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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Foutain of Youth Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Foutain of Youth  (currently 2124 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2012, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Fountain of Youth by David Von Kotzebue - Action, Adventure -  A shy teenaged girl's gift of healing makes people young again, but makes her the goose that laid the golden egg to unscrupulous TV evangelists. 94 pages - pdf, format


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Peterthemodest
Posted: February 6th, 2012, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, the best opening ten pages I've come across so far on this site. Great short snappy dialogue, a very interesting premise, scenes just as long as they need to be, and short paragraphs for stage directions. Might rread on.
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Peterthemodest
Posted: February 6th, 2012, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Read the whole script. Very good.
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ChrisB
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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GREAT STORY!!!!!!!!!!!  The best script I've read on here in ages!!!!!!!!!   Everything is so clear and straightforward.  You introduced the characters and setting perfectly.  The conflict is clearly set out.  Wow!  That's all I have to say after readin the first 20 pages.

This is definately on my "read through to the end list".
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steven8
Posted: March 15th, 2012, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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I've read the first 30 pages, and so far it reads fairly well.  The story concept is not too striking.  I'm hoping you go into more detail about the visit that brought the special powers, and I would like more twists.  If you go by the 30-30-30 concept, I can expect some unusual real soon?

I am not very fond of using bold caps to accentuate things, and it is worse when some of those things are unfilmable.

example: This is her first exposure to being touched by the sick. She’s not sure she likes it.

This may be totally true, but I'm not sure how it works in a script.  It tells us about how Julia feels, but it doesn't 'show' us how she feels.  Describe her 'actions' so they the actress can react in a way that shows us how she feels.  Still, I don't like the bold caps.  Startles me in the middle of reading.

Also ,be careful of your continuity.  Theo picks up the chick, then Julia is cupping it in her hands.

I will read more, and give you further thoughts.


...in no particular order
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 16th, 2012, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Your logline caught my attention. You know, I could be wrong, but I get the feeling you wrote this on a lark and had fun doing it. Can't help but think of Mike Shelton on this one.

If I were being serious in my critique, (and I'm not because this script screams over the top comedy so how can I?) but if I were: HERE'S PAGE 8/9

FATHER KILDARE
Today‟s gospel reading is found
in the Gospel of St. John, chapter 14, verses 12-14:
“I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.     You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.”

Jesus made these promises to his disciples, and we know from the Book of Acts that he kept his promises to them.
But why do we not see these same miracles in such abundance today?     That will be the subject of my remarks to you this morning.
Consider the strange case of Gina Incandelia. This 6- year old‟s autism impedes her speech terribly. However, she‟s able to sing, and sing words, in perfect pitch and perfect key. Her singing is so perfect, in fact, that she‟s sung the
national anthem at numerous sporting events.

Father Kildare‟s voice fades in the middle of the last paragraph.

After all that, it's no wonder!  

I guess, though, if I am serious for a moment, I would say that this doesn't start out as comedy with the bird and whatnot, so do you want to sneak some in maybe?

Your Katheryn Coleman is no doubt a take on Kathryn Kuhlman?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathryn_Kuhlman

I notice in the document problems with spacing. Extra spaces between words, words
running together.

I think what really saves this is the clear move to comedy at the end. If you brought that more into the light at the beginning, I think it would be better.  

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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