like hated and kinda liked Flash because I certainly enjoyed writing this character. There’s something pleasing about writing arrogant characters that get what is coming to them.

A chat up line is the equivalent, yes.

Quoted Text STEVE Cool! I'm Steve. How do you intend to help me?

Why did you bring this up, you hit the nail on the head with that on. I hated this line but couldn’t think of another way of rephrasing it, suggestions welcome my friend?

I did have the chat up line in there at the end but took it out because I liked the idea of the reader thinking what it was for themselves. I thought this one was universal and well known so wouldn’t need all the exposition it had. The line by the way is "Do you spit or swallow?"

Why didn’t Flash break it up? Good question. He’s shocked, overwhelmed and downright gutted. Flash thinks everything and everyone revolves around him so when he see’s his wife with the man he was pranking, he doesn’t know how to react, his persona his gone. Notice how polite he is with the bartender at the end. Again maybe I didn’t portray that as I hoped and your feedback will help when it comes to a rewrite with that.

I’m sorry the reveal didn’t work for you but I’m glad that you enjoyed it and that’s half the battle.

Cheers for the feedback, appreciated.

Steve.

Hey, I like this. Nice dialogue and great characters. I agree with most of the things albino said especially not knowing the pick up line!   But it seems that you just told us above,  ""Do you spit or swallow?" I think you should have kept that but that's just my opinion.

I also liked the British Slang. It was humourous and really fit both the characters. Overall, nicely written and some of the better comedies I have read!  

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for the quick read and feedback; your opinions are always appreciated. I look forward to your e-mail where I’m sure you will tear this thing apart.

You’ve brought up a topic that interest me in, vocabulary or universal writing if you will. As this is my first script I chose to stay close to what I know and not get ahead of myself but I know down the track that it is important to learn different forms of vocabulary to enhance as a writer.

Thanks again for the feedback and message that you left for everyone else.




Brandon,

I think that was your name? Thank you for the nice words and support, glad it was a fast read for you and made you laugh. If I can just make can one person laugh then I’m happy.

Sorry about the confusion at the bar, I have explained this in an earlier post.  They didn’t actually know they were at the same place but I will have to make some changes to make it clearer to the reader I think.

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated.

Steve

Steve

Glad to return the read.

First off that's the first script I can recall with the word, mingers! Made me laugh.

As a first effort it's a good stab and hopefully will provide you with some decent experience in pace, structure, foreshadowing etc Overall a sound effort.

Like the others I liked Flash as a character. By using the name you helped strengthen the image in my head.

Steve was a little obvious and maybe just a normal fellow, down on his luck, could be a bit more convincing. He seemed a bit keen, why not a reluctant chap who has nothing to lose?

In terms of the story I think you could strip this down a few pages and have a tigher read. eg less outside. Why have it cold with big coats?

Going into the end there was clearly going to be a reversal, and most likely this involved the wife as she had been set up. One possible end would be the line works, Steve gets the girl but this is is a set up by the bar maid (her mate to wind up flash) only for flash to have a rant about that line never works for me etc as his wife stands behind him. Just thoughts.

All the best.

What is a minger?

A polite description would be a rough, unattractive looking woman. I will let others describe with more colour!

Hey nawazm11,

Thanks for the positive feedback and nice comments, much appreciated. I'm happy the British slang worked for you because this was a worry of mine, that it wouldn't appeal to others but thanks for reassuring me on that. Should I have told the reader the chat up line? Maybe I should have after all the comments but I felt it worked better without it in there.
Thanks again.

Bill,

I honored to think I'm the first to use the word minger and hopefully we will now see it a lot scripts, imagine that.
I agree about this being shortened, originally i wanted it to be 5 to 6 pages but we all have add that little bit extra don't we.
I am delighted that you liked the Flash character. He seems to be downing well with most people even though he's arrogant chump.
Some great suggestions there with the barmaid and something I will keep in mind when coming to a rewrite.

Thanks for the feedback and words of encouragement. especially about the word minger!

Quoted Text What is a minger?

LOL! I think Bill described it well without being too rude.

Steve

For a first script I will applaud your efforts with formatting.  You really did a great job from top to bottom in that respect, and that can be the most difficult part of screen writing.  Very well done.  

From the story's standpoint, I can say its a very safe piece of work.  The characters and dialogue are simple and effective, the main plot is straight forward, and the twist is fun and expected.  

You're writing style is very good as well.  The descriptions were on the mark - I swear I could hear the music and see the lights on the dance floor, not to mention the mingers, which is a word I'll be using from this point forward.  

My advice; get a fresh sheet of paper, a fresh idea, and up the ante with your next script.  Add a bit of complexity, and really drill into the sub-text underneath your dialogue.  Take some risk.  You have the chops for it.      

Overall, for a first script, you did a great job.  I enjoyed it.  High five.  

Hey Chris,

Thanks for taking a look and giving feedback. I agree that it’s a safe piece of work but that’s where I am as a writer at the moment, crawl before you walk right. I’m pleased the formatting worked for you because this was something major for me, I have only been learning a short time but it’s amazing how much good tips you pick up from this site. A lot of good writers here to learn from.

Thank you again for the feedback and high five back you mate.

Hey Steve,

Wow,..you did a great job if this is your first! This read easy and fast...hardly any errors...left off a few periods but just typos. The story was good IMO. I didn't really see the ending coming. It worked for me. This would be easy and very low budget to film also. I look forward to reading more from you!

Great work!

D

Steve,

Just had a read of this. Nice job. I liked the fact that you did not reveal the chat up line: you gotta make the audience work for it.

The story with the wife being there and not being spotted first has some logical issues. Maybe she needs her back turned to Flash and Michael all the time (since she is grinding) until right at the end. It would also be a nice touch if they can actually see (but not hear) Steve whispering the line to her, then her reply, and Steve's amazed reaction.

Other than that, it was well structured and funny.