SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 11:33am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  ›  True Myth - ULOWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    True Myth - ULOWC  (currently 6871 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 11:54am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
True Myth by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Urban Legend - When a secret military team gains the power of psychic foresight, their greatest challenge is what happens next. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 21st, 2012, 2:07pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
For a surprise OWC, I suppose it's fine.
'Suppose'...well, look. I did get a little worn down with the punnage. Character slugs don't match character narrative except for rank. Would have preferred last names.
Maybe it's just me. Too much red table wine from NYE, the OWC being under the radar...I need a bowl of hot soup and the soup needs salt...

I just couldn't get a handle on this bit. Sorry.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 1 - 33
Ryan1
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
This is a clever little tale you have here.  I like how consistently wacky you kept the tone throughout the piece.  Those character names...Private Moments?  Yeesh.  I can see you're a guy who likes his puns.

Innovative idea for an urban legends challenge.  No real urban legend at the core of this, but a funny concept about a black ops department of the military squashing any legends that happen to come up in conversation.  

I liked the contrast of the frizzy haired old lady(My Ayes...I saw that pun coming up Main Street and it was a groaner) with the strict, hard-nosed military man.

The ending was suitably absurd for a story like this.  I guess I was hoping for a bit more of a laugh that just a power cut, because you had done such a good job of building up to the moment.  But all in all, this was a creative, original take on your subject.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 33
grademan
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Bill,

I think I've seen your name over at MP?

One pun after another.  8 pages was about the right length for this, It was reminiscent of Airplane one of my all time fav comedies. Nice twist on the theme. Did you consider an evil twin organization? Might've  been fun.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 33
CoopBazinga
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 3:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1175
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Bill,

I am a massive fan of spoof films and puns,  you have delivered something that maybe isn't to everybody's taste but you won me over and I was laughing throughout. Maybe there should have been a Private Parts as well.

A cracker to mention for me personally and you must be English right? A Line like "That old chestnut" Love it! It's like you stole it from my vocabulary.

One disappointment for me was the ending, you built it up so well that it kinda felt flat but I'm not complaining because i really enjoyed this.

Good work old chum

Steve.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 33
Pale Yellow
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 8:09am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Bill,

I really liked this story. I didnt' get tired of the puns. I got a chuckle the whole way through. The dialogue seems to fit the characters....very cute short.

Good work!

Dena
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 33
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 11:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
Hey Bill,

Good on you for taking a stab at the OWC.
Puns in the war room, how Kubrickian of you!

This was a pretty good read, and I'm not a fan of puns.
Your set up far exceeded your punchline.

Spell check this bad boy for the second draft and give us a more fitting ending.
Nice effort.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 33
Felipe
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles, CA
Posts
437
Posts Per Day
0.10
You have some really cool ideas here and from the beginning, you had my attention. When the psychic woman came into play I started picturing Professor Trelawny from Harry Potter. It's not really your fault though. =)
They are both just crazy.
The puns were a bit much for me but it seemed to fit the whole style of the story. Your writing kept me entertained throughout even though I felt the end was a bit abrupt.

It was almost Dr. Strangelove meets Burn After Reading. Solid work!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 33
mcornetto
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 3:18am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Bill,

Amusing little tale.  Reminded me quite a bit of Airplane and I got a few chuckles out of it.  

There was no rule about using only one legend, so you're fine there and it seemed like you voice came through loud and clear.  

The one crit I would make is that though the dialogue was funny the actions were pretty tame.  Up the funny content in the actions so we can see some of these gags.  


Good work.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 33
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 10:01am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Thanks everyone for the reads.

Sorry I don't have the ability to do individual quotes at he moment, so will comment in general.

First off, this was VERY rushed, more of a weekend challenge. However, I thought it was better to take part rather than hide away - I knew would have to take a few on the chin.

The key items to me are;

The end - I didn't have time to finish. I have an ending now where the power cut is part of the section being closed down, which then becomes a myth itself.

Consistent humour - I need to make sure all characters are consistent, maybe one or two teaks needed for this.

Puns - yeah probably a couple too many, a Pun too Far so to speak, ok I'll stop it...

Visual - Michael pointed out the need to keep the visuals going. I agree. Hopefully, with the screens, different characters and what they are doing this can be acheieved but needs clarifying.

Kubrick - I'm glad this was spotted as I was thinking about Dr Strangelove whilst writing this, along with Airplane and Caddyshack. A subtle blend!

Myth wise there are three refered to in this plus the whole preventing myth's  idea.

Glad most enjoyed this and saw it for what it was, a slapstick/satirical effort based around the state trying to manipulate society and how government "could" do this.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 33
Grandma Bear
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 11:06am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
This was kind of like Airplane. A fun wacky piece with a lot of playing with words. I thought it was pretty creative and would probably be more fun to watch than read since the timing would be crucial to the jokes.

Don't have anything to offer up as suggestions to improve. Maybe change the ending a little as that was the only part that felt flat to me.

Good work!!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 33
Sham
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
USA
Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.05
This was really funny, Bill. I smiled the whole way through.

I really cracked up at this little exchange:

          COLONEL SAYER
     Moments, I need fresh eyes.

          MYRA AYES
     My sister?

Great job. This definitely stands out from the rest.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 33
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 4:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57

Quoted from Sham
This was really funny, Bill. I smiled the whole way through.

I really cracked up at this little exchange:

          COLONEL SAYER
     Moments, I need fresh eyes.

          MYRA AYES
     My sister?

Great job. This definitely stands out from the rest.


Thanks Sham.

Despite the time restrictions it was fun to write as well.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 33
AdamJohns
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
I immediately thought of a Mel Brooks movie.  Even with a reference to "Lone Star" on page 4, ala Space Balls. I found myself laughing as well.  Great use of puns.

Couple of minor things:
Pg. 1, would read better as "sown-on name badge," and overweight is one word.

Nice work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 33
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 7th, 2012, 6:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Jay Z,

thanks for the read and feedback.

This was a rushed job and needs a bit of work. The lone star actually was taken from an Urban myth where it was believed the Lone Star Brewery had been poisoned (I changed this to vineyard) and as this was an Urban Myth/Legend competition seemed fair game to include.

I now have to consider whether to revise or move on to others. Probably a good discipline to revise.

all the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 33
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006